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Helping my 12 year old to understand accountability

LJFM

Hi, 

I'm struggling to navigate some behaviours that I find quite troubling. My 12 year old (diagnosed at age 10) cannot seem to understand that sometimes she does things that are wrong/bad/unhelpful because she always has a reason for her behaviour. 

As an example, this evening she got into a fight with her big sister because her sister had some sweets that she wasn't eating. 12 year old asked if she could have the sweets, big sister said no. 12 year old took the sweets anyway and then big sister manhandled her to get the sweets back off her. 

12 year old has been telling me that I'm scapegoating her because what her sister did (manhandling her) was worse and big sister wasn't even eating the sweets anyway. 

I tried to explain that they both behaved inappropriately, I spoke to her sister separately about not laying hands on her sister even if she stole from her. 

12 year old cannot fathom that taking the sweets wasn't the right way to behave. 

This is just one example. 

Any time 12 year old behaves inappropriately she always blames it on someone else and I don't know how to explain to her that sometimes you've just got to accept that you made the wrong decision. 

I tried to explain it but she was just getting angry with me and then said I was scapegoating her. 

Pls help! 

Ps I'm autistic myself but I don't know the answer here - my husband says I have the opposite problem where I usually assume I'm in the wrong. 

  • Hey, not sure if it will help any as my kids are a bit younger, and it's more the younger one than the older one.

    I try to either explain in black and white thinking terms -stealing is wrong and against the law, if you took something from a shop you could get arrested.

    Or

    Relate it back to the child - so how would she feel if her sister took something of hers as she wasn't using it at the time. Explaining the same rules are for everyone shows the rule of no stealing protects her things too. Or she thinks it's okay to take things from her sister, would it be okay if a stranger came in and took them using the same reason? Why is that not okay? 

    I might give other examples too so then it relates to them but then branches it out for further discussion if I feel it might help (depends on their calmness levels if it is getting through).

    Being consistent and calm helps (and tag team with your partner if you can -two people telling her off at once can be too much, but tag out if you need a breather from being shouted at.). 

    Sorry if it's not helpful, I'm just using the example given, but it's kind of the approach I take, and if all else fails and I need to ban some screen time to show consequence, I will do and suffer the meltdown, as it's good to have boundaries. Then when they are calm I'll try explain again, though depends on the thing if it's worth it or not.

  • Hi. LJFM. Welcome to the eCommunity. What you have written is a very difficult issue for us autists, I think. Have you any post-diagnosis support from your provider to help your daughter?

    I think a lot of us autists venomously believe we are always right. Until, we get so worn down... that eventually... all we believe is that we are always wrong.

    12 is such a difficult age for us autistic girls/women. Puberty. Developing into adulthood. Pushing boundries. I try really hard to remember what it was like, when my 17 year old is behaving in a way that hurts.

    I don't think that there is an easy answer, alas. Maybe the first place to start is to ask how your daughter views her behaviour. The second thing which has been helpful for me, is to try to hold onto that sometimes it can't be me that does the parenting. Sometimes I have to step back because the mother-daughter relationship makes it impossible for me to do any good. So what can your husband do - with the different dynamics in their relationship?

    Best of wishes to you.