Hi,
TLDR - looking for advice /resources - my 6 year old feels the need to have an adult around all the time, including toilet, bedtime and sendco suggested looking here to see if we are supporting him in the best way or if there are other techniques that we might benefit from. Is he too attached?
Long version:
My son will soon be moving from infant school to junior school. The paediatrician assessed him over a year ago and would have been happy to diagnose him, providing the school evidence agreed, which it didn't, so we are on the long waiting list for a full assessment.
I spoke to the sendco of the junior school and they recommended looking at the national autistic society for information on whether the way we are parenting in relation to his attachment is beneficial or if other things might help.
Things I mentioned before this was suggested: we aim for gentle (but not permissive) parenting, reasonably child led. We still bedshare, at his request (he has a room and a bed that doesn't get used to sleep in), with a side car cot bed to add extra space. He still has a breastfeed last thing at night (I know some will disagree with this but my theory is that natural term weaning is between 3 and 7 years and he is still in that bracket). He has a late bed time, 9/930, we have tried earlier and it's just an hour or 2 of all of us getting grumpy, fighting, getting upset, etc, whereas a later bed time suits him fine, he reads a book/gets read to, has milk then a cuddle and is asleep in 5 mins with little/no struggle. He does struggle to get up when we have to get up early, but within 5mins he's absolutely fine (naturally he would sleep till 9ish). He can be clingy, especially around transitions, e.g. his birthday party at a trampoline park, I had to hold him and he needed to chew by hoodie strings for the 15min meet and greet before he could talk to his friends and go play. He can put on a baby voice and act/cry/play like a baby.
People say he is fine when he goes places and we are not there (although he may need to be pried off my leg first).
He can't/won't go to the bathroom on his own (he's ok at school), he needs someone to be close by, I've been working on standing in the hall but still talking to him so he knows I'm there so I'm not actually in the room.
I try and support him as much as I can. I see these things as him displaying he needs help and support. I hold my boundaries once established though. If he needs a cuddle/chew my hoodie strings and that doesn't impact me at the time, he can do it. Sometimes he would like to chew my fingers, but I don't allow that. If he says/does stuff to delay the inevitable, eg he needs water, his leg hurts, he needs his book, before going to bed/leaving the house, I feel it's much more supportive (and probably quicker and less stressful) to get him the water, rub his leg better, grab his book straight off rather than ignoring him, telling him his leg is fine and get on with it, starting a discussion, etc.
I was happy with this approach until today, and I'm now doubting everything, assuming I'm doing it all wrong and I've been told to look here so I HAVE to look here...
Sorry for the long rant, but can anyone point me in the right direction for how to support a child who is (?too) attached to a parent(s). Or (as I was assuming before) this is a skill he will learn in his own time and we are doing absolutely fine and supporting him this way is the best thing to do.
If you got this far, and even if you didn't, thank you.