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New to group: school avoidance in year 13

Alleycham

Hello everyone,

I'm brand new to this group so hello to everyone. 

I'm the mother of a 17 year son who has pretty much stopped going to school, and is struggling even to get out of his bed before the middle of the afternoon.  He really wants to go to school but can't get there so I'd really love to hear any similar experiences in this area.  

He was diagnosed with autism two years ago although is still in denial about the diagnosis. School attendance started to decrease in Year 9.  I have two particular questions: does anyone have any advice about trying to get him out of bed?  Any motivations or tips?  His sleep hygiene is quite bad so that's a contributory factor to him not getting up. 

The other questions is that I have put school and exams on the back burner at the moment, in order to reduce any stress but I'd really like to know what options or pathways are available if he leaves school next year, with very few qualifications.  He's very bright and wants to do well but his mental health isn't good at the moment, so he needs to focus on improving his self esteem and wellbeing before thinking about next steps.

Thank you so much

  • Hi Alleycham,

    I'm really sorry I am not going to have much advice for you, I'm in a similar situation and thought I'd reach out to let you know you're not alone and share things that I do however they don't always work and I struggle a lot to get my daughter out of bed, it's driving me crazy.

    My difficulty starts with getting her to wake up and then once awake getting her physically out of bed. Things I do to try to encourage my 14 year old out of bed, or just to wake her up as she could sleep all day, I take up a drink and snack I wake her to let her know it's there, and that I'm off to work. It can be to much for her to have to get up and go downstairs to get a drink or food, so this helps, especially as if I didn't do this she wouldn't eat or drink until very late in the day.

    I put her phone on charge on her desk, she sets alarms herself but these rarely work, however if it does wake her she has to get up to get it, yes she usually goes back to bed but sometimes it works as then she'll see her food and drink and this helps wake her. I'm thinking of trying a vibrating wristband.

    We have a comfy chair in her room I try to get her to have her drink or snacks in the chair just so she's out of bed, I also let her take cushions and blankets downstairs on the sofa, it's not ideal I know she's still lying down but I see it as her being in a more sociable space and more awake. She is currently in burnout so I try not to expect too much from her.

    I open her curtains slightly, she's very light sensitive so too much light would actually make her huddle down in bed more so, if I really want her to get out of bed I turn off her fan and leave the door open, which will get her out of bed but usually followed with a slammed door and she gets back into bed.

    On the weekends I drive myself mad going into her room back and forth trying to get her up, bribery can work with a promise to go somewhere or getting food or drink from somewhere, or do something but if they don't have the energy for that, then that doesn't work.

    My last resort is borrowing my sons dog to jump on her, he's the only one that can get away with it, but obviously this isn't always a possibility.

    I feel like I've waffled on and not really helped, as the things I try don't always work!

    Just a thought, have you been offered any support regarding his mental health? It might be helpful for him to speak to someone about his diagnosis, if he is open to it.

    Sending hugs

    Robyn

  • Hi Alleycham, and welcome to the online community!  It is wonderful to have you here, and also great that you're trying to support your son so much despite how difficult it must be for the both of you.  I would like to direct you to a few NAS guidance pages that may be helpful:

    How will I feel after receiving a diagnosis? - since you mentioned that your son struggled to accept his diagnosis of autism, this page might be helpful for both him and you to look at, and discuss some of the things together if that sounds good.

    School education - there are a variety of guidance pages under this heading, including what you can do if your child refuses to go to school and what other education options there may be available.

    Transitions - there is a lot of information here on transitions between secondary school and higher education like college or university, depending on what area of the UK you are based in.

    Sleep - information here on sleep and autistic people.

    Resources for autistic teenagers - NAS has specialised guidance and information here, called the "Know Yourself" series for autistic teenagers.  It covers a variety of topics.

    You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health
    If you feel that your son might need some support with his mental health, you can find advice and information on how to go about seeking help, including links to other resources and details of helplines and listening support services, here: Seeking help 

    I know this is quite a lot of information to go through, but I hope that at least some of it is helpful.  I am wishing you and your son all the very best.  Please do feel free to post again and let us know how you both are doing.

    - Nicola Mod