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First time on forum. having a VERY bad day

dubz

Hi to anyone reading this, this is the first time ive used a forum so not sure how this all works, I NEVER ask for help , not entirely sure why, just feel ive failed if I have to ask for help I suppose, but today, if nothing else, I just need to verbalise (write!)about this horrible day. I have a son who is 12 and has 'symptoms consistent with Aspergers Syndrome" ( that's as official as they will be in my area!) today he has been excluded from school because he, in the words of the school, violently assaulted another boy, by shoving him so hard that he fell and ended up with a cut and bruised head. we have been worried about this happening for so long, he is a lovely boy, very intelligent academically but not emotionally,  and has always had a problem with his temper if something doesn't go right or someone says something mean, today this boy at school accused him of cheating when he was keeping score in a school cricket match, my son protested his innocence but the boy kept on, and encouraged other boys to join in the accusation, and this was too much for my son. the school he goes to is a mainstream state school that has a specialist Aspergers/autism unit and my son has a full statement with full time TA's, we had a big struggle to find somewhere for his secondary education because of the lack of provision and have ended up having to send him to a school in a neighbouring education authority . We did visit special schools but there were none to cater for higher functioning children. This exclusion today is exactly the reason we didn't want mainstream school for him, because we feel he needs to be somwhere that can help with his lack of emotional maturity which causes his outbursts when he can't cope with something. He has come so far, I used to be at his primary school almost daily apologising for him hitting or pushing someone but this has got less and less over the years and apart from a couple of incidents where he has become upset in class, this is the first incident since he started at secondary school last September. so worried now, this is now on his school record and I don't know what we'll do if it happens again and he gets expelled. He is very depressed about the whole thing and was crying on the way home saying how unfair it is that he was born like this and that just cut me up and I just feel ive failed him. Run out of steam now and getting a bit upset so going to stop there. Any advice gratefully received! 

Parents

  • I've got to take issue with his "lack of emotional maturity which causes his outbursts". We really need to sit down and discuss this concept.

    There are people on the autistic spectrum who become manipulative. Who use physical bullying to get their way, because they see it works. But reading what you say above, I don't think that is what is happening.

    Autism affects the ability to take in and process your environment, whether that is environmental (visual, audo or other sensory assaults) or information (written or spoken, but especially aggressively spoken by lots of others).

    I suggest that your son is not emotionally immature but suffering great distress and facing very real difficulties. What you see as his temper is a manifestation of acute pain and distress, and a response to a really harsh world that he doesn't seem to fit into.

    He was keeping score in a school cricket match - why?  Was the job given to him because he is not considered good enough to play?  Is keeping score something he is naturally good at? Or is keeping score a chore nobody wants to do so give it to the school "idiot" ? (I use idiot carefully and tactfully here).

    Score keepers are going to encounter conflict. It is like being the referee in a football match. His decision is likely to be challenged. Indeed he ought to have been backed by the school, endorsing the responsibility - it doesn't sound like that happened. Is it really fair to make the autistic boy the score keeper, and not back him up, knowing conflict was likely to ensue? The school I suggest has behaved foully, and needs to be made accountable.

    A boy accused him of cheating and all your son's schoolmates backed his accuser. Hello - sounds like bullying, and the school turning a blind eye....like many schools do.

    OK he hasn't got a confirmed diagnosis, but for all intents and purposes he has symptoms consistent with Asperger's Syndrome. It would help to get the diagnosis confirmed.

    But team sports like cricket are hardly easy environments for a kid with aspergers - he is likely to have poor coordination, including hand eye coordination. He wont fit into teams well. He may be confused by visual stimuli, and sensitive to sudden loud noises. It will be hard for him to follow the rules of cricket and interpret what is happening at any one moment. Very likely why he has ended up as scorer. I know my cricket skills were hopelessly lacking, when trying to field I mistook every flying bird for the ball and I couldn't catch. Why is an aspergers kid being forced into the cricket team....? Its ludicrous.

    So I suspect the reality is the school knows very little about autism. And they do need to account for their behaviour towards him. I'd like to know why he was made scorer.

    But having said all that it greatly worries me you keep apologising for him. Autism is a horrible condition to suffer from. Its not his fault (OK its the condition's fault). But I think he deserves more supportive and BETTER INFORMED parents. Read up on aspergers. Try to understand his world.

Reply

  • I've got to take issue with his "lack of emotional maturity which causes his outbursts". We really need to sit down and discuss this concept.

    There are people on the autistic spectrum who become manipulative. Who use physical bullying to get their way, because they see it works. But reading what you say above, I don't think that is what is happening.

    Autism affects the ability to take in and process your environment, whether that is environmental (visual, audo or other sensory assaults) or information (written or spoken, but especially aggressively spoken by lots of others).

    I suggest that your son is not emotionally immature but suffering great distress and facing very real difficulties. What you see as his temper is a manifestation of acute pain and distress, and a response to a really harsh world that he doesn't seem to fit into.

    He was keeping score in a school cricket match - why?  Was the job given to him because he is not considered good enough to play?  Is keeping score something he is naturally good at? Or is keeping score a chore nobody wants to do so give it to the school "idiot" ? (I use idiot carefully and tactfully here).

    Score keepers are going to encounter conflict. It is like being the referee in a football match. His decision is likely to be challenged. Indeed he ought to have been backed by the school, endorsing the responsibility - it doesn't sound like that happened. Is it really fair to make the autistic boy the score keeper, and not back him up, knowing conflict was likely to ensue? The school I suggest has behaved foully, and needs to be made accountable.

    A boy accused him of cheating and all your son's schoolmates backed his accuser. Hello - sounds like bullying, and the school turning a blind eye....like many schools do.

    OK he hasn't got a confirmed diagnosis, but for all intents and purposes he has symptoms consistent with Asperger's Syndrome. It would help to get the diagnosis confirmed.

    But team sports like cricket are hardly easy environments for a kid with aspergers - he is likely to have poor coordination, including hand eye coordination. He wont fit into teams well. He may be confused by visual stimuli, and sensitive to sudden loud noises. It will be hard for him to follow the rules of cricket and interpret what is happening at any one moment. Very likely why he has ended up as scorer. I know my cricket skills were hopelessly lacking, when trying to field I mistook every flying bird for the ball and I couldn't catch. Why is an aspergers kid being forced into the cricket team....? Its ludicrous.

    So I suspect the reality is the school knows very little about autism. And they do need to account for their behaviour towards him. I'd like to know why he was made scorer.

    But having said all that it greatly worries me you keep apologising for him. Autism is a horrible condition to suffer from. Its not his fault (OK its the condition's fault). But I think he deserves more supportive and BETTER INFORMED parents. Read up on aspergers. Try to understand his world.

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