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Clashing with my 19 year old

Anxiousrazz

Hi im new to this so please bare with me, My son has autism as well as other things and i often do things that cause him to be annoyed with me (i never do these things with any intentions of annoying him) and I then get anxious myself because I've annoyed him and try and fix things quickly which causes things to get worse and I struggle with trying to explain myself to him without making him more angry as the way im trying to explain things is confusing often because of how anxious and upset I get from causing problems. Any advice appreciated 

Parents

  • Hi ,

    I am a parent to a 19 year old autistic daughter and I can relate to your situation as there are times me and wife do things that annoy our daughter and which are not intentional.

    Various things cause it, her being overwhelmed by a sound, her being interrupted especially when she is doing her getting ready routine, it's not always easy to know.

    We've found the following make some difference to how she reacts:

    * How much sleep she has had. If she is tired then these things can get annoying to her more quickly.

    * If she is hungry she can be hungry/angry 'hangry' and that can also make her annoyed more quickly.

    * if she is feeling happy about a particular situation or it's not going the way she wants. (we may not be aware what the situation is)

    * if she is wearing her loops to reduce/block the sounds.

    We try various things to make it easier for us all:

    * If we wish to go into the bathroom and she is in there sometimes we wait until she moves to somewhere else and then we go in. Sometimes saying 'sorry to interrupt, I just need to go in for 5 minutes' also works and then on the way out 'thank you'.

    * Or 'I'm just going to go past you and I'll be coming straight back and then I'll not be going past again' can help especially when she is getting ready at the bottom of the stairs where there is only space for 1 person at a time to be in that area.

    We definitely explained to her that we don't intend to annoy her but these things need to be done.

    Maybe try approaching your son, say that you don't intent to annoy, ask if he wants to talk about how he feels or what it is that annoys, and see if you can both find a way that you can do those things in a way that it is ok.

  • in reply to kov

    It more when I do something wrong which can be due to his ocd sometimes and then when I try talking to him I find myself going into to much detail and making a big long speech which angers him more and it can then lead to a big fall out where things are said and taken in the wrong way 

    Im now questioning if I am the problem and he would do better without me its so hard and my own mental health isn't its best 

Reply
  • in reply to kov

    It more when I do something wrong which can be due to his ocd sometimes and then when I try talking to him I find myself going into to much detail and making a big long speech which angers him more and it can then lead to a big fall out where things are said and taken in the wrong way 

    Im now questioning if I am the problem and he would do better without me its so hard and my own mental health isn't its best 

Children
  • in reply to Anxiousrazz

    I have no particular suggestions, but can relate to what you say. I too have discovered that I can give long explanations and am working on being more brief. 

    My mental health is not the best either. I try to look at the whole picture after I feel it is my fault and often find that part of the issue may be his own anxiety about something that is due to happen, or lack of sleep.

    It is not easy, but please try to see that he does need you and you are important to him. As hard as it is, try to find something to occupy your mind, even if it seems he doesn't understand why you did it.

  • in reply to Anxiousrazz

    It is hard. It is a challenge. It is emotionally draining at times. It does affect mental health.

    We are going through a challenging time right now with our daughter and her shifted times and obsession with her health. We'll get through it and thankfully there are plenty of good times mixed in with it and to come.

    We do get situations like you are experiencing. We do find at times with her a talking about it soon after can worsen the situation and lead to frustration, anger and sometimes accelerate a meltdown. Sometimes we find it's best to wait until the next day and to keep the explaination short.

    Do you feel comfortable describing one of the situations where you believe you say you are doing wrong?

    Our daughter likes to have things on the floor in front of her seat so she can see them. To her it makes it easier to choose. To us, it often gets too much and becomes a mess. When we tidy it up, still keeping some there, she can get frustrated with us. For some things like this we feel it needs to be tidied regularly, for other situations, we leave it as it is.

    Would your son react the same if another person did the same as when you say you  are doing wrong?