Undiagnosed 6-yr-old, mother at end of tether!

Hi,

So sorry to hear about your situation!

One bit in your post

Luca's mum said:

I am trying to set clear boundaries, but he doesn't seem to learn - the behaviour doesn't change. Instead, he resents me for punishing him.

makes me think that he's trying to tell you something with his behaviour and you keep reacting to behaviour rather than to what stands behind it and thus get him wrong, so nothing changes.

A few things from the top of my head (and please excuse me if anything I suggest looks stupid, patronizing or even insulting, it's not my intention!):

- Does he understand why he needs to do what he's told to (like, it's not just that you are being mean to him, but that there are good reason for it)? You can try and explain it to him explicitly even if you think he should know himself, and see if it makes any difference. In some situations my daughter will get upset and refuse to do something until I explain her why it's needed, like why I want her to switch off a noisy toy at midnight  - not because I don't want her to have fun playing with it, but because I worry that the neighbours might wake up and get very angry with us, that they must be tired and want to have a rest, so will be very upset if we don't let them to, that I would love it if we could be as noisy as we want to, but we can't now, etc.

- Does he know how his behaviour affects other people involved, which emotions it causes in everyone including himself and you? Again, even if you think he does, try explaining it to him in details, with examples, etc, and see if that makes any difference. With my daughter it also help if I first explain it all to her and then ask her what she would feel if someone did to her what she's doing to others.

- Try to understand his feelings and reflect them back to him, like say that you see he's very frustrated because he wanted to do this and that and you didn't let him to, and that you see he's now also upset probably because of thinking you hate him and are ashamed of him, etc. Just state what you see/think he's feeling. It may help him to agree/correct what you say and go further and tell you what he needs and why (although he may not be consciously aware why he does it himself, so don't expect him to always know his own motives!).

- Can you see beyond the behaviour? What it his behaviour aimed at? What he needs? There was a good book, where it was all well explained, but I don't remember which one. I'll have another look and let you know, if you want to.

I get really upset when we go out and he refuses to do as he's told - it makes me feel like an idiot for not being able to control a 6-yr-old! I feel like no-one wants us around and I can't take him anywhere without being really worried about his behaviour. 

That's it, try explaining him how you feel and why (and be honest!), that you get angry and upset not because he's bad and worthless, but because you are worried that the others will not want you around and it's important for you to be accepted by them, etc. Not more important that him, but important nevertheless. Or, if it makes you feel more like being insulted and rejected by him, explain it too. Or if it's about being afraid of others shaming you for not being able to control a 6 year old, tell it too!

It may sound daft, but for many kids on the spectrum such things don't come naturally and they keep misinterpreting behaviour, intentions and words of other people.

So, basically, try to understand him and be supportive.

I think he's trying to get your help, rather than trying to intentionally piss you off by being defiant. Although some kids on the spectrum do like it to make people angry (well, it looks fun and it works all the time, so is predictable and safe!) but mostly because they can't empathise or don't understand that being angry is no fun for the person who's angry.

There was a great advice in one of the books, and I keep reminding it to myself when I get locked in a battle of the wills or get overwhelmed with my own issues:

above all, just love him, try to think what it would be like just to love him, rather than parent him, and if the picture that comes to you is different from reality, think why.

Sorry, none of the above are quick and ready-to-use solutions.

Hope someone else would be able to give you those as well!

Hi,

So sorry to hear about your situation!

One bit in your post

Luca's mum said:

I am trying to set clear boundaries, but he doesn't seem to learn - the behaviour doesn't change. Instead, he resents me for punishing him.

makes me think that he's trying to tell you something with his behaviour and you keep reacting to behaviour rather than to what stands behind it and thus get him wrong, so nothing changes.

A few things from the top of my head (and please excuse me if anything I suggest looks stupid, patronizing or even insulting, it's not my intention!):

- Does he understand why he needs to do what he's told to (like, it's not just that you are being mean to him, but that there are good reason for it)? You can try and explain it to him explicitly even if you think he should know himself, and see if it makes any difference. In some situations my daughter will get upset and refuse to do something until I explain her why it's needed, like why I want her to switch off a noisy toy at midnight  - not because I don't want her to have fun playing with it, but because I worry that the neighbours might wake up and get very angry with us, that they must be tired and want to have a rest, so will be very upset if we don't let them to, that I would love it if we could be as noisy as we want to, but we can't now, etc.

- Does he know how his behaviour affects other people involved, which emotions it causes in everyone including himself and you? Again, even if you think he does, try explaining it to him in details, with examples, etc, and see if that makes any difference. With my daughter it also help if I first explain it all to her and then ask her what she would feel if someone did to her what she's doing to others.

- Try to understand his feelings and reflect them back to him, like say that you see he's very frustrated because he wanted to do this and that and you didn't let him to, and that you see he's now also upset probably because of thinking you hate him and are ashamed of him, etc. Just state what you see/think he's feeling. It may help him to agree/correct what you say and go further and tell you what he needs and why (although he may not be consciously aware why he does it himself, so don't expect him to always know his own motives!).

- Can you see beyond the behaviour? What it his behaviour aimed at? What he needs? There was a good book, where it was all well explained, but I don't remember which one. I'll have another look and let you know, if you want to.

I get really upset when we go out and he refuses to do as he's told - it makes me feel like an idiot for not being able to control a 6-yr-old! I feel like no-one wants us around and I can't take him anywhere without being really worried about his behaviour. 

That's it, try explaining him how you feel and why (and be honest!), that you get angry and upset not because he's bad and worthless, but because you are worried that the others will not want you around and it's important for you to be accepted by them, etc. Not more important that him, but important nevertheless. Or, if it makes you feel more like being insulted and rejected by him, explain it too. Or if it's about being afraid of others shaming you for not being able to control a 6 year old, tell it too!

It may sound daft, but for many kids on the spectrum such things don't come naturally and they keep misinterpreting behaviour, intentions and words of other people.

So, basically, try to understand him and be supportive.

I think he's trying to get your help, rather than trying to intentionally piss you off by being defiant. Although some kids on the spectrum do like it to make people angry (well, it looks fun and it works all the time, so is predictable and safe!) but mostly because they can't empathise or don't understand that being angry is no fun for the person who's angry.

There was a great advice in one of the books, and I keep reminding it to myself when I get locked in a battle of the wills or get overwhelmed with my own issues:

above all, just love him, try to think what it would be like just to love him, rather than parent him, and if the picture that comes to you is different from reality, think why.

Sorry, none of the above are quick and ready-to-use solutions.

Hope someone else would be able to give you those as well!