Loss of both parents - impact on mental health

Hi Princess - this is so helpful and so kind of you thank you

Trying to cope with the loss of both your parents when you were in your teens - that’s must have been incredibly difficult for you - I’m so sorry! You’ve made realise how fortunate I am that I am at least dealing with this as an adult - dealing with that at such a young age must have been beyond difficult for you and your sister. I’m glad that you had such a wonderful mother - even though it was not for as long as you had every right to expect and hope for. You’ve been through so much and I’m sure she’d be so proud of you if she could see what wise words you are speaking now as you reflect on what your family went through. My mum had cancer when I was about 10 but she survived - and I realise I was so lucky that I wasn’t left in the sole care of my dad. I can relate to what you say about your dad - I’m sorry he wasn’t able to be better. I can tell that you fully understand the complexity of that kind of father/daughter relationship - it helps to realise I’m far from alone in that.

Thank you so much for your reassuring words about how I shouldn’t feel bad for the contradictory emotions I’m feeling - you’re right that it’s a normal thing to love a parent - and a parents flaws (even though they cause us so much pain) don’t erase every element of that love -  and we shouldn’t blame ourselves for feeling love when in many ways it’s essential to our survival. It’s our human nature to love after all. But it definitely feels weird to love someone who insults you and puts you down all the time. I feel he doesn’t deserve it you know? But at the same time if he was such a damaged person maybe it’s because he didn’t receive enough love as a child himself? I will never know. We need to find peace with it all ultimately don’t we? And as you so wisely point out - that’s not likely to be a quick process.

i really appreciate you sharing what happened to you - it really has helped me to read what you have written here. It makes such a difference to know that other people can understand - and that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Your positive vibes are gratefully received and very appreciated - thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and wise, compassionate words. 

Stuart333 said:

Separating from people can also be harder.

A month ago I agreed not to see my therapist for 3 weeks and I felt lost and abandoned for a few hours when I walked away. Was very strange.

Agreed it is really difficult. My first counsellor worked with me for a couple of years and I found it so difficult when she left and I had to get used to a new counsellor. I started to think of my old one as a friend, and I felt that lost and abandonment feelings after she was gone.

You get used to people and you always expect them to be there and when they aren't it's hard.

I don't think it is just the processing which is difficult, but ND can also feel emotions differently.

It is why there is alexithymia.

Separating from people can also be harder.

A month ago I agreed not to see my therapist for 3 weeks and I felt lost and abandoned for a few hours when I walked away. Was very strange.

Hello Kate. I’m so sorry for your losses and how they have understandably affected you so deeply. Loss is hard enough for anyone to cope with but when you have autism I think it’s even harder because we have a lot more to try to process and cope with than a neurotypical person.

I lost both of my parents during my teens. I was 13 when my mum passed away. We were very close and to me she was that special person who could read me like a book. She understood everything about me, she never judged and she was always there. Losing her was hell for me. And yet I didn’t cry. At first her death seemed to not affect me at all but slowly over time the grief began to surface and I struggled immensely trying to make sense of it.

My dad was abusive towards me. I won’t go into details as it will trigger me and probably everybody else too. But I had a hate/love relationship with him. I spent most of my life hating on my dad because he was horrible to me. After my mum died he was especially bad and he seemed to spend every waking hour making my life a misery.

But I loved him too. He was my dad. He took me to school, he watched films with me and my sister, he read to me before bed. He did all those ‘dad’ things that dad’s do and I loved him for that. Personality wise he wasn’t a nice man, I won’t be a hypocrite. As a person I hated him. As a dad, I thought he was great.

I want you to know that you aren’t bad or wrong or an idiot for loving your dad. A lot of people who were abused whether it physically, emotionally or sexually can still like their abusers and miss them when they aren’t in their lives anymore.

That doesn’t make you stupid. It isn’t bad to love someone who mistreated you. It’s just the way us humans are. We generally love those closest to us, even if they are horrible.

That just shows you are a genuinely kind and thoughtful person!

Everything you are experiencing is completely normal in my opinion. When things get too much one of the bodies instant reactions to keep us safe to shutdown so you can get some much needed rest physically and mentally. It’s huge when somebody you love dies, and my experience has been mostly the same. I had a lot of shutdown and a lot of emotional turbulence. It got better but it takes time. It wasn’t an overnight fix. You need to be patient with yourself and give yourself time.

