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First time on forum. having a VERY bad day

dubz

Hi to anyone reading this, this is the first time ive used a forum so not sure how this all works, I NEVER ask for help , not entirely sure why, just feel ive failed if I have to ask for help I suppose, but today, if nothing else, I just need to verbalise (write!)about this horrible day. I have a son who is 12 and has 'symptoms consistent with Aspergers Syndrome" ( that's as official as they will be in my area!) today he has been excluded from school because he, in the words of the school, violently assaulted another boy, by shoving him so hard that he fell and ended up with a cut and bruised head. we have been worried about this happening for so long, he is a lovely boy, very intelligent academically but not emotionally,  and has always had a problem with his temper if something doesn't go right or someone says something mean, today this boy at school accused him of cheating when he was keeping score in a school cricket match, my son protested his innocence but the boy kept on, and encouraged other boys to join in the accusation, and this was too much for my son. the school he goes to is a mainstream state school that has a specialist Aspergers/autism unit and my son has a full statement with full time TA's, we had a big struggle to find somewhere for his secondary education because of the lack of provision and have ended up having to send him to a school in a neighbouring education authority . We did visit special schools but there were none to cater for higher functioning children. This exclusion today is exactly the reason we didn't want mainstream school for him, because we feel he needs to be somwhere that can help with his lack of emotional maturity which causes his outbursts when he can't cope with something. He has come so far, I used to be at his primary school almost daily apologising for him hitting or pushing someone but this has got less and less over the years and apart from a couple of incidents where he has become upset in class, this is the first incident since he started at secondary school last September. so worried now, this is now on his school record and I don't know what we'll do if it happens again and he gets expelled. He is very depressed about the whole thing and was crying on the way home saying how unfair it is that he was born like this and that just cut me up and I just feel ive failed him. Run out of steam now and getting a bit upset so going to stop there. Any advice gratefully received! 

Parents

  • OK, actually now got a couple of books I think are relevant!  Firstly going back to what happened on the cricket pitch...

    I think there's some stuff in Tony Atwood's 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' which is useful. In his chapter on bullying, page 103 to 105 he talks about 'equitable justice' and a scales of justice exercise.  Basically in this each participant in an incident has a piece of paper, and there are a supply of blocks available.  You go through the incident in depth, looking at each mistake made, and allocating blocks appropriately.  So in this case the other kids would get some blocks for their teasing. Possibly the teacher would get blocks for not supporting Dubz's son's decisions as scorer/putting him in that situation in the first place.  Dubz's son would get blocks for his actions, and possibly for not choosing to go to the teacher as soon as the other kids started teasing.  The amount of blocks would be proportional to the serousness of each mistake: so (according to Atwood) not going to the teacher at a particular point might score one block, swearing at someone might rate 4, and actually punching someone and causing injury might rate 12.  The idea of doing this is that it can explain why a punishment that seems unfair might actually be fair while still acknowleging everyone's role in what happened.  It can also look at things that can be done to prevent it happening again.

    Re my earlier comment about looking at contribution rather than blame: I think Atwood gives a good example of how it can be applied.  But more generaly a good book is 'Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most' by Stone, Patton and Heen.  I think Longman had some really good points.  I think it's a real shame the thread got diverted into an argument about whether his attitude was acceptable or not! And who was to blame for the incident on the cricket pitch, as if only one person should take all the blame and repercussions!

    Re whether the boy should have been scorer: while it may have ended up being a contributing factor, on the other hand I think it can be a positive thing to involve a kid by giving them such a role. The teacher's intentions may have been good.  I also don't think we should looks at such roles as 'what the person who can't do anything else is given to do', but as 'roles that only suit some people', which is less negative.  If the boy enjoys being scorer then the mistakes were elsewhere.

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  • OK, actually now got a couple of books I think are relevant!  Firstly going back to what happened on the cricket pitch...

    I think there's some stuff in Tony Atwood's 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' which is useful. In his chapter on bullying, page 103 to 105 he talks about 'equitable justice' and a scales of justice exercise.  Basically in this each participant in an incident has a piece of paper, and there are a supply of blocks available.  You go through the incident in depth, looking at each mistake made, and allocating blocks appropriately.  So in this case the other kids would get some blocks for their teasing. Possibly the teacher would get blocks for not supporting Dubz's son's decisions as scorer/putting him in that situation in the first place.  Dubz's son would get blocks for his actions, and possibly for not choosing to go to the teacher as soon as the other kids started teasing.  The amount of blocks would be proportional to the serousness of each mistake: so (according to Atwood) not going to the teacher at a particular point might score one block, swearing at someone might rate 4, and actually punching someone and causing injury might rate 12.  The idea of doing this is that it can explain why a punishment that seems unfair might actually be fair while still acknowleging everyone's role in what happened.  It can also look at things that can be done to prevent it happening again.

    Re my earlier comment about looking at contribution rather than blame: I think Atwood gives a good example of how it can be applied.  But more generaly a good book is 'Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most' by Stone, Patton and Heen.  I think Longman had some really good points.  I think it's a real shame the thread got diverted into an argument about whether his attitude was acceptable or not! And who was to blame for the incident on the cricket pitch, as if only one person should take all the blame and repercussions!

    Re whether the boy should have been scorer: while it may have ended up being a contributing factor, on the other hand I think it can be a positive thing to involve a kid by giving them such a role. The teacher's intentions may have been good.  I also don't think we should looks at such roles as 'what the person who can't do anything else is given to do', but as 'roles that only suit some people', which is less negative.  If the boy enjoys being scorer then the mistakes were elsewhere.

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