I’ve noticed a pattern in myself. It comes as trying to take on a range of commitments, and putting the pressure on myself to be the perfect person, only to crumble apart after a few months of burnout. In those times I’m taking on lots of commitments, I feel a burst of energy, a feeling that finally, I’ve overcome the thing that’s holding me back (which I think is my shame of my autism) and I can join everyone else as managing and coping and becoming an adult. I then get to a point where I gradually start to fall off and into a depression. The depression is fueled with self-hate and opposition to my autism, and wishing on a version of me that had it all together, then life would be better.
I also really struggle with a routine. There are several things I enjoy, but they get ruined with perfectionism. There’s not a thing that I can say that I do everyday to keep me balanced. I try things and even if successful, like exercise, I quickly fall off and stop doing it. Usually if the day hasn’t gone perfectly.
its really hard to let go of the stubborn perfectionist mind I have, and I know a solution is to be kinder to myself and to slow down and not take on so many things. But in the slowness is this anxiety that I’m not going quick enough, even though I know if I do that, I’ll crash again.
It feels very unstable, and I feel a lot of shame in myself for not being a committed and consistent person as I would like to. But more than that, I feel confused. Things that I try to put meaning on when I’m feeling the stage of “high energy”’and give me a feeling that life finally means something, mean nothing when I’m crashed, and then I’m just left confused. And the shame comes feeling I need to mask as an adult like everyone else.
the crash and shame is from a feeling that I can reach perfection, somehow grasp it, and the high I feel from “overcoming autism”.
Can anyone relate to this at all, and share some of their perspectives? I also feel slightly guilty as I feel as if I may have shared something similar to this before, but it takes me a long time to actually understand it seems.
