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Is it setting up to fail

N1CK

Autistic dad with Autistic 8 year old son.

We live in an isolated area. I have tried over the years to introduce my son to different social settings. Signing him up to clubs to promote engagement/interaction.

Each club goes the same way. Encouragement to keep trying after each meltdown (over perceived loss of a race or feeling like he can't do something). Him feeling isolated as the other children keep him at arms length because of said meltdowns.

Part of me thinks, percivere to learn resilience. Another part of me thinks is this just setting him up to fail?

We get two months in and he says he doesn't enjoy going. I have to keep telling him it's good for him ( thinking of the long view ) hoping a day will come that he learns he doesn't have to win at everything. Hoping each interaction or at least try, will build some emotional resilience.

We make a deal to try something for 6 months and if he really doesn't enjoy it we will try something else.

I push sporty activities as know if he can find at least one. He will always have this to fall back on when his mood dips or he's struggling. (I know exercise is better than most antidepressants for mental health.)

Am I overthinking it? Should I stop pushing. Is it my own issues of not having anyone to push me thinking it may have benefited me as a kid if I had had someone to do that for me ? Too many questions to answer here I know.

It's difficult to know if what's right now is right for the future. Do we keep trying or is this setting up for further struggles. 

Appreciate there's no easy answer. But welcome the opportunity to talk it out. 

Parents

  • Thankyou for the response.

    He does enjoy art but also has an abundance of energy, hence try with outdoor sports. He has his art kits and will draw for a time then will be running and jumping about in the home.

    Have tired martial arts but he didn't take to karate. ( Appreciate there are more to try ) 

    Just try to offer options for him, to try new things.

    To his credit he does try. Just wonder what message he learns from trying and giving up. At what point is it causing further issues. 

    I know no easy answer and everyone different. 

    Can only do our best and that's what we try to teach him as parents. 

Reply

  • Thankyou for the response.

    He does enjoy art but also has an abundance of energy, hence try with outdoor sports. He has his art kits and will draw for a time then will be running and jumping about in the home.

    Have tired martial arts but he didn't take to karate. ( Appreciate there are more to try ) 

    Just try to offer options for him, to try new things.

    To his credit he does try. Just wonder what message he learns from trying and giving up. At what point is it causing further issues. 

    I know no easy answer and everyone different. 

    Can only do our best and that's what we try to teach him as parents. 

Children
  • in reply to N1CK

    I think I know what you mean, you want him to have opportunities but don't want it to be bad experiences.

    I think the thing that I realised is that giving up on something after trying, it is actually also a good life lesson that they don't have to put up with a bad situation and just 'soldier through'. I think there is value in that too, learning it's okay to have boundaries and he doesn't have to keep doing stuff if he's not enjoying it as it will cause worse self esteem at the end of the day. It took me a while to get that, but I want them to feel listened to and that their time is valuable how they want to spend it.

    My daughter was doing hockey for a spell, as she liked the drills and could just about handle matches (she was 8 then so pretty casual). But she did not like the playing 'fun' games part and would refuse to go on, then lose confidence. I'd get frustrated that if they started playing games first, she wouldn't go on after and do the bits she liked. So she stopped it, as I think at the end of the day trying to join in wasn't helping her. 

    She did a girls judo for a bit, but while she really seemed to get on well, one girl made it difficult for her. So we stopped that too which made me sad for her.  (Maybe she'll go back someday as she liked the group).

    She's started being more interested in tennis now, which was also a big one for my son, as I think not playing in a team is easier.  Maybe she'll join a group, but playing just with us is good, as she gets to enjoy it without the pressure of other kids. (I am crap at tennis, but we are lucky enough to have a small court nearby we can use).

    Exercise is good, but it doesn't have to be a team sport. Even just regularly going swimming together keeps them active but doesn't have social pressure? Or even climbing (though I know you said you were isolated so it might be more of an occasional trip, but even once a month activities can be useful?) Or find a nice spot to go for a bike ride together? Bonding with parents will also help mental health when older! Even solo stuff like skipping?

    She does piano, and though she doesn't always practice, it is helping develop her self confidence, which as school is hard for her, that really helps too. So like TheCatWoman says, there are other ways too if sport isn't his thing. (She is also really into art and I hang up a painting of hers in a frame so she could be proud of herself!). Sometimes it's the small things they'll remember the most!

    Good luck!