Hi all, I'm looking for some advice.
My family are basically at breaking point and me and my partner have discussed separation.
Please bare with me, it is a long one and I have tried to include as much detail as possible.
A lot of the issues come down to how hostile the household is due to my 11 year old autistic son.
Please note when reading this, I love my child dearly, but we are only human ourselves and I can't turn a blind eye much more on what is actually causing the problems. I feel awful having to write this about him, it breaks my heart but I really don't know what else to do.
Background
- We are a family of 5, I have two children from previous relationships 18 and 11, and a 6 year old from current relationship, all male.
- Me and my partner have been together for 8 years, we have lived together for 6 with all 3 children.
- My partner works full time and I stay at home, however I am looking at restarting my career in the near future, it just keeps getting put on hold.
- I am diagnosed ADHD Combined and Autistic.
- My 11 year old was diagnosed with autism 4 years ago.
- He sees his bio father (separated before he was born) once every fortnight.
- He mainly has social and communication difficulties, and while it is not officially noted, he does show traits of PDA profile.
- He is academically at a 7 - 9 year old level.
- There is no EHCP in place, however he has a lot of interventions at school and needs a lot of support.
I've briefly listed some difficulties with some examples of what we are facing on a daily basis.
Aggressive Behaviour.
- Threats of violence.
- Acts of violence.
- Screaming and shouting.
- Breaking or attempting to break things.
If he loses something, breaks something it will be someone else's fault, he will get angry and frustrated with me. He will claim things have or have not been said to/by him. For example, I asked him to make sure all his school books were packed in his bag, one by one, ready for the morning and helped him find a few things. After school the next day he shouted, screamed and lunged at me because a certain book was not in his bag. When I told him that I helped him last night and asked him to make sure that book was in the bag he responded aggressively with “No you did not! You never said that to me”. The anger and aggression he displays is scary. He has intent to harm in his facial expression and body language is unnerving, the volume to which he screams and shouts is almost deafening and the misjudgement of his own strength when he physically attacks someone or hits something is increasingly getting worse.
Manipulation and Lying.
- Threats of telling school that he is being abused at home if he does not get his own way.
- Lies, exaggeration or purposely missing details when negative things have happened.
- Saying hurtful things for a reaction.
- He gains immense pleasure from others misfortune, He will actively seek excitement and purposely torment, tease and/or physically harm someone for that enjoyment. He will laugh and get excited when someone is visibly upset, hurt, distressed or angry, and I stress this can not be put down to limited understanding of these emotions as he often will say ‘...is cross because…’ ‘...is upset because…’. Once he has made this person show a negative emotion, he does not stop. He will push and push to prolong the distress.
Emotional and Physical Wellbeing
- Pull the skin around his fingers until it bleeds.
- Pulling his teeth out, often this is before the teeth were ready to be pulled out.
- Shouting he wants to die and everyone hates him when having a meltdown.
Relationship with food.
- Refusing to eat, even though it was his choice of food.
Social and Communication.
- Unable to sustain relationships.
- Can not see fault in own actions and will blame others.
- Can not understand jokes and gets upset as he thinks people are being serious.
- "Gaslighting" - He will claim things have or haven't been said or done, when they have. He has spoken to me about something or asked for something and then denied any knowledge of saying it to me, even if it's just 30 minutes after the initial conversation.
Defiance and lack of respect for authority.
- Will not do tasks asked of him.
- Will be rude to people of authority.
- Will not ask for permission.
Over the years we have participated in workshops and courses.
We have done absolutely every recommendation ever to be thrown at us, but nothing ever works or sticks.
We have tried to seek mental health and wellbeing support from CAMHS but they said they couldn't help, but this is just another thing I am having to navigate, there is an active investigation into how poorly our referral was dealt with (it's another story in itself).
School have made referrals for therapies for him, we are just sat on waiting lists.
I have got to a stage where I struggle to find any positives.
This is having such a negative impact on the household, we can not do anything socially together, he is horrible to us all, especially my youngest, who to takes it like a champ but he shouldn't have to.
Our relationship is so strained because we are exhausted, my partner comes home tired and he is straight into a boiling pot of hostility and negativity at home. It has delayed any progression in our relationship, we are not married and my partner simply does not want to and personally this hurts me. Any issues we have in the relationship that are not linked to my son are dealt with, spoken about, this isn't just a case of using my son as an excuse or anything like that. My partner loves him, he cares for him and he has tried like a biological father would.
But last night we had the discussion of separating after our summer holiday, we are both too exhausted and to be frank depressed. And as it is MY child which is causing a lot of the impact I can not expect him to stay in this environment, my son is my responsibility and if what is happening is causing someone to feel the way they are then I have to let them leave. We have tried so hard to get through everything, but we seem to get through one thing and another things comes up and we are in a constant cycle.
I obviously don't want that to happen, but I'm not really sure what to do next.
I've been looking at family therapies but the costs are just not what we can afford and I'm trying to get his dad to have him more to give us respite.
Is this something I can contact our GP about? Is there anyone I can go to for advice directly and have a conversation without it costing a months rent?
Has anyone personally dealt with something similar and over come it? How?
Thank you for your time, I know it is a lot and any help is really appreciated.
