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Advice dealing with hurtful comments and aggressive behaviour please

Frin1979

Hi,

  1. This is my first post, my 8 yo son has just been diagnosed.  He has recently begun using very hurtful an inappropriate language towards family and friends and not just me.  He has often wished me dead, says he hates me etc and has done for a couple of years now.  However, he has begun to say these things to other family members and it's really difficult to hear.  He will often tell his older brother to kill himself or wishes him dead.  Not only is this hurtful language directed at more people now,it is becoming more elaborate.  For example when it came to bedtime this evening he told me that he hopes the house catches fire and it burns down with us all in it whilst we sleep. 

I ignore the hurtful comments and remain calm but this is having no affect on the behaviour and he gets increasingly angry when I fail to respond emotionally.  It is usually at this point where he will lash out violently. 

Can anybody please offer any advice on dealing with this? I am concerned that if the wrong person. Hears such comments ts or he begins to use this language at school that it could have a significant negative impact on him and us as a family.  

Thank you for reading, I am so happy to be here and communicating with other parents in the same boat

Frin 

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Parents

  • Hi Frin and welcome to the community.

    You might find the advice here helpful:

    NAS - Distressed behaviour

    NAS - Anger management

    NAS - Meltdowns

    The Challenging Behaviour Foundation

    You might also like to consider seeking emotional support from other parents who are in a similar situation, via the NAS's parent-to-parent helpline:

    NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you.  I will have a read through it all.

  • in reply to Frin1979

    Hi Frin, 

    I have two sons, my youngest is 9. Both are ASD but my youngest displays behaviours similar to what you have described. He has now started targetting his language at me during meltdowns, that he hates me and that I am the cause of all of his issues. He often talks about dying or killing himself, not others as yet. I understand how distressing this is (I am currently in my bedroom crying as we have had a full day of this), and the feeling of total helplessness and not knowing what to do is just crippling. You are  not alone, happy to chat 

  • in reply to Frin1979

    I hope your meeting goes well and you get OT. Our local NHS OT dont accept referrals for this so we were refused, yet every report and other professional jas told us to seek OT.  Im beyond done. Last night and this morning we had huge meltdowns, seemingly because porridge was the wrong consistency, his brother spoke too loudly, his step dad answered a question with 'i think its too early when he wanted yes or no...so I will continue recording it for them all to continue failing us. Feeling defeated today. 

    We've gone totally no demand for now to try and just recover from burnout on both of us. School can wait. 

  • in reply to Billy26

    Thank you. We were advised by the complex behaviour worker to ignore all negative language and not respond at all. However we have now been given a resource when with me in mind refused his referral to record our responses and that he may be doing this due to our responses. I feel completely gaslighted at every turn, following all the advice im given which is so exhausting, having to monitor every word I say, the tone of voice, the breath, not use too many words, etc, and then get told again that maybe its because of my response he is doing it. But none of them will provide any direct support to him!  How did you get a referral to CBT, may I ask?

  • in reply to HereIAm

    I'm in the north east near Middlesbrough. Thank you for being so understanding.  We have a meeting at school this afternoon to go through an OT referral and to start the process of getting an EHCP.  I have considered homeschooling but really not convinced it would work for my son. 

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  • in reply to HereIAm

    I'm in the north east near Middlesbrough. Thank you for being so understanding.  We have a meeting at school this afternoon to go through an OT referral and to start the process of getting an EHCP.  I have considered homeschooling but really not convinced it would work for my son. 

Children
  • in reply to Frin1979

    I hope your meeting goes well and you get OT. Our local NHS OT dont accept referrals for this so we were refused, yet every report and other professional jas told us to seek OT.  Im beyond done. Last night and this morning we had huge meltdowns, seemingly because porridge was the wrong consistency, his brother spoke too loudly, his step dad answered a question with 'i think its too early when he wanted yes or no...so I will continue recording it for them all to continue failing us. Feeling defeated today. 

    We've gone totally no demand for now to try and just recover from burnout on both of us. School can wait.