Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm hoping for some advice about my 27-year-old brother, who was diagnosed in primary school with autism/Asperger's and ADHD.
Our Mum died very suddenly in 2022, only four weeks after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. Mum had always been the person who dealt with most things concerning my brother, and since losing her I feel as though that role has automatically fallen to me.
When he was younger, things at home could be extremely difficult. He had frequent meltdowns, could become violent, knives sometimes had to be hidden and there were occasions when Mum would lock herself in her car to get away from the situation.
As an adult he went to university and has lived somewhat independently, but he has recently had to move back into our family home after being evicted from his HMO. I currently live there too, while our Dad stays part-time.
I'm finding the situation increasingly difficult to manage. My brother can be verbally abusive, becomes extremely defensive if anyone suggests he could have handled something differently, struggles to accept responsibility and often seems unable or unwilling to consider somebody else's point of view. There is also an expectation that other people will sort things out for him.
There are practical problems too. He hoards electronics, got into significant debt after Mum died and now has an IVA, struggles to manage money and isn't always truthful about it. He currently receives PIP and JSA and there are ongoing arguments about contributing towards the household. He pays towards bills/food rather than actual rent, but has previously said that Dad and I are "not having his PIP" towards his living costs.
I'm planning to move out within the next couple of months and this has made me realise how unsustainable the situation has become. At the moment I don't trust that the household bills will be paid or that the house will be properly looked after once I leave.
I love my brother and I understand that some of the things he struggles with are related to being autistic and having ADHD. I'm not trying to change who he is. What I'm struggling with is knowing where autism-related difficulties end and where it is reasonable for me to say, "You're an adult and this is your responsibility."
I also don't know how to set boundaries with somebody who reacts very badly to being challenged. Since Mum died I feel as though I've become the person who has to deal with everything, while Dad tends not to get involved, and I'm exhausted by it.
I'd really appreciate hearing from autistic adults, siblings/parents of autistic adults, or anyone who has experienced something similar.
How do you support someone without becoming responsible for their entire life?
How do you set boundaries around money, household responsibilities and verbally abusive behaviour?
And are there services or support that could help him learn to manage these things independently, rather than them continuing to fall to me?
Thank you for reading – I know this is a long post, but I wasn't sure where else to ask.
