Masking - advice

Oh gosh - these brought back difficult memories for me - as I remember how incredibly distressing it was to take a very young child to school and them being upset everyday about going. It’s so hard and so emotional for you and your son - and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have two autistic sons - both adults now. When my eldest started school (neither of my children went to nursery) he seemed ok at first - but then he started to have stomach issues and alarmingly started to loose weight. When I spoke to the school he said that he was fine and settling in ok - but it turned out that the stomach issues and loss of weight were because the stress he was under trying to cope with being in school and he was definitely struggling more than he was showing. In the end we took him out of that school for a while, and moved him to a much smaller, quieter school once his weight was back up and he was recovered more, and he was happier at the second school (although it still wasn’t easy for him. 
My youngest son had a much more difficult time than my eldest. Due to when his birthday was he started school a bit younger - he’d only just turned 4. First day in - he went in fine. 2nd day in - also ok. But after that it was terrible - he would cry and scream every morning I took him in - and it broke my heart to do it. All the teachers kept saying to me “he’s fine after you leave!” with great big reassuring smiles - and I believed them. But this went on for weeks and I felt terrible that I was doing this to my son - taking him daily to a place that was obviously deeply upsetting for him. I felt so much pressure though that my child had to go to school - because it was essentially the law that they go (I didn’t really know about what other options there were - I was just a young mother doing what I was expected to do). After about 10 weeks it gradually got so he was less upset going, but I instinctively felt something was wrong. 
then - at his first parents evening - in the October after him starting at the end of August - they told me - quite casually! - that my son had never EVER said a single word at school! Not one word! I was absolutely stunned! Why on EARTH hadn’t they told me this before?! They’d kept telling me “he’s fine after you’ve gone” - but how is a child being completely silent all day ‘fine’ ?! A few months later after my son was diagnosed as having Selective Mutism - and he never was able to talk at school for his entire education. He was diagnosed as also being autistic when he was 10 years old.
Now obviously I’m not at all suggesting that this could happen to your child. But my point is : trust your instincts and be very aware of the subtle signs and signals that your child is giving you. Don’t ignore things if your gut tells you there is a problem, and really listen to your child and what they are telling you. Children often can’t clearly express how they are feeling in words - so you have to be very intuitive in reading how they are dealing with things. Also - there are many great and gifted teachers out there - but also they can get things wrong, and miss things, and often it’s the child who is quiet and well behaved who they don’t focus on - because they’re not clearly having any problems or causing any trouble. But that quiet, well behaved child may actually be hugely stressed and struggling on the inside. Plus - sad to say - there are some teachers who just want a quiet life and aren’t that interested as long as your child is doing what they’re told.  So don’t take the teachers word as gospel. The person you most listen to is your own child.

Some children love school and really thrive there quickly, but for some it can be deeply challenging, even traumatic. Autistic children are intrinsically more likely to find starting a new nursery or school more challenging. 
Anyway - I hope you get the support you need, and that things get easier for you both soon. Having a diagnosis will help - so that’s a great place to start. Good luck! 

Oh gosh - these brought back difficult memories for me - as I remember how incredibly distressing it was to take a very young child to school and them being upset everyday about going. It’s so hard and so emotional for you and your son - and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have two autistic sons - both adults now. When my eldest started school (neither of my children went to nursery) he seemed ok at first - but then he started to have stomach issues and alarmingly started to loose weight. When I spoke to the school he said that he was fine and settling in ok - but it turned out that the stomach issues and loss of weight were because the stress he was under trying to cope with being in school and he was definitely struggling more than he was showing. In the end we took him out of that school for a while, and moved him to a much smaller, quieter school once his weight was back up and he was recovered more, and he was happier at the second school (although it still wasn’t easy for him. 
My youngest son had a much more difficult time than my eldest. Due to when his birthday was he started school a bit younger - he’d only just turned 4. First day in - he went in fine. 2nd day in - also ok. But after that it was terrible - he would cry and scream every morning I took him in - and it broke my heart to do it. All the teachers kept saying to me “he’s fine after you leave!” with great big reassuring smiles - and I believed them. But this went on for weeks and I felt terrible that I was doing this to my son - taking him daily to a place that was obviously deeply upsetting for him. I felt so much pressure though that my child had to go to school - because it was essentially the law that they go (I didn’t really know about what other options there were - I was just a young mother doing what I was expected to do). After about 10 weeks it gradually got so he was less upset going, but I instinctively felt something was wrong. 
then - at his first parents evening - in the October after him starting at the end of August - they told me - quite casually! - that my son had never EVER said a single word at school! Not one word! I was absolutely stunned! Why on EARTH hadn’t they told me this before?! They’d kept telling me “he’s fine after you’ve gone” - but how is a child being completely silent all day ‘fine’ ?! A few months later after my son was diagnosed as having Selective Mutism - and he never was able to talk at school for his entire education. He was diagnosed as also being autistic when he was 10 years old.
Now obviously I’m not at all suggesting that this could happen to your child. But my point is : trust your instincts and be very aware of the subtle signs and signals that your child is giving you. Don’t ignore things if your gut tells you there is a problem, and really listen to your child and what they are telling you. Children often can’t clearly express how they are feeling in words - so you have to be very intuitive in reading how they are dealing with things. Also - there are many great and gifted teachers out there - but also they can get things wrong, and miss things, and often it’s the child who is quiet and well behaved who they don’t focus on - because they’re not clearly having any problems or causing any trouble. But that quiet, well behaved child may actually be hugely stressed and struggling on the inside. Plus - sad to say - there are some teachers who just want a quiet life and aren’t that interested as long as your child is doing what they’re told.  So don’t take the teachers word as gospel. The person you most listen to is your own child.

Some children love school and really thrive there quickly, but for some it can be deeply challenging, even traumatic. Autistic children are intrinsically more likely to find starting a new nursery or school more challenging. 
Anyway - I hope you get the support you need, and that things get easier for you both soon. Having a diagnosis will help - so that’s a great place to start. Good luck!