Hello
I am the mother of an 18 year old who was diagnosed with ADHD and High Functioning Autism / Aspergers at the age of 15. I was aware of problems before this age (from around the age of 2 or 3, in fact) but stupidly thought I was doing the right thing by coping without help or saddling my daughter with a label.
After her ADHD diagnosis, my daughter was prescribed Concerta and then Equasyn, however it was almost impossible to get her to take these with any regularity. She said that she did not like the feeling of not being herself - although I doubt she took these long enough for them ever to be truly effective.
My daughter continued through her last year at school without meds and any real support from the school, was frequently disciplined for minor rule breaking, ie make-up, uniform rules) and truancy. She was not a naughty child, but very defiant. She is lethargic and unmotivated. She will tell lies, knowing full well that she will be found out.
She is obsessed with her looks. In the last year her low self-esteem has become more apparent and she now takes anti-depressants. She believes that she is ugly and will spend practically every penny she has on changing her hair - the colour red, blue, blonde, black.. She's been every colour - and style. Although she is extremely fussy about how she looks, her personal hygiene is somewhat lacking and she has to be nagged to shower and brush her teeth. She spends her evenings on the computer if she is at home, posting photos of herself on social media sites. She literally has thousands of selfies on her computer. It might also be relevant to mention that when she was 15/16 she was groomed by a man on the internet. The case is ongoing as the man lives abroad. I'm not sure how much I can say about this. However she was and still is extremely naive and vulnerable.
On leaving school she enrolled in college to study hair and beauty (perfect, I thought!) but left within weeks after discovering that she would need to remove her own make-up so that the students could practice on one another.
She enrolled in another college quite a distance from home and commutes by train. This last 18 months have been especially difficult. She started truanting again and failed to complete coursework. When she did attend classes, she was usually late due to the amount of time she spends getting ready. She was unsuccessful in getting on to her second level after her first year, however after appealing and my daughter promising to attend, she was enrolled for a second year. Her tutor has said her work is very good when she has applied any effort. This last year things have really become extremely difficult.
In the summer my daughter turned 18. Instead of attending her college classes, she has been travelling without paying her fare to meet with college friends and spends her train fare on alcohol. This is a regular occurrence, happening around 3 times a week. She will turn off her phone, leaving us to worry, and will then come home drunk at whatever time she chooses. She will lie about her whereabouts. She is drinking on a daily basis and I often find bottles of water or cold drinks which she has used to disguise vodka. She is due to attend a disciplinary next week after being found drinking alcohol during college time on two occasions within a month. I'm fully expecting her to be permanently excluded.
Her room is a complete mess. Not, as some say, a typical teenager; without weekly intervention her room would be like a hoarder's kitchen. I have mobility issues and there have been many occasions where I have been unable to get into her room at all. She will pull every item of clothing out of her drawers/wardrobe and leave them there. She will take food into her room and let the leftovers fall among the clothes on the floor. She will let dirty dishes and cups pile up, leave broken glass on the 'floor', and stuff empty vodka bottles down the side of the bed or anywhere she can. It's an utter tip. We do try to keep on top of this however it is a real job to do so.
In the summer my daughter had a break up with her then boyfriend. My daughter got extremely drunk and desperately upset. She attempted to throw herself into oncoming traffic, but fortunately the driver swerved and avoided hitting her. I took her to A&E the following day after finding that she had also been self-harming. She was referred via her GP to the Mental Health team and attended a couple of CBT sessions but refused to continue with these.
I have spoken to her GP, who I feel does not fully grasp how desperate the situation is. She has said that there is nothing she can do now that my daughter is an adult without her referring herself. My daughter did, after some persuasion, agree to be referred back to Mental Health Services for help with her Asperger's/ADHD and is currently on a 4 month waiting list. I'm told that we will just have to wait.
In desperation I contacted Social Services. Again, there is no immediate help and we are on a two month waiting list for an Assessment of Needs.
I/she had not previously applied for DLA/PIP but have completed the forms today as it would appear that people in receipt on these benefits are considered more seriously than those that aren't, and I'd been put off after hearing the struggles people had had with the new system and I really didn't have the strength for another battle. I will also be under enormous financial pressure if she losses her college place and do not earn enough to support us both. The idea that she may find employment is ridiculous as I cannot even imagine that she would attend an interview, much less turn up on time for work.
I have taken her passport from her so that she cannot buy alcohol. She looks much younger than her 18 years. However she will still obtain alcohol through friends and will drink this in the park, often at night and sometimes alone. Of course this really concerns me as she is tiny in build and extremely vulnerable. I have called the police a few times but they are unconcerned as this is not a one-off 'missing person' situation. I am unable to go looking for her as I cannot drive, have difficulty walking, and the park she frequents is more than 10 miles away.
My partner and I have repeatedly tried to reason with my daughter but she seems to have no concept of the consequences of her actions, despite constant reminders - She will agree not to do something one day and do it the next. We have tried every different approach. Punishment/rewards have no effect whatsoever. Her behaviour is putting us in danger of me losing my job as I am having to dedicate so much time to her care, chasing her whereabouts and picking up the pieces when things go wrong. Whilst my partner is 100% supportive, it is putting a strain on our relationship. It seems my entire life revolves around my daughter and I am utterly exhausted. Her father is really not interested.
Can anyone offer any advice? I'm so desperate for help.
