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boom and bust

aurelis

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. It comes as trying to take on a range of commitments, and putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect person, only to crumble apart after a few months of burnout. In those times I’m taking on lots of commitments, I feel a burst of energy, a feeling that finally, I’ve overcome the thing that’s holding me back (which I think is my shame of my autism) and I can join everyone else as managing and coping and becoming an adult. I then get to a point where I gradually start to fall off and into a depression. The depression is fueled with self-hate and opposition to my autism, and wishing on a version of me that had it all together, then life would be better. 

I also really struggle with a routine. There are several things I enjoy, but they get ruined with perfectionism. There’s not a thing that I can say that I do everyday to keep me balanced. I try things and even if successful, like exercise, I quickly fall off and stop doing it. Usually if the day hasn’t gone perfectly.

its really hard to let go of the stubborn perfectionist mind I have, and I know a solution is to be kinder to myself and to slow down and not take on so many things. But in the slowness is this anxiety that I’m not going quick enough, even though I know if I do that, I’ll crash again.

It feels very unstable, and I feel a lot of shame in myself for not being a committed and consistent person as I would like to. But more than that, I feel confused. Things that I try to put meaning on when I’m feeling the stage of “high energy”’and give me a feeling that life finally means something, mean nothing when I’m crashed, and then I’m just left confused. And the shame comes feeling I need to mask as an adult like everyone else.

the crash and shame is from a feeling that I can reach perfection, somehow grasp it, and the high I feel from “overcoming autism”.

Can anyone relate to this at all, and share some of their perspectives? I also feel slightly guilty as I feel as if I may have shared something similar to this before, but it takes me a long time to actually understand it seems.

Parents

  • I can understand, sometimes you really want to do everything but then it takes a lot out of you and then you hit a low after, for energy and mood. 

    I think it helps to know that, if you do want to do things and push through, that's great, but schedule in the time after for recovery as you know you'll need it.

    So for me, if say at christmas the kids want to go ice skating, I don't really like it but I want to take them so they can enjoy it. I'll push through the discomfort of the crowds and slip into 'public mode', but I know the rest of the day will be a crash, I'll plan a 'throw in the oven' dinner, and we all just sit around on the sofa and chill without feeling guilty about it. (and if we have one big thing on the weekend, I'll leave the rest of the next day (or the day before) too for recovery, my kids need it too).

    Then you can feel a bit more of a routine and feel less guilt and shame, but still get out and have commitments. I think you can push limits but it's building in that recovery time so you don't get burnt out, and learning to enjoy that too.

Reply

  • I can understand, sometimes you really want to do everything but then it takes a lot out of you and then you hit a low after, for energy and mood. 

    I think it helps to know that, if you do want to do things and push through, that's great, but schedule in the time after for recovery as you know you'll need it.

    So for me, if say at christmas the kids want to go ice skating, I don't really like it but I want to take them so they can enjoy it. I'll push through the discomfort of the crowds and slip into 'public mode', but I know the rest of the day will be a crash, I'll plan a 'throw in the oven' dinner, and we all just sit around on the sofa and chill without feeling guilty about it. (and if we have one big thing on the weekend, I'll leave the rest of the next day (or the day before) too for recovery, my kids need it too).

    Then you can feel a bit more of a routine and feel less guilt and shame, but still get out and have commitments. I think you can push limits but it's building in that recovery time so you don't get burnt out, and learning to enjoy that too.

Children
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