Parentistic

It must be something about a Friday night, I was sitting failing to read a book a really want to read (I think I am having a falling out with the author), and started worrying about my kids and highschool. 

My son will start highschool next August, and was diagnosed last December. He struggled with friendships but in the last few years due to it being a small rural school and his interest being gaming, he's been part of the group more. But after the summer, there is only one other boy moving up (it's a mixed year class), and now I know he and I are autistic, it is very obvious in him. (We both being recent to diagnosis).

High school was awful for me, and I've always been terrified of my kids being bullied too. At their small school, that thankfully hasn't been too bad -they've struggled to connect with others, and my daughter is really struggling in the playground, but they at least don't have the bullying, just the being different and not fitting in well.

Other 'different' male kids who have gone to the local highschool have been physically attacked, sometimes on their first day. Trying to not pass fears on but simultaneously thinking of home educating if it doesn't work out. (Not helped by their teacher telling everyone about what had happened to that boy).

Just being there as a presence can be a comfort for kids.

And I just wanted to add you have an entertaining writing style, so don't worry about the meandering thoughts, I did better with it then the book I was trying to read.

Thank you for your reply, Cinnabar_wing. (Any relation to Lorna? I apologise for the obscurity of my small talk.) And thank you for referring to my writing style in what I take to be a positive way. Often when I write openly on discussion boards/fora, my paranoia kicks in as soon as I post, and I expect to be excommunicated or, in the neologistic mimicry of post-modernity, 'cancelled'. So I try not to be contentious, but took my chances on a community board for autistics in just trying to be more authentically me when writing. So far no censorious wrist slap, which is good all round, I'll posit.

I hope you can either find a way of persevering with the author, or have the courage to ditch them. I managed The Bible (the 'unauthorised version') every day last year and perseverance pays off for the sake of achievement, but a 'DNF' ('did not finish', as I think either me or my ex-wife coined) can also be satisfying when the author is just, well, bad.

Anyway, beyond digression...

I appreciate you sharing your own parental fears, justifiably so by the sound of it, partly as a consequence of personal experience and partly due to the worrying logic that a dreadful school experience does tend to be fairly consistent with the autistic experience. Certainly a way of understanding the astronomical depths of masking/camouflaging that need to be expended merely to avoid being seen as the person that you actually are, but simultaneously have every reason to fear being the person that you cannot reveal. At least, something depressing like this has been my 'seared-in-the-brain' takeaway from educational institutionalising (I wasn't a border, but the oppressiveness of day-in-day out 'acting' often felt like some kind of unending 'hazing' that never served any purpose).

It's unclear whether either my son, or daughter, will receive their diagnosis anytime soon, but more than likely their experience at high/secondary school will make such a diagnosis more likely. Knowing that their mum is autistic and that their dad (yours truly) has been told umpteen times that he presents as an autistic, even though he isn't (to date) 'officially' so, should hopefully make the diagnostic process more genetically relatable, in line with the current understanding of who is more likely to be autistic. 

My son is showing the signs of seeking sanctuary within his own virtual world (Minecraft seems to really speak to him) and my daughter's fixation on cats is getting to the point where some kind of intervention into residual fears will hopefully help her see things in less black and white terms. I was (mis?)-,diagnosed with borderline personality disorder whilst spending time in hospital over a year ago, and so my worry is compounded by how my own lifelong struggle with emotional dysregulation could reveal itself to be an awkward part of my own children's experience. 

I have found that learning more about how my own mind works can 'feel' more real as I observe and kind of reminisce about my own childhood-adolescent experience as I remain a presence in my children's lives. I tell myself that I'm doing the right thing by being present in their lives, despite the marital separation which seems to be statistically 'normal' anyway. But especially if autism is something that 'unites' us as a family, I'm hopeful that our shared experiences can give us strength, each one of us. 

mr.chip is rounding this off now, evidently in the third person for no reason. My attention was diverted so far through writing, which has cumulatively taken a couple of hours. 'And so to bed', in the words of a famous diarist with a penchant for Parmesan cheese. I'm hoping to attend a creative writing course tomorrow and make things like this more regular. Also helpful as 'scaffolding' to buttress my mental health anxieties when it's my turn to return to whatever employment placement I'm destined to attempt next, with some kind of support perhaps in preparation. I was kicked off a teacher training course before going into hospital due to the stress, told that I am due 'reasonable adjustments' by medical opinion but refused this by the educational establishment, so I've got my own personal experience of the very real barriers that autistic people face when trying to secure employment, especially fitting/suitable employment.

