10 year old daughter and friendships

Hi, I am sorry your daughter is having a hard time. I’m autistic and I had no friends at all in secondary school and also barely any before then and it wasn’t easy. I’m not sure if this helps but I can share some of the things I wish I had known when I was at school and couldn’t connect with others. I didn’t know I was autistic at the time but I could sense from an early age on that there was something different about me. When very young, my mum made me feel that being different was a good thing and something to be proud of but as I got older it became harder and harder. I felt guilty at times that I wasn’t trying hard enough to make friends. When I went to uni, I realised that I probably couldn’t have made friends with anyone at school as there just hadn’t been any likeminded people- I realised that making friends with ‘the right’ people can actually be very easy and happen naturally. This doesn’t exactly make things easier as it can be hard to come across people with whom making friends feels easy but it does help to know that it is possible. I only realised this at university but if I’d known sooner it could have saved me a lot of self-blame. In terms of your daughter, maybe it’s an idea to look beyond school for making friends if that hasn’t worked out so far? Does she have any hobbies or interests through which she might be able to meet or connect with people? Or do you maybe have some friends that have children of a similar age that you could arrange some play dates with? Most of my friends are actually neurodivergent. I think friendships can take many forms and they don’t have to comply to social norms. In my experience trying to be friends with someone where I have to constantly mask and make a huge effort just doesn’t work in the long term- it’s very exhausting and even if it ‘works’ the other person gets to know the masked you rather than the real you and it means you have even more pressure to keep up the act. 

I think it helps to know that making friends is possible for autistic individuals and that if it’s not working at the moment it has nothing to do with not doing the right thing or not trying hard enough- those people are just not right to be your friends which is why it’s hard and not working. There are likeminded people out there, it just takes time to find them. With those people friendships happen much more easily- they might take a different form and that’s perfect. 

I’m not sure if any of this helps. 10 is still so young. I hope the other kids are not cruel at least and that there isn’t any bullying. It’s so common unfortunately. I am sure your daughter will make some friends eventually. 

Hi, I am sorry your daughter is having a hard time. I’m autistic and I had no friends at all in secondary school and also barely any before then and it wasn’t easy. I’m not sure if this helps but I can share some of the things I wish I had known when I was at school and couldn’t connect with others. I didn’t know I was autistic at the time but I could sense from an early age on that there was something different about me. When very young, my mum made me feel that being different was a good thing and something to be proud of but as I got older it became harder and harder. I felt guilty at times that I wasn’t trying hard enough to make friends. When I went to uni, I realised that I probably couldn’t have made friends with anyone at school as there just hadn’t been any likeminded people- I realised that making friends with ‘the right’ people can actually be very easy and happen naturally. This doesn’t exactly make things easier as it can be hard to come across people with whom making friends feels easy but it does help to know that it is possible. I only realised this at university but if I’d known sooner it could have saved me a lot of self-blame. In terms of your daughter, maybe it’s an idea to look beyond school for making friends if that hasn’t worked out so far? Does she have any hobbies or interests through which she might be able to meet or connect with people? Or do you maybe have some friends that have children of a similar age that you could arrange some play dates with? Most of my friends are actually neurodivergent. I think friendships can take many forms and they don’t have to comply to social norms. In my experience trying to be friends with someone where I have to constantly mask and make a huge effort just doesn’t work in the long term- it’s very exhausting and even if it ‘works’ the other person gets to know the masked you rather than the real you and it means you have even more pressure to keep up the act. 

I think it helps to know that making friends is possible for autistic individuals and that if it’s not working at the moment it has nothing to do with not doing the right thing or not trying hard enough- those people are just not right to be your friends which is why it’s hard and not working. There are likeminded people out there, it just takes time to find them. With those people friendships happen much more easily- they might take a different form and that’s perfect. 

I’m not sure if any of this helps. 10 is still so young. I hope the other kids are not cruel at least and that there isn’t any bullying. It’s so common unfortunately. I am sure your daughter will make some friends eventually.