Kids and chores

I am curious if other parents with kids on the spectrum have as much difficulty as I do 'making' their children do chores?   I have put 'making' in quotes because to be honest, their is no 'making' .. there is only the getting them to agree that it would helpful for them to be helpful at this particular time and place ...

And I guess I just more or less answered my own question because it seems to me, their is no 'making' because attempts to reason, or yell at them (my frustration) don't work - they tend to meltdown if I do that.   They will be very helpful if they are in the mood to be helpful which doesn't actually happen all that often for my son  (almost 16) (once a month and when he does he is outstanding but he has all kinds of other issues like he can only be around other people for about 3-4 hours before he shuts down).

This leaves my poor oldest daughter (age 17) as the main 'slave' because at the moment she is the only one who will do anything ... she doesn't like it though and if I ask too much she will also melt.  And timescales ... unless I give a good reason that she agrees with that it needs to be done 'NOW', she will put it off and go back into her own little world and forget even if I remind her 3 or 4 times a day for 3 days (3 days is about the average length of time it takes for her to do something if it isn't urgent).

NT daughter (age 12) with sensory issues generally times a temper tantrum or angst the moment she is asked to do anything and thus wiggles out of it ...

This is a bit of a rant.   I know I must not be the only one.   During school term time, I don't even begin to ask as everyone is so stressed and overloaded from school Frown

I hate housework myself.  If I had known it would be my main job (besides working full-time and running the house including all the finances and making sure people ate properly ...).  ARRRRRRGGGG ....

Too much.  And the worst thing is ... they aren't getting the skills they will need in the future when I'm gone ...

Anyone else?

Dor

Parents
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    OK, more seriously, and coming from the point of view of a parent who is on the spectrum who has brought up 2 moderately NT boys with varying degrees of success...

    You rightly say that you can't make them do things by shouting or reasoning with them. I think you may be able to get them to reason with themselves by leading down a path and leaving enough clues about things so that they work things out for themselves. If they end up without clean clothes beause you have resigned from your position as their slave then they will work out how to put the washing machine on and then they will work out how to dry things. Part of the problem here is that you are making yourself into their slave and continuing to tolerate their laziness.

    With our eldeest we ended up at loggerheads, I got so exasperated that I went to thump him. This was a stupid mistake - he is bigger than me! But I was so angry that he actually left home, fended for himself, realised that he had been using our house as a hotel and after a few years of living in rented rooms and working on bin lorries etc he worked out what his home had been providing all those years. He is now extremely reasonable, self sufficient, hard working and has gone back to college as he can see how grim life can be in the real world.

    Our youngest was much easier, stayed in the groove of education, went to uni, came home in holidays, shared flats with mates etc etc and is working things out for himself. Now that I have a diagnosis, he has become more understanding and less argumentative and we are in severe danger of living happily ever after!

Reply
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    OK, more seriously, and coming from the point of view of a parent who is on the spectrum who has brought up 2 moderately NT boys with varying degrees of success...

    You rightly say that you can't make them do things by shouting or reasoning with them. I think you may be able to get them to reason with themselves by leading down a path and leaving enough clues about things so that they work things out for themselves. If they end up without clean clothes beause you have resigned from your position as their slave then they will work out how to put the washing machine on and then they will work out how to dry things. Part of the problem here is that you are making yourself into their slave and continuing to tolerate their laziness.

    With our eldeest we ended up at loggerheads, I got so exasperated that I went to thump him. This was a stupid mistake - he is bigger than me! But I was so angry that he actually left home, fended for himself, realised that he had been using our house as a hotel and after a few years of living in rented rooms and working on bin lorries etc he worked out what his home had been providing all those years. He is now extremely reasonable, self sufficient, hard working and has gone back to college as he can see how grim life can be in the real world.

    Our youngest was much easier, stayed in the groove of education, went to uni, came home in holidays, shared flats with mates etc etc and is working things out for himself. Now that I have a diagnosis, he has become more understanding and less argumentative and we are in severe danger of living happily ever after!

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