wits end :/

Hi all!

I'm a total newbie here but I really feel the need to vent. I don't know what else to do :(

I am a lucky mummy to 2 children aged 6.5 and almost 4. The youngest, my son, is being assessed for ASD. He is a total nightmare. I don't even feel bad for saying that anymore. I've had enough of his behaviours and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Although I appreciate he can't help or control a lot of it.

He's had to leave one nursery setting for his naughty and disruptive behaviour and is due to start a new one next week...A change that I'm sure will be awful for him :( he's still in nappies, he eats or destroys everything. Bites, kicks and smacks anyone and everyone. None of the grandparents, friends or family members will look after him. Although happily offer to look after his sister. Which is heartbreaking. 

I have no friends...They all became ridiculously 'busy' as soon as play dates weren't going well and the problems began to show. I have a supportive husband but he doesn't seem to understand that the behaviour Isn't always on purpose and just wants to discipline everything. On the other hand he can't be seen to be getting away with 'playing up' all of the time as we have another child to consider. 

Our daughter, as we get towards the end of the summer hols has started attention seeking. She is purposely behaving in a way she knows she shouldn't...any attention is good in her eyes, even if she's getting told off. He takes up so much of my time and she's suffering :(

Tonight he pulled down his curtains, pulled the rail off the wall (fixings and all)...yesterday he ate a bin liner...The day before half a toy dinosaur. Leaving the house is a nightmare, staying in is a nightmare. I genuinely don't know how much more I can take :'(

Thank you if you're still reading!! I just needed to offload...

  • Where as a parent uses power (to hit, to raise the voice, to deny access to treats or freedoms, to assign lauditory or castigateing commentry to behaviour) as the basis of authority in conflict resolution they teach their child to use methods born of physicality in conflict with others such as striking (people and things), shouting, snatching and name calling.

    Whereas a parent abandons the conventional trappings of authority and attempts to teach self-control and conflict resolution with reason and discussion then the child may learn from that good example. 

    All of the above applies equally to teachers.

    Also try seperating your social life from your son's. You need friends for you and you can't afford to resent you son for loseing them. Try meeting socially without children to maintain these relationships. 

  • Hi Purplesocks and welcome, My heart goes out to you.

      In some instances i'd have to disagree with socks, mainly in so far as I have four children, two of whom have ASD and without displine and structure I'd have pulled my hair out years ago. Consistancy and Patience however, are key, and trust me you are going to need shed loads. Not all is grin though so bare with me whislt I make a few suggestions if that's ok.

    I can completely appreciate how your daughter must feel as the same thing happened to me in my youth. My Brother arrived with ASD, ADHD and Severe Dyslexia and my my Mum couldn't cope. Sadly, I was abandoned to relatives and it took me many years to come to terms with this. The truth is, that now I'm an adult myself, (also diagnosed with ASD) and have a child with behavioral issues, I completely understand why she was no longer able to cope. Even with my exemplary behaviour.

    One of my boys is introvert and much like I was as a child, the other is extrovert and extremely difficult to manage, mainly due to fear and anxiety.

    From what you say it sounds as though your son has sensory issues. The chewing issue is common and my son also had/has it although he's calmed a little since he was young.(He now grinds constantly instead.) Chew toys for sensory issues are available and would probably be preferable to him chewing the house. (For my son it was Video boxes, remotes etc.) The link below is in America, but I believe you can get them here also at other outlets. Have a quick search on the NET.

    Chew toys premote calm, so it's worth giving it a go.

    Although I know some of his behavior is hard to manage, it's likely born from a combination of frustration, impulse issues and perhaps even fear & anxiety.

