My wife has been recently diagnosed autistic

I think I know exactly what you are going through, I see it from the other side, but it has taken me time to figure it out.

Sorry, this is long.

I have on my diagnosis that I have remarkable self observation and adaptation, but it was hard for me to see and piece together, so I am not surprised she does not see it

I did not know about these till recently and only identified the second one today. I have found it distressing.

I don't have an easy solution though. I think it a feature of autism, i.e. a part of the communication differences intrinsic to the condition.

(For clarity, NT means neuro typical, non-autistic below.)

1. Groundhog day

Repetitive behaviours (more than just physical) and thought looping is a part of autism. There are a couple of possibilities:

a) sleep is often a challenge, I never get a good night's sleep, so you just forget stuff like anyone does when tired,

b) more likely, the issue is not really resolved in your mind so you keep returning to it. I liken this to rolling a marble up a hill, if you don't make it to the top it rolls back. You know you need to make it over there top so you start again, looking for the thing that gets you there. If this relates to decorating choices I guess it means she has not convinced about the conclusion.

I suppose the solution is to write down the conclusion, maybe get her to do it and then show her it in her own hand the next time. Or just record the discussion and play it back.

I think this is more a feature when stressed. I don't think this looping is as prevalent normally, but I don't know. From my side I don't know I am doing it and can't see it, but I realised from other people.

I think reducing stress would help. Can you take break for a few weeks? Ask her how stressed she feels. She may lie and pretend it is all fine, but tell her it ok, it is not a judgement or failure, but you want to help. Maybe go out so you can talk away from where all the action is.

She may be taking it all too seriously. Perfectionism is also an autistic thing Tell her it is not that important.

She may also know it is important and not want to let you down, so feels under pressure to get it right.

2. Putting forward both sides of an argument and trapping you.

I speak to my mum, who is nearly 80, a lot. I realised this today, as since my diagnosis a couple of months ago I have been trying to be more open. Our conversations have got longer but keep going wrong. It has been upsetting and I have been trying to figure why, as I thought it might help me understand why things went wrong with my ex-partner.

Part of looking for patterns is analysing everything, whether you like it or not, some instinctively. I normally keep the doubts to myself, but I have been trying to say them.

Part of the autistic communication style can be sharing all the background reasoning behind your thoughts. How can the other person understand otherwise. It is oversharing from an NT perspective and confusing.

If I have doubts, I will say the most likely answer first. I then pause before the second option. The other person may speak here. If they agree, they are then confused when I then argue against them with the second option. If they say something else it then does not compute as my thought process is not yet finished, so I get confused. So I start again, see point 1. If they are quiet, I continue and do what you describe, argue with myself as I try to reach a conclusion.

I am not expecting input, other than maybe ok. If challenged on any point as I go along I can get confused, argumentative or frustrated as I am trying to complete the process.

At the end, which might be after a monologue, I then want some input and I am now ready to fully listen to the other person's options. If they are quiet, I don't know what they think. They may be confused about which is the right answer, but it could either or neither. It may feel like an argument but it is a discussion.

If the other person offers a third option I may then ask questions which may feel invalidating or an interrogation to an NT, but is not meant that way. I just want to understand their view.

If they ask what do I want, I will just say I don't know, because all I have done is lay out the options, I have not yet decided. They may then wonder what it was all about and if I was trying to trap them or waste time.

If pushed and pressured I may then go quiet as I don't know what the right answer is and I don't want to upset the other person, who is then getting frustrated or angry.

So it may get abandoned with really concluding to be done again at a later date.

This behaviour is worse when stressed.

Uncertainty, changes to routines, and especially changes at home which is the safe space are anxiety inducing. Argument make this worse.

When I couldn't relax at home, I had to escape. It might be to the pub or work. Drink makes it worse I now realise, as it affects thinking and causes more doubts for several days afterwards.

In my case, I now think this may be part of the reason a wedge was driven between us. I couldn't talk to her without an argument. It is not the whole answer as she had her issues with other people too. I felt I was walking on eggshells, so then couldn't talk freely. This built stress, over time this always ends in depression for me. Bedroom issues come into it too, as it is not a romantic situation. Factor in different love languages and trouble with social cues and it ends up a mess. If you can't read each other and you can't talk, you're in trouble.

My ex-partner wanted counselling but I couldn't see why. I loved her. Black and white thinking and a fear of discussing intimacy with a stranger made that hard.

She went anyway and reported back we were dysfunctional.

Neither of us were happy. I thought she didn't love me and I pushed her away. She just looked confused. Something I have regretted for 30 years.

I have been trying to figure out for years why I couldn't talk to her. There is a bit more to it, but this will do.

I hope you do better. At least you have more info than I did.

Good luck.

Thanks for this. It definitely describes a lot of what we're going through.

Stuart333 said:

Uncertainty, changes to routines, and especially changes at home which is the safe space are anxiety inducing.

This has become very clear since we embarked on our project. While I was completely unaware of this, I can't help but think that she must have known whether these things made her feel uneasy, even without a diagnosis. Sometimes I feel like I've dragged her into her worst nightmare, yet it's been years of talking and planning before actually starting. Suddenly, it's as if the whole venture has come from nowhere in a split second, and no one saw it coming.

