First time on forum. having a VERY bad day

Hi to anyone reading this, this is the first time ive used a forum so not sure how this all works, I NEVER ask for help , not entirely sure why, just feel ive failed if I have to ask for help I suppose, but today, if nothing else, I just need to verbalise (write!)about this horrible day. I have a son who is 12 and has 'symptoms consistent with Aspergers Syndrome" ( that's as official as they will be in my area!) today he has been excluded from school because he, in the words of the school, violently assaulted another boy, by shoving him so hard that he fell and ended up with a cut and bruised head. we have been worried about this happening for so long, he is a lovely boy, very intelligent academically but not emotionally,  and has always had a problem with his temper if something doesn't go right or someone says something mean, today this boy at school accused him of cheating when he was keeping score in a school cricket match, my son protested his innocence but the boy kept on, and encouraged other boys to join in the accusation, and this was too much for my son. the school he goes to is a mainstream state school that has a specialist Aspergers/autism unit and my son has a full statement with full time TA's, we had a big struggle to find somewhere for his secondary education because of the lack of provision and have ended up having to send him to a school in a neighbouring education authority . We did visit special schools but there were none to cater for higher functioning children. This exclusion today is exactly the reason we didn't want mainstream school for him, because we feel he needs to be somwhere that can help with his lack of emotional maturity which causes his outbursts when he can't cope with something. He has come so far, I used to be at his primary school almost daily apologising for him hitting or pushing someone but this has got less and less over the years and apart from a couple of incidents where he has become upset in class, this is the first incident since he started at secondary school last September. so worried now, this is now on his school record and I don't know what we'll do if it happens again and he gets expelled. He is very depressed about the whole thing and was crying on the way home saying how unfair it is that he was born like this and that just cut me up and I just feel ive failed him. Run out of steam now and getting a bit upset so going to stop there. Any advice gratefully received! 

Parents
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Dubz,

    Firstly, welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that your first venture onto the forum didn't go too well. Hopefully, things can only get better :-)

    Your description of your son's emotional immaturity may be better phrased as his inability to interpret and respond to other people's emotions and his inability to express his own emotions. This combination of an inability to send and receive emotional signals doesn't mean that he is emotionally immature as he clearly gets upset and feels emotions internally just like everyone else.

    His inabiility in this regards will set him apart from his peers and this will lead them to challenge or provoke him, he will not respond very robustly and the situation descends into bullying. The majority of people on the spectrum suffer bullying and I don't know that it helps to lay blame on the bullies. Everyone concerned needs to recognise that it is happening and positive steps need to be taken on all sides to stop it and move everyone to an adult-adult relationship. Children become bullies because they are not very mature and these problems become less acute (but still occasionally happen) in adulthood in my experience.

    As a late diagnosed Aspie, I suffered bullying at school and in the workplace so he has my utmost sympathy. He needs help from you and his school to grapple with the bullying issue and somehow the bullies need to be educated and turned into allies and hopefully your son can learn better strategies for dealing with this situation as it is a theme that will occur over and again in his life.

Reply
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Dubz,

    Firstly, welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that your first venture onto the forum didn't go too well. Hopefully, things can only get better :-)

    Your description of your son's emotional immaturity may be better phrased as his inability to interpret and respond to other people's emotions and his inability to express his own emotions. This combination of an inability to send and receive emotional signals doesn't mean that he is emotionally immature as he clearly gets upset and feels emotions internally just like everyone else.

    His inabiility in this regards will set him apart from his peers and this will lead them to challenge or provoke him, he will not respond very robustly and the situation descends into bullying. The majority of people on the spectrum suffer bullying and I don't know that it helps to lay blame on the bullies. Everyone concerned needs to recognise that it is happening and positive steps need to be taken on all sides to stop it and move everyone to an adult-adult relationship. Children become bullies because they are not very mature and these problems become less acute (but still occasionally happen) in adulthood in my experience.

    As a late diagnosed Aspie, I suffered bullying at school and in the workplace so he has my utmost sympathy. He needs help from you and his school to grapple with the bullying issue and somehow the bullies need to be educated and turned into allies and hopefully your son can learn better strategies for dealing with this situation as it is a theme that will occur over and again in his life.

Children
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