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Anxiety - adult

Gilloff1

Hi

I have a 40 year old son who suffers from extreme anxiety. In the last 12 months, he has split from a very supportive partner, became homeless and tried to take his own life. He is now in a flat, money is very tight and now he faces a review of his PIP, so again he is severely anxious and overwhelmed. He is autistic, has ADHD and PTSD.

We have tried him living with me and his step father but it didn’t work for any of us. For the last 12 months we have supported him 24/7. My concerns are that we are not getting any younger, the strain on our own mental health is very negative; I struggle to sleep due to worrying about him, but my biggest concern is - who will support him when I am gone? 

He has an important job with the NHS, for only about 14 hours a week - this gets him out of bed and he is very capable most of the time at work, but anything outside of that he can’t seem to cope with from a relationship breakdown right down to simple admin and all things in between. Therapy over the years has not made any significant impact 

is there anyone we can go to for advice please. I worry that I have provided too much support, when I should have somehow made him stand on his own two feet. It’s hard though when you get those phone calls in the middle of the night when he can’t cope. 

Any advice would be appreciated. I’m hoping I’ll be around to support him for many years to come, but I’m not immortal, 

Parents

  • Hi  

    Advice here is tricky as naturally this is not the place where respondents can give formal psychological or therapy advice and I think that is for the best.

    Firstly really well done for summating and presenting the facts.

    I think acknowledging the emotional context of this situation is really important next - I reckon the way that you write your post indicates I can give you my take on this without risk of harm so:

    I have worked in a "service model" for many years.  Doing stuff for others - a lot of the time because the available time i was given meant that to get the job done I had to do most of the heavy lifting it seems.  It has really taken it's toll because ultimately one just runs out of beans if that makes sense.

    Recently i have got around to seeing the "organising model" I've had enough time away from the grindstone to get a bit better perspective...

    Anyway the transition from service model to organising model in parenting is naturally really complex and nowhere near as simple as what I am about to put forward next.   I'm autistic and diagnosed ADHD so stand on the intersection of capability/incapability so many times during the course of a day myself.  I also have neurodivergent children.

    Anyway, maybe have a go at thinking about it like this:

    (My apologies if this is all like telling you about something you already know and have experience of!)

    Here is how I use the transition from a Service Model to an Organizing Model to foster independence for my children.

    1. The Service Model: The "Concierge" Parent

    In this model, the parent acts as a personal assistant or a 24/7 problem-solver.

    • The Action: If the child forgets their lunch, the parent drives it to school. If the child is bored, the parent entertains them. If the child has a conflict with a friend, the parent calls the other parent.

    • The Message: "You are vulnerable, and I am the only one who can fix your world."

    • The Result: The child becomes a passive consumer of your help. They don't learn how to solve problems because they’ve never had to. This often leads to "learned helplessness."

    2. The Organizing Model: The "Coach" Parent

    In this model, the parent acts as a mentor who provides the "tools" but lets the child do the "work."

    • The Action: Instead of fixing the problem for them, the parent asks, "What’s our plan for this?" or "What do you think the first step is?" You stand beside them, not in front of them.

    • The Message: "You are capable, and I am here to help you build the skills to handle this."

    • The Result: The child becomes an active participant in their own life. They build "competence muscles." Even if they fail, they are learning the process of trying, which creates true resilience.

    Naturally this all needs tailoring to individuals and circumstances and I found it is hard work - to start with anyway...

    Best to start with "small wins" and as confidence and capability increase take on bigger challenges.

    AND CRITICALLY I HAVE TO SAY IS BEST DONE WITH PROFESSIONAL AND SKILLED SUPPORT

    In practice I am fortunate that my children (and myself) have got lots of support from other arenas too (when I eventually realised it...)

    The hardest thing I found in coming to terms with my neurodivergency was acknowledging my vulnerability (not easy when all one's strength is used up in maintaining a facade of capability... ) and seeking out support to get independent and engaging with it.  If that makes sense?

    This approach is working out well for me and my kids (touch wood!)

    Best wishes

  • in reply to Phased

    PS my children grown up too when I made the big switch in models.. :-)

    Also one can slide from one to the other as necessary - just remember the goal is the other person becoming independant and you become redundant in many things so that other areas of interaction and support may be made and then when noot there you are still there with them - if that makes sense?

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  • in reply to Phased

    PS my children grown up too when I made the big switch in models.. :-)

    Also one can slide from one to the other as necessary - just remember the goal is the other person becoming independant and you become redundant in many things so that other areas of interaction and support may be made and then when noot there you are still there with them - if that makes sense?

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