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Advice dealing with hurtful comments and aggressive behaviour please

Frin1979

Hi,

  1. This is my first post, my 8 yo son has just been diagnosed.  He has recently begun using very hurtful an inappropriate language towards family and friends and not just me.  He has often wished me dead, says he hates me etc and has done for a couple of years now.  However, he has begun to say these things to other family members and it's really difficult to hear.  He will often tell his older brother to kill himself or wishes him dead.  Not only is this hurtful language directed at more people now,it is becoming more elaborate.  For example when it came to bedtime this evening he told me that he hopes the house catches fire and it burns down with us all in it whilst we sleep. 

I ignore the hurtful comments and remain calm but this is having no affect on the behaviour and he gets increasingly angry when I fail to respond emotionally.  It is usually at this point where he will lash out violently. 

Can anybody please offer any advice on dealing with this? I am concerned that if the wrong person. Hears such comments ts or he begins to use this language at school that it could have a significant negative impact on him and us as a family.  

Thank you for reading, I am so happy to be here and communicating with other parents in the same boat

Frin 

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Parents

  • Your son is obviously feeling unhappy and distressed to be saying these awful things. Could it be a cry for help in someways? Obviously when he says these things he gets attention from you - and as you say he gets angry when you ‘fail to react emotionally’. If I were in your position and sit down with my son and say words to the effect of: 

    ‘I’m not hear to judge you - but i want to understand why you say these things. They’re very upsetting to hear - so can you help me to understand why you say these things - because i feel you must be very unhappy to say such hurtful things to the people that really love you and care about you? Is something worrying you or upsetting you? What is this really about - and how can I help you? ‘


    Basically make it clear that he has your unconditional love, and that you just want to understand how he is struggling, and to help him deal with the difficult feelings he is struggling to manage. Create space for him to be able to express how he feels, and make it clear that you want to really be there for him, to really listen to what he wants to say, and to make it clear that your only wish is to help him, and for him to feel safe and loved. 

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