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Autism and PDA

PinkPanda245

Hi, I am new to this community and possibly AuDHD. We have requested an ASD assessment for our 11 year old son due to his behaviour this past few years. Our son is currently a school refuser and displays a lot of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) traits. However, before this has escalated he has always struggled with toileting (still an issues, due to the sensation) and sensory issues (feel of clothing etc). It has gotten much worse the past few years, with bad separation anxiety, he still co-sleeps as he does not like to be alone. He struggles with friends and has no filter when talking, just blurts things out, sometimes they are inappropriate. We have tried to gently speak to him about it but he does not seem to understand. Things have gotten worse since 2023 when we lost our eldest daughter to cancer, he has regressed and withdraws and does not like to speak when he feels overwhelmed. At first we thought it was just the grief, but we know it's more than that. His behaviour is tearing our family apart, he will not go to school and insists he is going to be home educated, I am about to lose my job due to having the time off with him.

We really don't know how to support him, he comes across as controlling, with traits of narcissism. He has become violent towards me today as I took his Xbox away due to not going to school. He comes across like he does not care but he does, however he will not go to school or let me go to work. When I am not here he does well with other people and will do as his told, is he masking? School has also said he is fine when in school. I am in desperate need of support but school refuse to do a reduced time table etc... to help ease him back int. My son says that I am his safe person, he does not feel safe or comfortable at school, saying he is overwhelmed. I feel sometimes that he manipulates me as he comes across as sarcastic etc...

Does anyone have any advice? I just don't know how to parent my son right now, I feel like I am failing him and his awful behaviour gives me negative feelings towards him. 

Thank you.

Parents

  • Hi. It sounds like your family have had a very difficult time. I lost a close friend when I was young and that affected me, being concerned about my own health. 

    If you suspect PDA there is a website that may give you useful advice, as well as books about adjusting your method of parenting. From experience of having an AuDHD child, removal of something precious did not work, but made things worse. I found it took advice from books regarding a different way of parenting, involving negotiation was the way forward. Removal of something important can cause a panic, resulting in an extreme reaction. My son has not found it easy to distinguish between how he talks to peers and how he talks to adults.

    In respect of school, if he finds it difficult, he may be masking and then releasing the pressure when he is at home in his safe place.

    In respect of parenting, it is difficult. Although my son struggled with school attendance, he did remain there, but due to so much involvement my husband did end up working part time and in the end not at all. We were able to claim DLA which helped with the lower income. If you have to give up work it is worth looking into whether this is possible, which may also mean you are entitled to other benefits.

    If you are waiting for an assessment and things are getting more difficult, it may be an idea to contact the service explaining how things have changed and ask if it is possible to bring forward the assessment. 

Reply

  • Hi. It sounds like your family have had a very difficult time. I lost a close friend when I was young and that affected me, being concerned about my own health. 

    If you suspect PDA there is a website that may give you useful advice, as well as books about adjusting your method of parenting. From experience of having an AuDHD child, removal of something precious did not work, but made things worse. I found it took advice from books regarding a different way of parenting, involving negotiation was the way forward. Removal of something important can cause a panic, resulting in an extreme reaction. My son has not found it easy to distinguish between how he talks to peers and how he talks to adults.

    In respect of school, if he finds it difficult, he may be masking and then releasing the pressure when he is at home in his safe place.

    In respect of parenting, it is difficult. Although my son struggled with school attendance, he did remain there, but due to so much involvement my husband did end up working part time and in the end not at all. We were able to claim DLA which helped with the lower income. If you have to give up work it is worth looking into whether this is possible, which may also mean you are entitled to other benefits.

    If you are waiting for an assessment and things are getting more difficult, it may be an idea to contact the service explaining how things have changed and ask if it is possible to bring forward the assessment. 

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