It has been nice to write back virtually.

Thank you for your reply, Cinnabar_wing. (Any relation to Lorna? I apologise for the obscurity of my small talk.) And thank you for referring to my writing style in what I take to be a positive way. Often when I write openly on discussion boards/fora, my paranoia kicks in as soon as I post, and I expect to be excommunicated or, in the neologistic mimicry of post-modernity, 'cancelled'. So I try not to be contentious, but took my chances on a community board for autistics in just trying to be more authentically me when writing. So far no censorious wrist slap, which is good all round, I'll posit.

I hope you can either find a way of persevering with the author, or have the courage to ditch them. I managed The Bible (the 'unauthorised version') every day last year and perseverance pays off for the sake of achievement, but a 'DNF' ('did not finish', as I think either me or my ex-wife coined) can also be satisfying when the author is just, well, bad.

Anyway, beyond digression...

I appreciate you sharing your own parental fears, justifiably so by the sound of it, partly as a consequence of personal experience and partly due to the worrying logic that a dreadful school experience does tend to be fairly consistent with the autistic experience. Certainly a way of understanding the astronomical depths of masking/camouflaging that need to be expended merely to avoid being seen as the person that you actually are, but simultaneously have every reason to fear being the person that you cannot reveal. At least, something depressing like this has been my 'seared-in-the-brain' takeaway from educational institutionalising (I wasn't a border, but the oppressiveness of day-in-day out 'acting' often felt like some kind of unending 'hazing' that never served any purpose).

It's unclear whether either my son, or daughter, will receive their diagnosis anytime soon, but more than likely their experience at high/secondary school will make such a diagnosis more likely. Knowing that their mum is autistic and that their dad (yours truly) has been told umpteen times that he presents as an autistic, even though he isn't (to date) 'officially' so, should hopefully make the diagnostic process more genetically relatable, in line with the current understanding of who is more likely to be autistic. 

My son is showing the signs of seeking sanctuary within his own virtual world (Minecraft seems to really speak to him) and my daughter's fixation on cats is getting to the point where some kind of intervention into residual fears will hopefully help her see things in less black and white terms. I was (mis?)-,diagnosed with borderline personality disorder whilst spending time in hospital over a year ago, and so my worry is compounded by how my own lifelong struggle with emotional dysregulation could reveal itself to be an awkward part of my own children's experience. 

I have found that learning more about how my own mind works can 'feel' more real as I observe and kind of reminisce about my own childhood-adolescent experience as I remain a presence in my children's lives. I tell myself that I'm doing the right thing by being present in their lives, despite the marital separation which seems to be statistically 'normal' anyway. But especially if autism is something that 'unites' us as a family, I'm hopeful that our shared experiences can give us strength, each one of us. 

mr.chip is rounding this off now, evidently in the third person for no reason. My attention was diverted so far through writing, which has cumulatively taken a couple of hours. 'And so to bed', in the words of a famous diarist with a penchant for Parmesan cheese. I'm hoping to attend a creative writing course tomorrow and make things like this more regular. Also helpful as 'scaffolding' to buttress my mental health anxieties when it's my turn to return to whatever employment placement I'm destined to attempt next, with some kind of support perhaps in preparation. I was kicked off a teacher training course before going into hospital due to the stress, told that I am due 'reasonable adjustments' by medical opinion but refused this by the educational establishment, so I've got my own personal experience of the very real barriers that autistic people face when trying to secure employment, especially fitting/suitable employment.

It has been nice to write back virtually.