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7y.o. daughter is making my life unbearable

Motherhen

I know this sounds awful but I just feel like I can't cope anymore. Single parent to 10 y.o. (potentially mild asd/adhd but generally very chill)and 7 y.o. recently diagnosed with autism and I highly suspect pda. She screams, physically attacks me and her brother, shouts insults at us and generally wants to control everything we do.

I'm finding it so draining, it feels like I'm in an abusive relationship with her and I just can't seem to find a way to stop the meltdowns. There seems to be no stopping her once she gets going and our home is chaos and noise almost constantly. Occasionally I can stop it before it starts if I notice a meltdown brewing but other times it comes seemingly out of nowhere.

I feel like there maybe should be a consequence for her violence and rude behaviour, but at the same time I know it's only happening because she's overwhelmed. 

I just want some peace for us all. I love my daughter dearly and when she's not having a hard time she's the most wonderful, funny and kind girl, but I really can't live like this anymore. 

Please, if anyone has any advice at all on how to create calm in our lives, I'd love to hear any suggestions. 

Parents

  • Hello there Motherhen.

    Father to a 7 year old daughter with PDA Autism here. My daughter sounds to be less violent than yours, but similarly explosive to anything that bothers her even slightly. In our case, smells are her biggest trigger right now, so entering different buildings - especially restaurants - is an anxiety-inducing process.

    Motherhen said:
    I feel like there maybe should be a consequence for her violence and rude behaviour, but at the same time I know it's only happening because she's overwhelmed. 

    Totally understand, because to a certain extent our daughters need to learn how to cope with being overwhelmed. What has seemed to work for me is timeouts. The way my wife and I do timeouts is to count her from 1 to 3 for every time she does something unwanted (ex. screaming), then we take her somewhere quiet 1 on 1 with either myself or my wife with no toys or stimuli. Only pillows and blankets are allowed. We then take 7 minutes to cool down before rejoining others. I find that while timeouts usually start really rough, by the end of them both me and my daughter feel a little better.

    I can understand if that process doesn’t work as well for your daughter (taking her 1 on 1 might cause her to be more violent?), but it might be worth trying if you haven’t done it yet, as the de-stimulation could help.

    One other thing I’d recommend looking into is maybe therapy? (More so for your daughter, but it might help you, too!) We have been taking my daughter C to art therapy and it has really helped her with regulation of her emotions.

    I hope things get better for you and your family as she grows. Best wishes!

  • in reply to profdanger

    Thanks for your response, it's nice to know I'm not alone! I will give the time outs a try and look into therapy for us both x

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