So, I am said step-parent and losing the will rapidly and am seeking advice.
I will try to explain accurately without too much detail if possible to maintain anonymity. I truly hope I don’t come across as the AH here because hopefully I’m doing my best not to be and forgive any improper terminology- I’m learning!
Step-parent (for a few years) to Autistic child late teens, grown up children of my own. Very much feeling what have I got into here -it’s come to a point I’ve been tearing my hair out this summer. I feel like I’m trying to “parent” a child who is past parenting, while I appreciate I was not there for early childhood and it could easily be said I wouldn’t understand I also feel I’m not part of the overall equation moving forward. My views are not asked by biological parents yet I am expected to care for this child (and would, like my own) while under our roof. I try my best to improve the child’s quality of life, and teach them the skills to grow into a more rounded adult enabling a degree of independence. I understand child will always need quite an amount of support but I feel is more capable than “allowed” atm. It’s becoming frustrating as life literally revolves around the child and I hope that doesn’t come across wrong because I know the world needs to be more accepting and I try. However, to give some context every meal and drink, is made and carried for them so they can hold their device (which is on permanently during waking hours and rarely leaves their hands) sleep is poorly regulated unless at our house- often we get it back on track (mostly naturally) ready for education only for it to be out of sync the following weekend. When the sleep is off track we are disturbed at night then are housebound while child sleeps in day. Child is barely socialised other than non-mainstream school life, no interaction with grandparents/aunts/uncles/family friends etc No other social engagement other than perhaps supermarket. Not non-verbal but uses hand signals or grunts whenever can get away with it. Parents are proud there are no meltdowns but I feel this is because everything in life has and continues to fit the child. Hygiene varies from going a week in same underwear and no shower to spending hours in the bathroom.
Before judging I now highlight my role- I encourage child to get outdoors, go for walks/exercise and try to tempt away from devices (eyes can be raw sometimes from overuse) I guide and help basic baking and have began to show how to wash-up. I try to construct simple one or two sentence conversation requiring more than yes/no responses. When we do get out of the house I encourage ordering food and prompt/help this. I’d like to start small steps to doing laundry as I think this is a basic helpful life skill but am reluctant as I don’t feel there is any point. I don’t think there is consistency and support with my efforts from the biological parents so with every 2steps forwards there’s 2 back- it’s not like we’re making any progress.
Sadly now I feel I need to just hold my hands up and, against my nature, step away from the “parenting” for the sake of my own mental health and my own kids, almost live my own life irrespective of whether stepchild is here.
Appreciate any advice especially if you have similar experience, even let me know I’m actually the AH if I can’t see it??
Pointers to helpful websites/resources etc welcome too