This has become increasingly distressing for me because the whole situation appears to be exactly what makes her feel worse, yet any suggestions of giving up on the project are met with extreme emotional upset on her part. For me, this has resulted in a complete drain. I'm ultimately responsible for everything on my own: the work we're doing, the decisions we make, all while also caring and supporting her. I think I could manage it if all the housework hadn't turned into an ongoing heated argument about every little detail.

Despite many conundrums, she is very efficient at her work; she's displayed a lack of confidence in doing any of the renovation work. Often, there are things that I know for a fact she's capable of doing yet she needs me to oversee them 100% of the time. This again results in arguments as I'm bombarded with ongoing questions. It also takes me away from the tasks I need to do, and I often end up doing her tasks and mine. I've started to quietly disappear as she starts doing something, proving that she is capable of doing these things on her own. I thought that this might increase her confidence, but it doesn't appear so.

Part of the problem is the years of planning. I have anxiety around the build up to things, e.g. I find the build up to going on holiday so stressful I really have to fight the urge to cancel in the days before I go.

Long term pressure builds. I had a sort of breakdown/ burnout in Jan, after 2.5 years of pressure that I thought I was coping with. It is not that easy to see it coming.

I do not show much externally. I go onto autopilot while my mind goes crazy in the evenings and emotions get out of control (mostly sadness). But I also have PTSD.

She may have been going along with it thinking it would be ok, but is now overloaded.

Be aware that before you have a diagnosis you are masking and trying to fit in. Now she will really be struggling, confused and it will be hard to manage.

As you get more overloaded your autistic traits becomes far more noticeable. When with my partner I regressed, lost confidence, I couldn't even use the phone at the end.

Part of this is also the depression and disregulated thoughts. As you get overloaded and stressed and closer to burning out you get more depressed and withdrawn. You obsess about small things and ruminate for days, weeks, or years, on things that were said. I have recently been considering discussions from 30 years ago. Anything unexpected is logged for further study. It is not ever forgotten as it part looking fit patterns to understand things. I realised this after talking to a psychologist and asking her why she used a certain word 2 weeks later, but she did not remember, although I thought it was significant. I guess part of the communication differences.

When overloaded you executive functioning gets worse. I prioritised work as I can't live without money, but then could not do other stuff, so stopped going out, stopped looking-glass at bills, stopped looking after my plants etc. There is only so much on the pot. It is not laziness. She is trying to help but is struggling with energy and confidence.

That's why I said you need a break.

If that is not possible I am not sure what to suggest. She needs space but if you pull back too much she will probably think you don't love her and she has failed.

You have to find a way to talk. Find some neutral ground, somewhere peaceful and quiet away from the house, a hotel park, woods, whatever. And discuss things openly.

The problem you may face is she may be stubborn and not want to listen or understand. This will be a problem. This is what I did. But this may come from somewhere else in my case so it might not apply. 

She will not be doing this deliberately.

I feel for you and it makes me tear up as it brings back many issues for me. I wish I had known what I've been saying.

Part of the problem is the years of planning. I have anxiety around the build up to things, e.g. I find the build up to going on holiday so stressful I really have to fight the urge to cancel in the days before I go.

Long term pressure builds. I had a sort of breakdown/ burnout in Jan, after 2.5 years of pressure that I thought I was coping with. It is not that easy to see it coming.

I do not show much externally. I go onto autopilot while my mind goes crazy in the evenings and emotions get out of control (mostly sadness). But I also have PTSD.

She may have been going along with it thinking it would be ok, but is now overloaded.

Be aware that before you have a diagnosis you are masking and trying to fit in. Now she will really be struggling, confused and it will be hard to manage.

As you get more overloaded your autistic traits becomes far more noticeable. When with my partner I regressed, lost confidence, I couldn't even use the phone at the end.

Part of this is also the depression and disregulated thoughts. As you get overloaded and stressed and closer to burning out you get more depressed and withdrawn. You obsess about small things and ruminate for days, weeks, or years, on things that were said. I have recently been considering discussions from 30 years ago. Anything unexpected is logged for further study. It is not ever forgotten as it part looking fit patterns to understand things. I realised this after talking to a psychologist and asking her why she used a certain word 2 weeks later, but she did not remember, although I thought it was significant. I guess part of the communication differences.

When overloaded you executive functioning gets worse. I prioritised work as I can't live without money, but then could not do other stuff, so stopped going out, stopped looking-glass at bills, stopped looking after my plants etc. There is only so much on the pot. It is not laziness. She is trying to help but is struggling with energy and confidence.

That's why I said you need a break.

If that is not possible I am not sure what to suggest. She needs space but if you pull back too much she will probably think you don't love her and she has failed.

You have to find a way to talk. Find some neutral ground, somewhere peaceful and quiet away from the house, a hotel park, woods, whatever. And discuss things openly.

The problem you may face is she may be stubborn and not want to listen or understand. This will be a problem. This is what I did. But this may come from somewhere else in my case so it might not apply. 

She will not be doing this deliberately.

I feel for you and it makes me tear up as it brings back many issues for me. I wish I had known what I've been saying.