What are your top tips for telling a 7 year old girl they are Autistic?

Good morning from America, Klove!

I have a daughter with AuDHD like me (age 8, name is C) and another who is NT but likely has OCD like her mother (age 5, name is R). We had C diagnosed around… age 5? Idk, it’s all a blur now lol. However, I feel as though we approached the situation very well and she is very proud to be Autistic. She also has never - to my knowledge - ever used Autism as an excuse for poor behavior. Here’s my advice:

1. Most importantly: Give examples. We were fortunate I was diagnosed before my daughter, so we used me as an example of a [apparently] successful adult with Autism. I could point out what my struggles are, what I do to overcome them, and show that there are things - such as creativity - that I do differently that makes me a little special. If you don’t have a friend or family member that is already diagnosed, then there are positive examples in media. My go-to was Bruno from Thomas & Friends All Engines Go, which is an age-appropriate cartoon on Netflix. Bruno has sound sensitivities and sometimes talks a bit oddly, but he is very gentle and has a special interest in maps. Not to mention the producers of that show approached Autistic communities to properly design that character. If your child sees that others can be successful and beloved in spite of the differences, it will make it much easier to accept.

You could also give examples of people with various disabilities - both invisible like Autism or physical like hemiparesis - accomplishing great things. For example, you could show her Paralympic athletes doing incredible feats of athleticism. This not only increases the odds she will expect more of herself, it should also establish a strong baseline of compassion for others. That kills two birds with one stone!

2. Normalize disabilities. This is obviously closely tied with point number 1, but it’s important for your daughter to understand that they are capable of many things regardless of her condition. You’re already doing this by bringing up Autism and answering questions about it in a positive light! Frequency of discussing Autism normalizes it, whereas rarely speaking about it makes it feel more taboo and less acceptable.

3. I have a motto of “Autism is an explanation, not an excuse,” which I often share with my daughter. In other words, we can explain that we do certain things or react certain ways due to the Autism, but never should we blame poor choices on it. For example, being overstimulated in a supermarket is explained by the Autism - there’s only so much she can do to prevent that - but throwing a fit instead of going through the breathing exercises we’ve worked on is a choice and is not excused by the Autism diagnosis.

4. Very often I remind my kids that “We’re expecting you to do your best, not perfection.” While that may be even more important for the daughter who likely has OCD, C also benefits from that. Autism almost guarantees you won’t do some things - such as social interactions - perfectly every time. Asking for the best your daughter can do relieves some of the stress related to failing and also reinforces point number 3. When she does make a big mistake, I remind her of that motto and ask if she did her best effort. Often times she admits “no,” so then we can talk about how to do her best the next time that situation comes up.

5. Discipline is tough even without Autism being a factor. It sounds like your awareness of being careful not to discipline behaviors closely linked to Autism means that you are potentially miles ahead of other parents of children with Autism. I think the important thing is to consider whether a bad behavior is your daughter’s choice or if it is something outside of her control. I’ve inherited my mother’s discipline tactic of “1, 2, 3 Magic,” in which you give a child three chances to stop making a bad choice before disciplining beyond vocal correction. I feel like while that’s not perfect and can encourage children to push boundaries, it can be beneficial to Autistic children who just need a gentle reminder that they are making poor choices that can be changed.

I am far from one to say I’m a perfect father. I definitely don’t interact with them as much as they need and I often feel overwhelmed due to the incapability to stop them from reacting inappropriately (one huge problem for us is that C is VERY vocal when she is given food she doesn’t like. It’s very rude and inconsiderate, so we’re working on that). However, I’m fairly confident that these five points have definitely helped C. Hopefully something here can help you and your daughter, too!

Good morning from America, Klove!

I have a daughter with AuDHD like me (age 8, name is C) and another who is NT but likely has OCD like her mother (age 5, name is R). We had C diagnosed around… age 5? Idk, it’s all a blur now lol. However, I feel as though we approached the situation very well and she is very proud to be Autistic. She also has never - to my knowledge - ever used Autism as an excuse for poor behavior. Here’s my advice:

1. Most importantly: Give examples. We were fortunate I was diagnosed before my daughter, so we used me as an example of a [apparently] successful adult with Autism. I could point out what my struggles are, what I do to overcome them, and show that there are things - such as creativity - that I do differently that makes me a little special. If you don’t have a friend or family member that is already diagnosed, then there are positive examples in media. My go-to was Bruno from Thomas & Friends All Engines Go, which is an age-appropriate cartoon on Netflix. Bruno has sound sensitivities and sometimes talks a bit oddly, but he is very gentle and has a special interest in maps. Not to mention the producers of that show approached Autistic communities to properly design that character. If your child sees that others can be successful and beloved in spite of the differences, it will make it much easier to accept.

You could also give examples of people with various disabilities - both invisible like Autism or physical like hemiparesis - accomplishing great things. For example, you could show her Paralympic athletes doing incredible feats of athleticism. This not only increases the odds she will expect more of herself, it should also establish a strong baseline of compassion for others. That kills two birds with one stone!

2. Normalize disabilities. This is obviously closely tied with point number 1, but it’s important for your daughter to understand that they are capable of many things regardless of her condition. You’re already doing this by bringing up Autism and answering questions about it in a positive light! Frequency of discussing Autism normalizes it, whereas rarely speaking about it makes it feel more taboo and less acceptable.

3. I have a motto of “Autism is an explanation, not an excuse,” which I often share with my daughter. In other words, we can explain that we do certain things or react certain ways due to the Autism, but never should we blame poor choices on it. For example, being overstimulated in a supermarket is explained by the Autism - there’s only so much she can do to prevent that - but throwing a fit instead of going through the breathing exercises we’ve worked on is a choice and is not excused by the Autism diagnosis.

4. Very often I remind my kids that “We’re expecting you to do your best, not perfection.” While that may be even more important for the daughter who likely has OCD, C also benefits from that. Autism almost guarantees you won’t do some things - such as social interactions - perfectly every time. Asking for the best your daughter can do relieves some of the stress related to failing and also reinforces point number 3. When she does make a big mistake, I remind her of that motto and ask if she did her best effort. Often times she admits “no,” so then we can talk about how to do her best the next time that situation comes up.

5. Discipline is tough even without Autism being a factor. It sounds like your awareness of being careful not to discipline behaviors closely linked to Autism means that you are potentially miles ahead of other parents of children with Autism. I think the important thing is to consider whether a bad behavior is your daughter’s choice or if it is something outside of her control. I’ve inherited my mother’s discipline tactic of “1, 2, 3 Magic,” in which you give a child three chances to stop making a bad choice before disciplining beyond vocal correction. I feel like while that’s not perfect and can encourage children to push boundaries, it can be beneficial to Autistic children who just need a gentle reminder that they are making poor choices that can be changed.

I am far from one to say I’m a perfect father. I definitely don’t interact with them as much as they need and I often feel overwhelmed due to the incapability to stop them from reacting inappropriately (one huge problem for us is that C is VERY vocal when she is given food she doesn’t like. It’s very rude and inconsiderate, so we’re working on that). However, I’m fairly confident that these five points have definitely helped C. Hopefully something here can help you and your daughter, too!