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Masking - advice

GLouise

I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this with their child as young as 4.

We strongly suspect our 4 year old son may be autistic (possibly high masking) and we’re currently waiting for paediatrics after being referred by our Health Visitor. She was incredible when she come to the house.

At home, we see huge struggles with transitions, sensory issues around clothing, meltdowns leaving places, panic around change, bolting, emotional dysregulation and needing far more support than other children his age. I physically have to carry him to the car while he screams and panics about leaving places. Don’t get me started on getting him to nursery. The anxiety of nursery will start the day before he’s due. I’ll have intense meltdowns. Anxiety. Stress. No sleep. It’s so sad to witness. I then have to physically restrain him to dress him and carry him to the car kicking and screaming, I’m struggling as his mom.

But nursery have completed their report and describe him as basically the “perfect” child. Reading it honestly felt like they were talking about somebody else entirely. The only small thing they added was he arrives to nursery crying and screaming before he’s handed over. And he sometimes rocks back and forward.

Now I’m feeling really sad, confused and worried that nobody will believe us because they aren’t seeing the same child we see at home.

Has anyone else experienced this?
Did your child mask at nursery/school but completely unravel at home?

I think what’s making this harder is feeling like I’m constantly trying to explain that these aren’t just “tantrums” or difficult behaviour. Nursery say regularly “William. Be good for your mom” he’s such a good, kind boy, he’s just struggles with sensory and transition regulation, it don’t mean he’s being ‘naughty’. It genuinely feels like he’s overwhelmed and struggling. I just want to help him and I feel really deflated.

Would really appreciate hearing from other parents who’ve been through similar and any advice you can give. Heart️ 

thank you 

Parents

  • Oh yes definitely, you aren't imagining it. They can feel such pressure, and when the other kids are loud and noisy, your child sitting quietly and not complaining is seen as perfect. 

    My daughter was very unhappy in nursery, but as she did the same thing whether happy or sad, just sat at the art table the whole time, they thought she was perfect. But she was struggling a lot, especially as her year had a lot of badly behaved rowdy boys, so they didn't pay any attention to her. She had toilet accidents all the time as she was scared to even use the toilet. And it was telling she was never in the pictures they put up for the parents. You might get a glimpse her sitting quietly in the background. Her last parents evening at nursery, her key worker couldn't say anything about her other than 'she's so quiet you forget she's there'. 

    I would try push to see if they can actually say anything meaningful about him, as sometimes perfect means he doesn't require attention from them so makes their lives easier. I mean I even remember being 4 and going to a playgroup and the best place to be was the book corner as it was the quietest place furthest away from the noise that I couldn't bear. 

    His reactions are telling you he isn't doing well, so try push the staff a little harder for a more accurate report.

Reply

  • Oh yes definitely, you aren't imagining it. They can feel such pressure, and when the other kids are loud and noisy, your child sitting quietly and not complaining is seen as perfect. 

    My daughter was very unhappy in nursery, but as she did the same thing whether happy or sad, just sat at the art table the whole time, they thought she was perfect. But she was struggling a lot, especially as her year had a lot of badly behaved rowdy boys, so they didn't pay any attention to her. She had toilet accidents all the time as she was scared to even use the toilet. And it was telling she was never in the pictures they put up for the parents. You might get a glimpse her sitting quietly in the background. Her last parents evening at nursery, her key worker couldn't say anything about her other than 'she's so quiet you forget she's there'. 

    I would try push to see if they can actually say anything meaningful about him, as sometimes perfect means he doesn't require attention from them so makes their lives easier. I mean I even remember being 4 and going to a playgroup and the best place to be was the book corner as it was the quietest place furthest away from the noise that I couldn't bear. 

    His reactions are telling you he isn't doing well, so try push the staff a little harder for a more accurate report.

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