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5 hours in the bathroom

bearhugmum

My nearly 15 year old teen has spent 5 hours in the bathroom today, Just about straight from coming home from school.

Spending hours in the bathroom is not unusual for them, but this is the longest they have ever been in there. 

I have asked previously if they have any GI issues or what they are doing for hours at a time, but clearly it's not a subject they want to discuss which makes it incredibly hard to deal with. 

It's just the two of us, we have one bathroom so this toileting issue is causing problems in our household. They have their own room which is their safe space, but when suggested they could spend that time in their room, it results in melt downs. 

This evening I gave prompts around 4 times over the first 4 1/2 hours, then told them I was worried about their wellbeing and if they didn't come out of the toilet, I would need to come in to check that they were okay. This worked, and they were out of the bathroom 10 minutes later, but has resulted in a full scale meltdown and my teen not wanting me to be anywhere near them. I was also called a "freak ***". While I understand that telling them I would be coming in if they didn't come out can't have been nice, I am so conflicted if I have done the right thing or not.

For more context, my teen identifies as male, born female and has bad body image issues. I believe they may have PMDD due to the extreme behaviour during their menstrual cycle which also doesn't help things.

They have only recently started seeing a psychologist at CAMHS, abd I really don't know how to let CAMHS know that this is an ongoing issue without my teen becoming angry/upset/enraged that I have brought it up as they don't seem to see an issue with it. 

They have their phone with them, and to be honest, it seems like it has become an emotional crutch for them so any suggestions of leaving the phone outside the toilet results in screaming and shouting.

I am at my wits end, and this is just one of the issues that crops up with my teen. 

  • I may be on the wrong path here, but it’s always a possibility, could he maybe be self-harming? As someone who used to for nearly 20 years, the toilet is a kinda safe-ish space, you can lock the door, you have access to water to clean wounds etc…does he keep covered up? Obviously depends where you self-harm but arms are usually the most common place. Again, I maybe on the wrong path but it’s always a possibility and I speak from experience. 

  • My first thought is they are being selfish as during this whole time you are not able to go to the toilet! I would find my sympathy for them waning. 

  • I have twice lived in houses where there was no window in the bathroom.  If I was emotionally upset / sensory overwhelmed / frustrated or angry / dysregulated - I would sometimes take refuge there - to just sit on the floor in total darkness.

    I mention this in case it is an aspect of the environment valued rather than an activity connected with being in a bathroom.

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm sorry but I'm not sure what could help in this situation. Maybe have a look through the advice and guidance section of this website to see if there are any articles there which could help. Also maybe discuss with your family doctor the possibility of medication to stop the menstruation.

    Wishing you both well and hope things improve soon

  • It could be a case that school is too overwhelming leading to burnout, or maybe something bad is happening at school? (Like misgendering). 

    The only other thing is with the 5 hours, it could be a lot of things. Like wanting privacy. Hence not wanting to leave. Worth mentioning but I won't go into details, it could potentially be hypersexuality, and it's simply something they don't want others to know anything about. 

    If you can it's worth asking in texts/messages what the problem is, to hopefully get an answer, and bring up anything you think might be related to this situation. I could be wrong, hopefully this helps.