Undiagnosed 6-yr-old, mother at end of tether!

Hi again, Luca's mum,

Luca's mum said:

I try and explain things to Luca as much as I can, but often my temper gets the better of me (due to time constraints), and then we get locked in a battle and I end up feeling really guilty.

The one thing that I had to face is that I can't afford having a meltdown myself at the time when my daughter needs me to be strong enough to help her. And by avoiding/preventing this I can also reduce the guilt, which is the strongest thing that drags me down. So you may also want to improve this bit, so that it was easier for you to be with Luca when he needs it.

A good strategy is, when you are in a situation that makes you anxious, to think of the worst thing that may happen now. Like, if you are in a hurry but just can't get your son do something, what is the worst thing that will happen if you are late? Or, if he screams in a supermarket, what is the worst thing that can happen? In the majority of cases, it won't be anything really bad - just people getting mad/upset, you missing something, etc.

And you can also think what you yourself would feel/think/do if you saw someone else in your situation (like what you'd feel or do if someone's child was screaming in a supermarket). Again, you may be surprised to find out that you'd be quite fine with the majority of situations about someone else.

All this may help you to take things easier and stay calmer. Besides, you can try to think on your feet and, say, call people and let them know you are late and ask them if other options are available, or come up with an alternative arrangement to get somewhere on time, etc.

Basically it's easier if you believe there is ALWAYS a way out and these little tricks can help you beleive it.

I know, I may have not faced any serious misbehaviour from my daughter, so this advice may be difficult to follow if, say, your son goes on thrashing supermarket shelves or hitting people in the face for no reason. But, anyway, I'm sure that by looking at it from the side you may still be able to put it into perspective.

I just wish he would be like other children and just do as he's told, and often I don't have time to go through a lengthy explanation of why he should do something, but a tantrum ends up taking even longer!

The other thing I had to face with my daughter is that she will NEVER be different. You can't cure an autistic child, it's just the way he is and you need to accept him the way he is and love him the way he is, without wanting him to be someone he's not. It's not easy, and it is too easy to feel guilty about doing it wrong, which is natural. But you can just remind yourself about it sometimes and treat him as who he is rather than as who you want him to be but who he's not...

Hating your child and loving them at the same time is fine, it's just human nature, although we often get feeling guilty about it because it's not something acceptable in our society. All emotions, however strong, pass and things get easier when put into perspective. So, reflecting helps as well.

Another thing.

I failed to find that book I mentioned. But I think I actually may have seen it somewhere on the internet in articles about Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA).

I am personally not familiar with this discipline, so can not endorse or disapprove it. But you may want to learn more and decide for yourself. Or ask others who have used it.

They analyse child's behaviour, what circumstances/events led to it and what results followed, etc, to see the function behind each behaviour (what each behaviour was for). Examples of functions can be seeking attension or gaining something material, escaping something, getting sensory input, etc

Then they devise a strategy for each type on how to reduce/prevent behaviour and how to deal with it once it's happened. So, they don't deal with just the actual behaviour, they deal with the purpose (though not quite the reason) behind it. Say, whatever a child did to get attention - hit someone, screamed, etc, they use a strategy they devised for attention seeking behaviour. And whatever a child did to escape a situation or withdraw from it - hit someone, screamed, etc, they use a strategy they devised for escaping behaviour, etc

And how they do it is a range of behaviour modification technics.

There are lots of books about it (you can try searching  by keywords on Google books to get a preview of each book where you can read some pages and make up your mind before you buy!) but I haven't read any, so can't recommend them, sorry!

Hope that helps...

And sorry again, if anything I say sounds patronising or offensive in any way.

Do let us know how you are getting on!

Hi again, Luca's mum,

Luca's mum said:

I try and explain things to Luca as much as I can, but often my temper gets the better of me (due to time constraints), and then we get locked in a battle and I end up feeling really guilty.

The one thing that I had to face is that I can't afford having a meltdown myself at the time when my daughter needs me to be strong enough to help her. And by avoiding/preventing this I can also reduce the guilt, which is the strongest thing that drags me down. So you may also want to improve this bit, so that it was easier for you to be with Luca when he needs it.

A good strategy is, when you are in a situation that makes you anxious, to think of the worst thing that may happen now. Like, if you are in a hurry but just can't get your son do something, what is the worst thing that will happen if you are late? Or, if he screams in a supermarket, what is the worst thing that can happen? In the majority of cases, it won't be anything really bad - just people getting mad/upset, you missing something, etc.

And you can also think what you yourself would feel/think/do if you saw someone else in your situation (like what you'd feel or do if someone's child was screaming in a supermarket). Again, you may be surprised to find out that you'd be quite fine with the majority of situations about someone else.

All this may help you to take things easier and stay calmer. Besides, you can try to think on your feet and, say, call people and let them know you are late and ask them if other options are available, or come up with an alternative arrangement to get somewhere on time, etc.

Basically it's easier if you believe there is ALWAYS a way out and these little tricks can help you beleive it.

I know, I may have not faced any serious misbehaviour from my daughter, so this advice may be difficult to follow if, say, your son goes on thrashing supermarket shelves or hitting people in the face for no reason. But, anyway, I'm sure that by looking at it from the side you may still be able to put it into perspective.

I just wish he would be like other children and just do as he's told, and often I don't have time to go through a lengthy explanation of why he should do something, but a tantrum ends up taking even longer!

The other thing I had to face with my daughter is that she will NEVER be different. You can't cure an autistic child, it's just the way he is and you need to accept him the way he is and love him the way he is, without wanting him to be someone he's not. It's not easy, and it is too easy to feel guilty about doing it wrong, which is natural. But you can just remind yourself about it sometimes and treat him as who he is rather than as who you want him to be but who he's not...

Hating your child and loving them at the same time is fine, it's just human nature, although we often get feeling guilty about it because it's not something acceptable in our society. All emotions, however strong, pass and things get easier when put into perspective. So, reflecting helps as well.

Another thing.

I failed to find that book I mentioned. But I think I actually may have seen it somewhere on the internet in articles about Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA).

I am personally not familiar with this discipline, so can not endorse or disapprove it. But you may want to learn more and decide for yourself. Or ask others who have used it.

They analyse child's behaviour, what circumstances/events led to it and what results followed, etc, to see the function behind each behaviour (what each behaviour was for). Examples of functions can be seeking attension or gaining something material, escaping something, getting sensory input, etc

Then they devise a strategy for each type on how to reduce/prevent behaviour and how to deal with it once it's happened. So, they don't deal with just the actual behaviour, they deal with the purpose (though not quite the reason) behind it. Say, whatever a child did to get attention - hit someone, screamed, etc, they use a strategy they devised for attention seeking behaviour. And whatever a child did to escape a situation or withdraw from it - hit someone, screamed, etc, they use a strategy they devised for escaping behaviour, etc

And how they do it is a range of behaviour modification technics.

There are lots of books about it (you can try searching  by keywords on Google books to get a preview of each book where you can read some pages and make up your mind before you buy!) but I haven't read any, so can't recommend them, sorry!

Hope that helps...

And sorry again, if anything I say sounds patronising or offensive in any way.

Do let us know how you are getting on!