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Masking and understanding

sam_85

Struggling to connect with my teenage daughter and understand how best to support her – looking for advice from other parents Heart️

I’m a mum to a 14-year-old daughter who I strongly suspect may be autistic, although she is currently undiagnosed. The difficulty I’m facing is that she doesn’t want to entertain the idea of autism at all. She isn’t interested in exploring it, discussing it or considering an assessment.

I’m finding this increasingly difficult as I want so much to understand her better, connect with her and make sure I’m supporting her in the right way. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to understand a world that she doesn’t want to let me into, and I’m not always sure how to get through to her without making her feel that I’m constantly analysing her or suggesting there’s something different about her.

I worry about whether I’m getting things right as a mum. I don’t want to push her towards a label or make her feel that I’m trying to change who she is. Equally, I worry that without understanding what’s going on for her, I might miss opportunities to support her or recognise when she’s struggling.

With GCSEs approaching, I’m also increasingly anxious about what the next few years will look like. How will she manage the pressure, expectations and transition into adulthood if she doesn’t have the understanding or support she might need?

I suppose my biggest worry isn’t necessarily about getting a diagnosis; it’s about being able to connect with my daughter, understand her perspective and help her navigate life in a way that works for her.

I’d really love to hear from other parents who have been in a similar position:

  • Have you had a teenager who completely rejected the idea of being autistic?
  • How did you approach conversations without making them feel labelled or pressured?
  • How do you support your child when they don’t recognise or acknowledge the difficulties you see?
  • Have you found ways to build a better connection and understanding?
  • How did you navigate school, GCSEs and future support without a diagnosis?

I love my daughter and want her to feel accepted exactly as she is. I just want to understand her better and make sure she knows I’m on her side, even when I don’t always get it right.

I would really appreciate hearing your experiences, advice and any reassurance from parents who have been through something similar. Heart️

Parents

  • Hi, I am really sorry, I am not going to be able to offer much help because I am going through similar with my 16 year old son. However he is diagnosed as Autistic and Dyspraxic but absolutely hates being either,  it is really bad at the moment.  

    He has not long started therapy with a therapist who specialises in neurodiversity and is also autistic themselves. He is engaging so far. They will be covering acceptance therapy. I obviously recommend this but this is really hard to encourage her to engage in if she doesn't entertain the idea of Autism or being different. 

    As for school you can speak to the SENDCO as they don't need a diagnosis to get support. You can arrange a meeting without your daughter and just explain that you think that your daughter is autistic but do not have a diagnosis and that she needs support through her GCSE'S. Explain your worries and concerns and ask for any help they can give.  

    You could also book a GP appointment for yourself to discuss your concerns and ask how they could help to get a diagnosis of she is not entertaining the idea and explain you want to be able to get the right support. 

    As for you doubting yourself as a mum, this is so easy to feel like this. I was actually sobbing last night feeling the same. But the fact you are worried you are not doing things right means you are doing everything right in the best way you know how. You are also on here asking for help. That is a mum who wants to do as best she can. 

Reply

  • Hi, I am really sorry, I am not going to be able to offer much help because I am going through similar with my 16 year old son. However he is diagnosed as Autistic and Dyspraxic but absolutely hates being either,  it is really bad at the moment.  

    He has not long started therapy with a therapist who specialises in neurodiversity and is also autistic themselves. He is engaging so far. They will be covering acceptance therapy. I obviously recommend this but this is really hard to encourage her to engage in if she doesn't entertain the idea of Autism or being different. 

    As for school you can speak to the SENDCO as they don't need a diagnosis to get support. You can arrange a meeting without your daughter and just explain that you think that your daughter is autistic but do not have a diagnosis and that she needs support through her GCSE'S. Explain your worries and concerns and ask for any help they can give.  

    You could also book a GP appointment for yourself to discuss your concerns and ask how they could help to get a diagnosis of she is not entertaining the idea and explain you want to be able to get the right support. 

    As for you doubting yourself as a mum, this is so easy to feel like this. I was actually sobbing last night feeling the same. But the fact you are worried you are not doing things right means you are doing everything right in the best way you know how. You are also on here asking for help. That is a mum who wants to do as best she can. 

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