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Bullying. Mental health or education first?

Xasli

Hello, my child is about to go into year 10 at school. This is when they do there options ready for GCSEs. She is so smart shes in all the higher groups and in these groups they  get to sit extra exams in more subjects to get additional gcses which will help her in the job shes wanted to do forever. She will go on university trips. Have real world experiences (how to do a job interview ect) She loves to learn so she jumped at the chance to do more, she got all her options she wanted, she loves her class teachers. They all give her amazing parents evening and reports. The education is perfect. There's also a routine and its the same every week, she is allowed to go off into the library or gym ect to cool down if things get overwhelming in class/lunch ect.

Problem is there's a group of children making her life hell. They use what they know triggers her. Scream in her face, throw food at her, tell her to play and get her to chase them then run to the teacher and  say she wont stop. They poke her when she walks past them, whisper under there breath.

Just this year she has been suspended 3 times, going to far with fights, the other children was suspended to. Between a day and a week each time.   Some body throws something at her she punches them, catching each other playing but refusing to let go ect. Each time caught on cameras.  and it is always involving the same students. She has  0 social skills. Says what's in her head which other people dont appreciate.  Has ticks which they tease her about. Her attendance is below 50% because she refuses to go. She has a couple friends but in different years. 

The newest thing is.  , they message her on different apps, pretend to be her friend then take parts of converstions stick them together , share them with eachother and post them on social media, get parents involved who also post on social media then you have 3/4 adults threatening her. They've all now been blocked and deleted but kids talk on everything now a day's so its hard to keep up. I know 100% if I let her go back into school its going to be bad. They will mention it to her and shes going to start a fight. 

She hates everything to do with physical touch but burst out crying and wouldnt stop hugging me last night saying she cant take it anymore. She doesn't want to go back. She doesn't want to be here anymore.  I basically just said ok 1 week left your staying off. 

She now wants to move schools and has been researching them all.  She's found 2 that she likes one few streets away and one that is 2 buses but her face drops when she sees they dont offer the subjects she wants to do, shes also not guaranteed theres space on the subjects if they would do them. I'll move her schools in a heartbeat if i knew it would be better but I dont want her to miss out on something she loves, i wish i could get her to try to ignore them but it never works, no other schools in our area do what this school does. No extra learning. No specialised subjects, no teachers knowing her needs, learning 2 languages which is her favorite. Her grades are off the charts right now but I cant promise the next school is going to be better can I, i cant promise she wont have the same problems?

I've done every meeting you can think of, put her on every course/group offered, been gp, done anger management, I go through her phone and sent al the bad messages to my phone. Ive spoken to different staff, they either see no issue as they watch cctv and say shes just gone to far we can see shes playing and they threw things but shes gone to far or they say its been dealt with then she goes back to school and bam shes suspended because theyve mocked her, called her a snitch ect and shes hit them. Im so scared shes gonna get hurt or hurt someone else, be excluded, police involved. 

Im just looking for some advise on what other people would do or say to her. Would you move her schools or is it better to stick with this school and figure a way to deal with everything.  We dont think any of the children will be in her new classes next year but its not just in class now. 

Parents

  • Dear Xasli,

    I am an autistic adult. So that is my life experience. I also have two children and they weren't sent through the diagnosis route at the request of my husband. However, they are both autistic. I think you might understand that this is true, though they have not been diagnosed. They have had very similar experiences to your daughter and indeed to me, growing up. They are clever. They are talented. But they are vulnerable and they have been through terrible bullying. 

    What to do?? That is a difficult question. I have been through what you are going through now. These are the issues for me as a parent and what my husband and I talk about when we discuss what to do.

    1. Agency. Agency is a word that my husband likes to use a lot these days. For him, it is very important that our children make their own choices, despite what we would choose for them. I am a less of an Agency believer. I see my role more as someone to helping our children reflect on what the implications of their choices are. As in, I take a more active role. But I do feel Agency is an important part. I think, when I was 13/14 years old, I was ready to have Agency. It does run the risk that as parents we still get blamed, later on. That we should have made a different choice on their behalf. But that is the in joke, that is what being a parent is all about - rolling with the blame.

    1. What is the endgame. Where does your daughter and you, want for her in her adolescent/young adult/adult life? What things are important for her? What things are important for you? This is what it is like for me, (my disclaimers) I am a white, middle class, 50 something, Autistic woman with bipolar.
        1. Financial Security. 
        2. Love. Being in a relationship that makes me happy and is supportive.
        3. Health - Physical and Mental Health. And this is where the tricky part really comes in. I continue to have real issues with anxiety, depression, self-esteem and coping with being autistic.
        4. Being accepted in society. 

    1. The Advice, if I was 13/14 again starting out, but living in 2025.
      1. You are going to have the same problems with bullying no matter where you are. But the level of bullying that you are getting now is close to being unsafe and will be emotionally damaging to you in the long term.
      2. You are going to need to compromise.
      3. Build a social media wall. Get someone tech savvy to keep out the bullies. 

    And finally, as a parent, my advice to you. Look after yourself, because you need to be as resilient and as strong as you can be. You need to be playing your A Game.

    Mrs Snooks.

Reply

  • Dear Xasli,

    I am an autistic adult. So that is my life experience. I also have two children and they weren't sent through the diagnosis route at the request of my husband. However, they are both autistic. I think you might understand that this is true, though they have not been diagnosed. They have had very similar experiences to your daughter and indeed to me, growing up. They are clever. They are talented. But they are vulnerable and they have been through terrible bullying. 

    What to do?? That is a difficult question. I have been through what you are going through now. These are the issues for me as a parent and what my husband and I talk about when we discuss what to do.

    1. Agency. Agency is a word that my husband likes to use a lot these days. For him, it is very important that our children make their own choices, despite what we would choose for them. I am a less of an Agency believer. I see my role more as someone to helping our children reflect on what the implications of their choices are. As in, I take a more active role. But I do feel Agency is an important part. I think, when I was 13/14 years old, I was ready to have Agency. It does run the risk that as parents we still get blamed, later on. That we should have made a different choice on their behalf. But that is the in joke, that is what being a parent is all about - rolling with the blame.

    1. What is the endgame. Where does your daughter and you, want for her in her adolescent/young adult/adult life? What things are important for her? What things are important for you? This is what it is like for me, (my disclaimers) I am a white, middle class, 50 something, Autistic woman with bipolar.
        1. Financial Security. 
        2. Love. Being in a relationship that makes me happy and is supportive.
        3. Health - Physical and Mental Health. And this is where the tricky part really comes in. I continue to have real issues with anxiety, depression, self-esteem and coping with being autistic.
        4. Being accepted in society. 

    1. The Advice, if I was 13/14 again starting out, but living in 2025.
      1. You are going to have the same problems with bullying no matter where you are. But the level of bullying that you are getting now is close to being unsafe and will be emotionally damaging to you in the long term.
      2. You are going to need to compromise.
      3. Build a social media wall. Get someone tech savvy to keep out the bullies. 

    And finally, as a parent, my advice to you. Look after yourself, because you need to be as resilient and as strong as you can be. You need to be playing your A Game.

    Mrs Snooks.

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