    The toileting issues are also common and you should be able to get advice/support from your health visitor on how best to support him through this. Ask your health visitor to work from the premice that he already has a diagnosis of ASD, as delay in training of NT children is approached differently than with children on the spectrum. That way you can make progress in this area even whilst you are going through assessment. (Which could be lengthy.) Again these difficulties are often due to sensory issues. Two links below you may find helpful.

    www.autism.org.uk/.../Toilet-training.aspx

    raisingchildren.net.au/.../autism_spectrum_disorder_toilet_training.html

    For a Mum with a child with such extreame behaviour, patience and trial and error will pay off. Please believe me. It won't completely eliminate his outbursts, but it will make life more manageble for you and the rest of the family.

    In thinking about your Son and his behaviour you are going to need to take a step back. Often when confronted with the kind of meltdowns you are witnessing, it's easy to become immersed in the moment. Step back, look at his behaviour in that moment and see if you can identify what triggered it. If possible remove the trigger, but replace it with something more soothing.

    When dealing with a child on the spectrum who is Sensory hightened, it's likely that overload is very easily reached. In such environments like nursery the noise level is likely to be too much. Smaller groups where the acoustics are not echoy, would be better. In some situations people automatically assume that noise needs to be eliminated. Indeed that maybe the case on occassion, but more often than not, replacing one stimulus with another, may be enough to drown out the overload. For example, calming music or something visual to look at. 

    When observing him, 'think senses.' Use sensory input to help you. You can obtain sensory Doh for him to use at bed time for example. The doh contains lavender and he can squeeze it to reduce anxiety and help with sleep. 9It dosen't make a mess of the bed clothes incidentally.) Use essential oils, like a drop of lavender on a tissue near his bed. (Out of reach mind. But close enough for him to smell.) If he's having a really bad night. Take off your t-shirt (The smellier the better.) and lay it near his face. Your scent may calm him also.

    http://www.mohdoh.co.uk/

    If night times are a problem, remove all electronic gadgets from the room. Anything with and LED basically, as it stimulates the brainwaves.

    Some parents have also had some sucess with weighted blankets at bed-time and during meltdown episodes. These can be expensive so experiment at home with layers before investing good money for something that might not work.

    In dealing with the hitting and biting it can be very difficult.

    I know of one child who was an avid biter until a child turned around and bit him back. He exclaimed that 'he didn't like been bitten, as it hurt' and the child said well don't do it to me then. From that moment on, he only chewed inanimate objects, not people. This is also the case of a child who would spit constantly. Whilst I'm not suggesting that you should hit, bite or spit at your child, it does highlight the likelyhood that your son does not fully appreciate how much discomfort or pain he is causing others. During these episodes it might be good if you held him very tightly so he cannot harm another and explained to him in a low voice that he is hurting others and that this is unacceptable. The likelyhood is, that if he carries on with that behaviour and isn't stopped, he will continue to do it or at worst, may get hit back by another child.

    In recent months I came accross this video of a lady with ASD who is speacking with teachers at a conference about helping children with ASD. You may find it a helpful insight into your sons world. It's lengthy, but worth watching.

    www.youtube.com/watch

    Try to use structure to restore a little balance in the household. Don't be afraid to use disapline and structure, but do use reward for good behaviour also. Star charts for even little achievements (EG. Sitting at the table calmly.) can and do, work wonders.

    I think once things have calmed, you will find time for both your children, much easier. It's taken me years of trial and error, but at least it's more managable for us now. Their is no one answer, just what works for you and your family.

    Sorry for the length of my reply and I hope some of the info is helpful. Please feel free to ask, if I can be of any further assisstance.

    Regards

    Coogybear

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    you are not alone, there are lots of people on the forum with experience from various sides of your problems.

    At the root of dealing with him is to have an understanding of the world from his point of view. You need to get your husband on your side and he has to understand that discipline(if that means punishment and reward) does not work with autistic kids. You have to be unreasonably calm, patient and consistent.

    play dates may well seem scary and alien to him so i would suggest not doing too much of this.

    Have you looked at the local groups that NAS helps organises? These can provide you with some friends who are in the same boat. They will give you support and introduce you to all of the things that can be done for you and your son.