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Struggling with niece with autism

AliW

Dear all

I'm new here and was after a bit of advice. My niece (who is 20) has been living with us for the last 6 months and we are finding it difficult. Her mum died 2 years ago now and there is no Dad around. Her step-dad couldn't manage financially any more so we took her in to give her an opportunity of a new life with us. She was diagnosed with autism when she was 6 but she thinks she has grown out of it because it was (according to her) only because she had issues with eye contact. Spending more and more time with her it is abundantly clear that the issues she has are much more far reaching. 

Since moving in with us she has managed to find herself (with support) a job and has passed her driving test. She is perfectly capable of going shopping and cooking for herself, although I usually do the cooking as she has no understanding whatsover about healthy eating (nothing to do with her autism - more her upbringing). We have two other children who are younger and clearly this has presented the same problems as introducing another member of the family would in any other situation. 

However, we are struggling with a few things and I was wondering if anyone had any good advice. The first thing we need help with is the fact that she looms alot. Just stands there not saying anything. Why is this? I never know what to do when she is doing this - not sure if she wants to chat about something. She has always done it but she is now doing it to our daughter when she is out at the local sports club - this is really causing problems as our daughter finds it really hard to cope with and very difficult. Our niece doesn't pick up on her unease and just stands there. Is there anything that we can do to help her not do this to people? 

The second thing is that her social interactions with other adults are very very difficult. Socially, she really struggles. She wants to make friends but can't and when she does get friends she rarely keeps them. In what ways can we help to support her in her social skills. How do we encourage her to engage in social activities? She is more than happy when she is working or helping with children but unless she starts to find some friends she will always be entirely dependent on us - which is a daunting thought to say the least. 

The last thing is about supporting her in her bereavement. She will not discuss her feelings (her mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I don't think breaking the news to her was handled very well at all). From talking to her, I am convinced that she cannot identify how she is feeling about her mum passing away but she does show signs of strain - overeating, eating in secret and needing far more sleep than is necessary. However, we can never get anywhere at all with her on this issue. She always says she is fine and I think she believes that and is very confused when I say that I don't think she is fine but we never get any further. 

I'm really sorry if this sounds uninformed or selfish. We have taken on far more than we realised and now that the honeymoon period is over, we are finding her living with us more than a bit stressful and it really is impacting on our children as well. Seeing the way she is, there is no way that she will cope with living independently any time soon and I think that the realisation that we will be responsible for her for the rest of our lives is sinking in. 


Thanks

Parents

  • Firstly, well done for taking your niece in, and some good suggestions from others here.

    Re your concerns, I think most people would be incredibly stressed by the events that she has had to deal with - losing a parent, then being taken out of her familiar surroundings into a house that probably doesn't feel like home, starting a new job, and being expected to go out and make new friends on top of that. What she has gone through would tax the most sociable NT, and (although it may not feel like it to you!) it sounds like she is coping pretty well. In that situation I would probably go to pieces, or hide in my room to avoid having to talk to people.

    She may be picking up on other people's attitudes towards her, feeling unwanted and terrified that you are going throw her out. Her 'looming' sounds understandable, if she has nothing else to do around the house, and is shy. 6 months is very early days, and IMO the best thing you can do is reassure her that this is her home, that it is OK to just "be" and she doesn't have to make conversation constantly. You will probably find that once the pressure is off, she opens up more.

    Instead of pushing her to talk about her feelings, maybe you could find some projects for her to get stuck into, so she feels useful. Not everyone deals with bereavement in the same way - I found DIY and gardening more therapeutic than talking, and have always preferred activities that involve making and doing rather than just socialising.

    Re feeling responsible for her, it sounds like she will be perfectly capable of living independently at some point, given she enjoys working and has been helping with the other children. She may thrive on being given additional responsibilities, and if you can work with her strengths rather than expecting her to be like your other kids, she could turn out to be a caring thoughtful big sister to them whose different outlook on life is a positive influence.

Reply

  • Firstly, well done for taking your niece in, and some good suggestions from others here.

    Re your concerns, I think most people would be incredibly stressed by the events that she has had to deal with - losing a parent, then being taken out of her familiar surroundings into a house that probably doesn't feel like home, starting a new job, and being expected to go out and make new friends on top of that. What she has gone through would tax the most sociable NT, and (although it may not feel like it to you!) it sounds like she is coping pretty well. In that situation I would probably go to pieces, or hide in my room to avoid having to talk to people.

    She may be picking up on other people's attitudes towards her, feeling unwanted and terrified that you are going throw her out. Her 'looming' sounds understandable, if she has nothing else to do around the house, and is shy. 6 months is very early days, and IMO the best thing you can do is reassure her that this is her home, that it is OK to just "be" and she doesn't have to make conversation constantly. You will probably find that once the pressure is off, she opens up more.

    Instead of pushing her to talk about her feelings, maybe you could find some projects for her to get stuck into, so she feels useful. Not everyone deals with bereavement in the same way - I found DIY and gardening more therapeutic than talking, and have always preferred activities that involve making and doing rather than just socialising.

    Re feeling responsible for her, it sounds like she will be perfectly capable of living independently at some point, given she enjoys working and has been helping with the other children. She may thrive on being given additional responsibilities, and if you can work with her strengths rather than expecting her to be like your other kids, she could turn out to be a caring thoughtful big sister to them whose different outlook on life is a positive influence.

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