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Social isolation and lack of support

Listener2010

Hi,

Without going on and on, I am caring for my 16 year old daughter who has suffered with an ED for 3 years. I have had to resign from work this year to ensure I am here for her as she has not helped herself to her drink or food in 3 years. We had a brief spell where she begun to in 2024 but she restricted again last year and ended up in hospital for refeeding in March this year.

She received an autism diagnosis this year but rejects it. 

She has started college and is doing well there academically (as she always does) but struggles socially and has no friends she speaks to outside of college. I am her main contact at all times. She will not engage with support at college for social support. She will not engage with therapy at camhs. It is extremely difficult to untangle what is ED behaviour and what is autism. The clinicians she works with seem to have some idea of how to approach her but it is very difficult. She will not open up to a single soul and after covid and a bad time at secondary school along with hormones she is no longer able to do any of the things she enjoyed and in fact seems to be continually denying herself things nd im not convinced she isnt experiencing awful ocd.

All this to say I am governed entirely by her needs, dropping her at college most days and meeting her for meals which she won't eat alone. This means I get only a few hours to myself in the week between taking her back and forwards and meals and snacks as well as having my son who is increasingly pushed out due to her needs. I have no family support and we do not have a network of friends (we had our children in ours 20s and our friends are having theirs now and unavailable with babies and small families and jobs). I feel so alone and helpless and at the minute cant imagine a time when she will be able to be without me. It feels as though i am solely responsible for keeping her alive with no help from services beacsue we are 'aware and attuned parents' apparently. I have lost connections and do not fit into any criteria that qualifies for support. My husband has taken a new job to cover my lost wages but it means he works away so I am even more isolated. How are people surviving and making connections? I long for a network of people, not just for me but for my teenagers too!

Parents

  • There are the supporters then  hehe told you there would be!

    Levity aside (hope that was OK to do so!).

    I am glad to learn that you have self-referred for parent to parent support.

    Also good that you acknowledge your own stressors.

    Speaking to you as a therapist and also in the context of hereditary conditions I am absolutely sure that you are very aware of how people mirror experiences and behaviours too.

    I regret that in saying this it reminds me of how much stressors I experienced in childhood impacted my behaviour and also how those I demonstrated in adulthood impacted my children - and they still do.

    So, I guess you know that how you are feeling is impacting others around you too.

    Persuasive to think that what is the highest priority is help for your daughter. 

    As you said you are the primary support network for your daughter and that is putting you under a lot of stress.

    You have also made it clear that complex family dynamics have meant that the sort of support that humans have relied on for ever has been shall we say tricky for you?  Speaking personally my father suffered from mental illness throughout my childhood (my guess would be called PTSD and autism these days...  ) My wife also having very complex relationships with parents who died before our youngest 2 were born...

    Luckily we had a maternal cousin who was a "grandparent" to our children and a "big sister" to my wife - symbolically as well as practically this was very important.

    I have worked for over 25 years as a therapist and ignored my own mental health and well being for most of that time.  Now I am it's really tough to make headway.  Please don't let that be you too.

    I hope that this community continues to help you.

    I hope also that you are able find support and the equivalent of my wife's cousin or similar in your closer community too,

    Healers need healing too.

    Best Wishes

  • in reply to Phased

    re-reading that I wrote above it comes across as pompous and goodness knows what  sorry! anyway following recent posts I totally get that it's not possible to wear 2 metaphorical hats at once and the supporting mum hat is absolutely the best!

Reply Children
  • in reply to Listener2010

    Thanks for the reassurance  

    Yep that job title and what it means to oneself to be "such and such"...  In context I reflect on why I became a therapist and want to help other people so much.  Seeking respect and acceptance after being "othered" for so long is in the list of answers - hehe as well as being a good person I hope!

    You're not alone :-)

    Do something nice for yourself for me please (oh god that might sound kinky)  _ I mean have a nice hot bath or read your favourite book or whatever...

    You've done a load of good work with this thread :-)

  • in reply to Phased

    I did not read it as pompous Phased, I resonated and heard what you were describing and it was the reason I trained as a therapist after working in environments were i was very unboundaried and always putting others needs first and became quite unwell. It can be so hard to recognise when our own needs addressing and is one of the reasons I have given up work and am caring for my daughter as I know I cannot emotionally, or practically, do both. But this is hard on my sense of self and self worth, especially when it is an isolating experience so I am grateful to have found this forum!

    It is a tough balance to focus on my daughter and ensure I have what I need too to keep me healthy and happy.