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How do I tell my Autistic daughter her Aunt has cancer

Kirstysaw

Hi All,

I am just looking for some support with how best to break the news to my daughter that her Aunt has cancer. 

My 13 year old daughter has been recently diagnosed with Autism and 3 months ago, she attempted to end her own life by jumping from a bridge.

My Sister (the Aunt who has cancer) didn't want to further stress her and tell her about the diagnosis but she has found out today that she will have chemotherapy and will more than likely lose her hair. For this reason, I don't think it is something we can continue to hide from her. My sister is very concerned that this could set her back and cause her so much worry that she may attempt at taking her life again. Her main struggles with Autism is not being able to express her emotions which she then goes to extreme lengths to deal with instead.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any tips on how to gently tell her? Any advice is much appreciated

  • Personally I go for the simple honest approach on difficult situations like this, with lashings of compassion. I keep to the point and make it easy for questions to be asked and have as much info to hand as possible but I try not to give too much at once.

    In my experience teenagers have a very active b*llsh#tomitter so taking the scenic route or hiding things has never gone well for me cos they can sense something isn’t right. With me they suspected something was wrong and had heard snippets from conversations. Talking about it simply, gave the opportunity for the whole picture to become clearer for them.

    I also encouraged a certain amount of age appropriate participation in the journey, rather than going down the let’s not talk about it route. It seemed to help with understanding and refocus attention.

    A schools counsellor or youth worker may offer additional external support. Just be open, keep those lines of communication going. Teenagers are more resilient than we think.  I also found that they copied how I coped. If I fell apart they fell apart but when I normalised what was going on and showed ways to cope with it they followed suit. It taught them coping strategies for life when things gets a bit crap. I also kept a keen eye on them though.

    Nowadays cancer treatments can extend life and also put cancer into remission which maybe a positive that can be focused on, although be prepared for the question of dying. I also kept an eye on the google searching to avoid them ending up down a rabbit hole. Best she hears it from you and your sister than the vast expanse of social media etc.

    there are resources that may help on the MacMillan Cancer Support at macmillan.co.uk.

  • This sounds like a very difficult conversation to approach with care, where your method of being honest yet mindful is very much to be respected - I have very similar experiences, from  my childhood, i can only imagine the dilemma of my parents.

    While I am sure that our community will have feedback to give, I would like to in the meantime, share some NAS approved resources with you:

    This previously created thread discusses how other users have explored discussing a cancer diagnosis: (+) Explaining a cancer diagnosis - Health and lifestyle - Home - National Autistic Society - Our Community

    This resource discusses how bereavement may be approached with autistic individuals: Bereavement

    For varied resources located around the UK, try the following: Autism Services Directory

    our ASH system may touch upon additional points this response has missed: Ask ASH (Autism Support Helper)

    Going forwards, I wish you the best - this is not an easy situation to be a part of, although, as you say, just how long would you be able to avoid discussing this?

    Thanks - Zac Mod.