Dear all
I'm new here and was after a bit of advice. My niece (who is 20) has been living with us for the last 6 months and we are finding it difficult. Her mum died 2 years ago now and there is no Dad around. Her step-dad couldn't manage financially any more so we took her in to give her an opportunity of a new life with us. She was diagnosed with autism when she was 6 but she thinks she has grown out of it because it was (according to her) only because she had issues with eye contact. Spending more and more time with her it is abundantly clear that the issues she has are much more far reaching.
Since moving in with us she has managed to find herself (with support) a job and has passed her driving test. She is perfectly capable of going shopping and cooking for herself, although I usually do the cooking as she has no understanding whatsover about healthy eating (nothing to do with her autism - more her upbringing). We have two other children who are younger and clearly this has presented the same problems as introducing another member of the family would in any other situation.
However, we are struggling with a few things and I was wondering if anyone had any good advice. The first thing we need help with is the fact that she looms alot. Just stands there not saying anything. Why is this? I never know what to do when she is doing this - not sure if she wants to chat about something. She has always done it but she is now doing it to our daughter when she is out at the local sports club - this is really causing problems as our daughter finds it really hard to cope with and very difficult. Our niece doesn't pick up on her unease and just stands there. Is there anything that we can do to help her not do this to people?
The second thing is that her social interactions with other adults are very very difficult. Socially, she really struggles. She wants to make friends but can't and when she does get friends she rarely keeps them. In what ways can we help to support her in her social skills. How do we encourage her to engage in social activities? She is more than happy when she is working or helping with children but unless she starts to find some friends she will always be entirely dependent on us - which is a daunting thought to say the least.
The last thing is about supporting her in her bereavement. She will not discuss her feelings (her mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly and I don't think breaking the news to her was handled very well at all). From talking to her, I am convinced that she cannot identify how she is feeling about her mum passing away but she does show signs of strain - overeating, eating in secret and needing far more sleep than is necessary. However, we can never get anywhere at all with her on this issue. She always says she is fine and I think she believes that and is very confused when I say that I don't think she is fine but we never get any further.
I'm really sorry if this sounds uninformed or selfish. We have taken on far more than we realised and now that the honeymoon period is over, we are finding her living with us more than a bit stressful and it really is impacting on our children as well. Seeing the way she is, there is no way that she will cope with living independently any time soon and I think that the realisation that we will be responsible for her for the rest of our lives is sinking in.
Thanks
and other am stranded. I hate the coffee morning situation and even when I am being 100% included I can go home feeling very isolated. I only been diagnosed last year so now can work it out for myself but it doesn't make it any easier not really. I think what helps is people around us being understanding. I don't think you can 'educate' your niece not to loom as such. I think it be easier if you eduated your daughter to cope with it better. Your niece may not be wanting anything. Just simply don't know what to do and 'looms' She looms to your daughter because of she is who she is with as such? I will never start a conversation. If I have to give a message to someone I am okay if I don't think about it, but if I think about it, I write it down or find other ways to get that message. I depend on others as such for conversationalness. Early on this month I was in Church and the priest needed to go and pick his daughter up. He told me I didn't have defend the church just run up to the police station, nearby. But didn't tell me someone might come in wanting to book a wedding of which by chance am familiar enough with. But if he warned me I would have probably gone. As it was two people came in and because they were quite chatty and I could tell them things about weddings and he came back before they actually left. But if he had hinted that could happen I be more affraid about worrying about it. Looming may be simply that she doesn't know what else to do and need that little help of being involved. You would have to find a way of talking to her and it can be possible as they other priest has proved to me totally unawares. He can get me to share when something blown up in my world. He been the only one to do so. But we can talk about what it is, with the right approach and I couldn't tell you that either. I am in my 40's. It taken a long time for someone to get me to actually say the things am thinking.