My mental health suffered a bit but luckily that’s now under control.

It might be worth looking into reaching out for support with a grief counsellor, somebody professional who can help navigate you through the difficult emotions and teach you how to process this grief and cope with what’s happening to you. I did this after a couple of years and found it really helpful. In hindsight I wish I had sought grief counselling sooner than I did. But I know it doesn’t work for everybody.

I lost my dad when I was 16. Life with him was generally awful, especially after my mum passed away. But despite all the things he did and said I miss him now. Going through the grief was awful. I really struggled to cope because it became just me and my sister, whilst trying to understand what was happening with social services and care support.

During my own grief I’ve learned it’s important to be kind to yourself and to give yourself time to process and understand the grief. There’s no right or wrong way to feel and given time it will get easier.
It still hurts, I don’t think you ever stop missing those who you loved but it becomes manageable and you can function again. Reach out for support when you need to, whether that’s your son (he will want to be there for you), Samaritans, a counsellor, or here – seems like a friendly community who is happy to support you.

Feel free to reach out to me anytime. Sending positive vibes.

Thank you. I have tried to develop my understanding of why my dad was the way he was - and to improve my awareness of why some people can be cruel and not able to show love and affection to their own children. He could show affection for his wife though - he idolised her in fact. But as a father he behaved in a way that was entirely alien to me - I cannot even conceive of treating my own children in that way. I learnt from his mistakes and so I appreciate that I was fortunate enough to have learned from the pain I experienced and do things completely differently with my own children and not repeat the pattern. 
I thought I’d worked so much of these things out in my head but his death has really shaken me and stirred up so many confusing emotions - which is ‘normal’ I suppose - but the intensity of it has left me feeling like I’ve been run over by a bus! Thoughts and emotions are messy things aren’t they? And often unpredictable. 

To any new parents out there who may read this : do all you can to always be loving and kind to your children - because the damage of not doing that can resonate for decades and across generations. 

In terms of your emotions, many people stay in dysfunctional relationships. It is common for victims of psychological abuse to go back trauma bonding is also a thing. 

You are not a fool.

Also, he provided for you so he was not all bad.

You may also have misread some things.

I have realised in the last few months I may have had issues related to the double empathy problem. If you are ND and the other person is NT you don't work on the same wavelength.

Thank you Stuart - this is massively helpful!  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your understanding - and your suggestions are switching my mindset already to feeling like it’s actually possible to cope with all of this - I just need to be organized and methodical and take a bit more time. Thank you - you’ve really helped! 

Having a plan gives you a sense of control which makes it less overwhelming. Making a list allows you to prioritise but also note progress as things get done. Which gives you some positive assurance it can be done.

For big items break them down into smaller more manageable tasks, it will make it less overwhelming.

You don't need to sort everything out now. If you want to sell the house you could put some things in storage and sort it later. You can then do it when the memories and emotions are more under control.

My mum had the same issue with her father who was cold. She struggled when he died. I did not go to the funeral. I sympathise with how you must feel.

It will get better, you just need to allow yourself some space. You maybe thought you could rush through the practical issues, keep the emotions in check and deal with thm later. Your mind does not work like that.

Try not to be hard on yourself.

Thank you so much Stuart - this is great advice. I think you’re completely right in all you say here. I like your idea and I’m going to write things down as you suggest and try to form some kind of ordered and methodical approach to this. I think it’s the mix of emotional and psychological issues all tangled up with a load of practical and financial issues that’s causing me to get in a total mess with EVERYTHING. I need to order things, separate the different elements and try to feel more in control. You highlight too an important side of this is that I am at risk of making poor decisions if I’m not coping and not thinking clearly.

Thank you for your help - I appreciate it so much! 

You are overloaded. You are going to burnout and/or start making poor decisions. Your thinking will become more emotional.

I think you need time to grieve. Perhaps you should try to get counselling if you have no one else to talk to, but it is not quick.

If you are not sleeping well it will quickly escalate.

Can you make a list and identify the priorities? What can be put off for a week, or a month or more. Just focus on the critical things.

Can you give any of them to someone else. Someone needs to help you.

Can you outsource anything, even if you have to pay?