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So I finally face my demons, HELP!

Deano bambino

Hi there,

I am a father of an 8 year old autistic child whom my wife deals with fantastically but well if I'm honest I increasingly struggle to manage with this child's behaviour and what seem continual meltdowns and his simply unreasonable understanding and communication when going through these episodes, we have two thee children who cope really well considering the level of attention that our autistic son demands from both of us.

I work extremely long and stressful hours and occupy a very high level managerial role within the construction industry, I fear that what is going on at home is affecting my work in numerous ways, stressing about my son, lack of sleep after late night meltdowns and early starts as well as the strains it is applying to my marriage.

I am not writting this in the hope that pity or sorrow are shown but in an effort to reach other fathers who find themselves in this position or can offer some guidance, I am increasingly self aware that I need to make the effort to understand my son and his situation and would like some guidance on how it may be possible to get!

hope the above is clear and I have not bored you all!

  • Thank you very much this is super helpful. for some reason this posted twice, the other feed didn't fill me with any confidence that I would get any help but your post and link have rekindled my hopes, thanks once more!

  • Hi Deano bambino,

      Firstly, Welcome. Just to be clear I'm a mum; not a dad, of two on the spectrum, but I hear you.

    Dealing with any child on the spectrum puts a huge strain on the family and often totals any chance of down time in the family environment. If I may be so bold, can I make a few suggestions.

    When faced with such demands it's easy to become emersed in all things Autistic and frankly thats necessary to understand your son, howvever so is down time for you and your wife. If you haven't already, try and factor in some away time at regular intervals to give both you and your wife a break.

    A few hours every week will help save your sanity in the long run and remind you both that you are more than just a carer and a provider. We also have to timetable in separate time from each other in order to factor in a solitary pursuit, away from care. It's taken us many years to get this balance right, but it's been essential in reducing our own stress levels. At first your away time will probably be filled with the woes of your day and that of your childrens, but after a fashion you will probably give yourself the down time you need with each other. My husband worked extremely long hours too and eventually had a nervous breakdown. If you push yourself too hard you may become ill.

    Whilst it's important that your other children understand about your sons needs it's also important they get individual time also. We try and do 1:1 with either of us or sometimes a group activity away from the family home. This doesn't have to be expensive or all consuming, it can be as simple as walking the dog on the beach or visiting the local park. Making time for all the family is an art in itself, but with some care, the quality time will improve. We've found outdoor pursuits like walking the most effective as the excersize seems to calm us all, but we are often limited by my sons pain issues when walking even short distances, so you need to factor in what suits you. Swimming is a great stress buster.

    Re care. I've had to learn to work from home; and only on a part time basis, to be their for my children 100%. Myself and my husband split responsibilities between the boys in order to easy the load of each day, but also split alone time to manage both days and nights. My husband normally takes the bulk of morning support and I the nights. I realize that with your particular circumstance that this may not be possible or even feasible, however the point I'm trying to make is that their are always options, But you need to look for the ones that suit your own lifestyle.

    Re understanding your son their is a wealth of information out there. A good start would be a video by Sarah Hendrickx about Anxiety.

    www.youtube.com/watch

    This may give you insight into the life your son experiences and some pointers and strategies to help when things get to Meltdown, but also to prevent things getting to meltdown in the first place.

    If their are specifics you wish to know about then ask here. Most parents are very willing to help others in your situation, regardless of gender and offer some great tips for coping.

    I hope this is of some help,

    Coogybear. XX