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My high masking 4 year old, I'm drowning.

GLouise

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for advice around transitions with my 4 year old son, William. He’s recently been struggling a lot with leaving the house and moving from one activity to another. He struggles going to nursery on his three days and they are breaking me. This morning, as an example, I had to carry him to the car without shoes and half dressed why he thrashed and screamed and shouted. He's also a bolter when he's in these mind sets.

William is verbal and meets all his developmental milestones, so at nursery he masks a lot of his struggles and appears to be doing really well. But at home, his sensory sensitivities and regulation difficulties are obvious. He has meltdowns during transitions, can thrash or attempt to run away, and sometimes hits himself when he’s very distressed.

We try countdowns, reassurance, and he has an oral sensory tool to help him regulate, but even when he tries to use it, he can still experience full meltdowns. He also has strong sensory reactions to things like clothing, hair washing, and food textures.

Once he calms down, he’s usually fine and can tell me “I don’t know why that happened, I’ll do better next time,” which breaks my heart as a mother. 

I had a HV visit us last Monday and we have had a referral sent to paediatrics, as he's scoring high on the social forms, and his score has dropped on the development one. So she agreed that is enough to send in a referral. She was able to see him fully comfortable at home, and her son, who is also autistic was also a high masker at nursery, she she understood my struggles.  

I’d love to hear from parents of autistic or ADHD children, or AuDHD kids, who have practical strategies that help with transitions, especially mornings or leaving the house, or ways to reduce the intensity of meltdowns. I just want to help him, but I can't find any answers. 

We have tried visual calendars, count downs, and timers.

Any advice would be so appreciated Heart️

Parents

  • Hey, 
    My daughter had a lot of toruble with going to nursery and transitions (she's not diagnosed autistic like her brother, but we strongly believe she is too). 

    I don't know if it will be the same, but timers and count downs only stress her out more and make it worse (she's old enough know to explain these things now and tell us not to do them.). She started nursery in lockdown, which made it even harder as we had to hand over at the door.  She was high masking in nursery too, the staff thought she was as good as gold as she'd just sit quietly at the art table all day, and then she'd tell me all the things that had upset her afterwards. She used to enjoy the walk there though so sometimes it would be okay when out of the house. Rather than reminding of a countdowns, sometimes wanting to beat us to do something helped, especially when you make a big fuss over them 'winning' at putting shoes on (though sometimes she'd still refuse and you'd have to do it for her).  

    I was thinking what about introducing a toy to help with the going to nursery, but first off, make it a toy to play with coming home. Then if you find something they like, then start letting them play with it on the way to nursery too. Maybe a small comfort item could stay with them during the day to help nursery staff with transitions, so he gets something to hold to signal the end of one thing and hold onto when starting another. 

    My son wasn't attached to toys, but he had a little baseball cap with Thomas the Tank engine on when he started nursery, which shielded him slightly too thinking about it and he would wear till he was comfortable. 

    As for sensory stuff, try reassure him that it's okay to be upset, but show him ways to do it safely. A bit of reassurance can go a long way that it's okay and he's not bad for not liking things. Then you can work out what he prefers together -you might be able to get scentless shampoo. My daughter has a flavour free toothpaste. Maybe some clothes are itchy for him?

    I was also wondering if you have a safe place for him to bolt too, when upset (at home and nursery), obviously working towards not running, but at least if you have a safe space, you'll know where he'll go? Sometimes making a safe den together, then he might let you in when upset. My daughter prefers to hide herself when upset.

    Just some random thoughts anyway, it might not work at all or you might have tried them already, it's normally keep trying till you find something that works for your child and family. I do wish you the best though, if he can talk through it afterwards, it's really helpful to be able to work through this phase.

    Best of luck. 

Reply

  • Hey, 
    My daughter had a lot of toruble with going to nursery and transitions (she's not diagnosed autistic like her brother, but we strongly believe she is too). 

    I don't know if it will be the same, but timers and count downs only stress her out more and make it worse (she's old enough know to explain these things now and tell us not to do them.). She started nursery in lockdown, which made it even harder as we had to hand over at the door.  She was high masking in nursery too, the staff thought she was as good as gold as she'd just sit quietly at the art table all day, and then she'd tell me all the things that had upset her afterwards. She used to enjoy the walk there though so sometimes it would be okay when out of the house. Rather than reminding of a countdowns, sometimes wanting to beat us to do something helped, especially when you make a big fuss over them 'winning' at putting shoes on (though sometimes she'd still refuse and you'd have to do it for her).  

    I was thinking what about introducing a toy to help with the going to nursery, but first off, make it a toy to play with coming home. Then if you find something they like, then start letting them play with it on the way to nursery too. Maybe a small comfort item could stay with them during the day to help nursery staff with transitions, so he gets something to hold to signal the end of one thing and hold onto when starting another. 

    My son wasn't attached to toys, but he had a little baseball cap with Thomas the Tank engine on when he started nursery, which shielded him slightly too thinking about it and he would wear till he was comfortable. 

    As for sensory stuff, try reassure him that it's okay to be upset, but show him ways to do it safely. A bit of reassurance can go a long way that it's okay and he's not bad for not liking things. Then you can work out what he prefers together -you might be able to get scentless shampoo. My daughter has a flavour free toothpaste. Maybe some clothes are itchy for him?

    I was also wondering if you have a safe place for him to bolt too, when upset (at home and nursery), obviously working towards not running, but at least if you have a safe space, you'll know where he'll go? Sometimes making a safe den together, then he might let you in when upset. My daughter prefers to hide herself when upset.

    Just some random thoughts anyway, it might not work at all or you might have tried them already, it's normally keep trying till you find something that works for your child and family. I do wish you the best though, if he can talk through it afterwards, it's really helpful to be able to work through this phase.

    Best of luck. 

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