Son struggling with autism diagnosis

Hello. My 11 year old son has recently had an autism diagnosis. It distressed him greatly to the point where I can't have a discussion with him to reassure him as he gets too distressed to engage. When I bring up the topic he says he wants to die. At the moment it seems like there is no positive in a diagnosis. He is otherwise quite content in life, it is only this that causes distress. School haven't really been much help and I worry for his transition to secondary school in September. That his autism, while not causing issues for him now, may in the future. I think part of his distress seems to come from negative thoughts about autism from his peers and a general lack of understanding. Also that those in school with a diagnosis are viewed as disruptive or weird (I know this is wrong I just think that is the perception). My son is very quiet (aside from with close friends or family), conforms, does well at school. I don't think he wants to stand out or be seen as different. Does anyone have any advice for how to talk to him and reassure him? I want him to be comfortable in himself but also understand himself to help with any difficulties he may face in the future. At the moment I feel like by getting him assessed and the diagnosis I've just upset a happy child. It is not helping him, just causing harm. He is not a difficult child to parent (though we have adapted to avoid things he struggles with) so I feel a fraud when I see so many parents struggling. I don't feel I know anyone with a child like my son I can relate to or who understands. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I just want my son to be happy and understand himself. I feel really alone. There is no support offered after diagnosis. School have yet to even meet me to discuss the report even though it came over a month ago and even though I told them it was causing my son to want to die.

Parents
  • What you’re seeing is very understandable. It sounds like your son isn’t distressed by who he is, but by what he thinks the diagnosis means. If he associates autism with negative stereotypes, it can feel frightening or like something has suddenly changed, even though it hasn’t. For now, it may help to step back from direct conversations if they overwhelm him, and instead reassure him gently that he is the same person he’s always been, nothing about him is “wrong,” and he doesn’t have to share this with anyone if he doesn’t want to.

    You haven’t done anything wrong by getting him assessed - you’ve given him information that can help him in the future, even if it feels difficult right now. I would keep pushing the school for support, especially given how distressed he is, and focus on keeping things calm and positive at home. Many children like your son, who are quiet and coping well on the surface, struggle more with how they’re perceived than with autism itself. With time and the right framing, this can become something he understands and accepts, rather than fears.

Reply
  • What you’re seeing is very understandable. It sounds like your son isn’t distressed by who he is, but by what he thinks the diagnosis means. If he associates autism with negative stereotypes, it can feel frightening or like something has suddenly changed, even though it hasn’t. For now, it may help to step back from direct conversations if they overwhelm him, and instead reassure him gently that he is the same person he’s always been, nothing about him is “wrong,” and he doesn’t have to share this with anyone if he doesn’t want to.

    You haven’t done anything wrong by getting him assessed - you’ve given him information that can help him in the future, even if it feels difficult right now. I would keep pushing the school for support, especially given how distressed he is, and focus on keeping things calm and positive at home. Many children like your son, who are quiet and coping well on the surface, struggle more with how they’re perceived than with autism itself. With time and the right framing, this can become something he understands and accepts, rather than fears.

Children
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