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What, when and how to tell your child that s/he's autistic

ByteBandit

Hello,

We're in a bit of a quandry. We have two daughthers, 2yo and 7yo, both have a diagnosis of HFA. The 2yo is very physical and sees other kids as obstacles to be pushed, shoved, bitten, whatever it takes to get or do what she wants. Following various incidents in play areas we're contemplating getting one of these "I have autism" t-shirts, either from the NAS or elsewhere, along with a box of hand out cards. But, just a bit concerned the 7yo will ask "What is autism?". This falls firmly into the box of other "how do I answer" questions such as "Who is God?". As yet, the 7yo has never asked anything or indicated she has any awareness that she is different or treated differently to any of the other kids, but this is only a matter of time, maybe a long time, but it will come.

This set me wondering. Do we pre-empt her asking and just tell her straight, especially as her younger sister is a bit of a sore thumb so to speak, do we drip feed information as and when she needs it? How do you tell somebody with a communication disorder that they have a communication disorder?

Any insight from parents in a similar situation particularily welcome!

 

Regards,

Mark Leavesley

Parents

  • I'm afraid we left it too late.  We were in the same quandary as yourselves and just didn't know when or how to approach my then 8 year old son who has Asperger's Syndrome. Crunch time came that Christmas Day at my Mum's. She was doing lunch for 17 of our family and as more people turned up and as it got noisier and more crowded and everybody wanted to talk to him, he gradually got more & more agitated.  This ended with him under the dining table while people were eating.  He was banging the table, making really loud nonsensical sounds and kicking me.  He ran upstairs in a really distressed state but wouldn't let anyone near him. An hour later he shouted for me.& I went up and he was sobbing his heart out because he said he loved me so much so how could hurt me like that.  He wanted to know why he was such a bad boy and why couldn't he stop himself and saying that his heart was black.  I immediately shouted my husband and we had the discussion there and then.  I can't say it's been easy but we had no idea he thought he was evil (his word) because of the things he did.  Sorry for rambling Mark & I can't really advise you because only you know what the best is for your kids.  Just that for us it came as a shock that our son was suffering in his own world thinking all sorts of things about himself and not able to verbalise his feelings.  At least he now knows why he acts like he does; he just has a condition and lots of people are also different in their own way.  We wished we had told him before..............but there are so many "what ifs" and guilt isn't there with our kids and it's hard not to beat ourselves up over them.  I hope you are able to come to a decision Mark.  Please let us know what you decide and how it goes, whenever you do tell her.

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  • I'm afraid we left it too late.  We were in the same quandary as yourselves and just didn't know when or how to approach my then 8 year old son who has Asperger's Syndrome. Crunch time came that Christmas Day at my Mum's. She was doing lunch for 17 of our family and as more people turned up and as it got noisier and more crowded and everybody wanted to talk to him, he gradually got more & more agitated.  This ended with him under the dining table while people were eating.  He was banging the table, making really loud nonsensical sounds and kicking me.  He ran upstairs in a really distressed state but wouldn't let anyone near him. An hour later he shouted for me.& I went up and he was sobbing his heart out because he said he loved me so much so how could hurt me like that.  He wanted to know why he was such a bad boy and why couldn't he stop himself and saying that his heart was black.  I immediately shouted my husband and we had the discussion there and then.  I can't say it's been easy but we had no idea he thought he was evil (his word) because of the things he did.  Sorry for rambling Mark & I can't really advise you because only you know what the best is for your kids.  Just that for us it came as a shock that our son was suffering in his own world thinking all sorts of things about himself and not able to verbalise his feelings.  At least he now knows why he acts like he does; he just has a condition and lots of people are also different in their own way.  We wished we had told him before..............but there are so many "what ifs" and guilt isn't there with our kids and it's hard not to beat ourselves up over them.  I hope you are able to come to a decision Mark.  Please let us know what you decide and how it goes, whenever you do tell her.

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