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Update on family matters

HollyP85

Hi guys

I can't find my original thread to update

Some of you may remember I had serious concerns regarding family issues with my 7 year old daughter, who has Asperger's Syndrome, not wanting to sleep over at her fathers, her father being aware of that but pushing for it anyway.

Well we went to court & the judge ruled she didn't care about the fact my daughter had writted she was scared of her father and that overnight contact would go ahead. If it didn't go ahead FOR WHATEVER REASONS she would support my daughter's father in a residency applicaton.

The overnight contact hasn't gone ahead. The week running up to the sleepover my daughter kepy repeating she was scared her dad was going to hurt her. It became a repetitious mantra from the second she woke up until the second she fell asleep and she disclosed 2 days before the overnight contact was to happen that he had hurt her 3 times (one of which was the time she came home with severe bruising & CAFCASS told me I was over reacting and accepted his excuse that he did not know how it happened)

I called the police who referred to MASH who reffered to Child Protection & I was advised by MASH to suspend contact oending investigations. My daughter's father has now put in for residency stating that my calling the police is emotional harm to my daughter because it is me making the disclosures not her!

I'm terrified. I have it in writing from several professionals that I acted in the correct way (including CAFCASS!) but this application has gone to court, they listen to him and have never listened to me! The police and child protection team have both heard the disclosures from my daughter but the court haven't seen that they have just seen his lies.

My daughter has struggled talking to the social worker, she has drawn pictures of where she has been hurt but has not said how and the social worker told me she was unable to get 'when' from her. I believe that might be because she is trying to think in her head the exact date (I don't know about other's children but my daughter has to get everything exact otherwise she can't say anything at all!) She has said she is being mindful of my daughter's diagnosis however I feel that enough attention isn't being given to how hard this is for her, the social worker said she is being 'inconsistent' because she has drawn where but not given other details.

This has been going on 2 months which is why I haven't updated, it's been a nightmare. I can't honestly understand how my acting on my daughter's disclosures can be seen as 'emotional harm' when all I am doing is trying to keep her safe! Have I caused more harm than good by acting on her disclosures? Should I have ignored them? I honestly don't know! I hesitated to call the police in the first place because I had a feeling it would be turned around and he would try and use it against me however I felt that because of the nature of her allegations I could not ignore it, nobody has a right to hurt a child and it has taken her around 6 months to actually disclose that he is hurting her, she was displaying her fear in ways to me however nobody ever saw that and they said I was lying and therefore I couldn't make a difference.

I'm doubting myself all the time and I don't know how to make this right, my daughter is scared of her father, she has told the social worker (in her own written way) she does not want to see him, but the courts...the courts have a mind of their own and people seem to be struggling to accept the fact my daughter cannot handle the pressure of being interrogated for every last detail as she just shuts down!

  • Two good things jump out at me.  One your ex has said in court that he thinks he has aspergers, so suggesting some of the issues may related to this may help both of you reach a more suitable solution.  It may be that he is not coping with caring for his daughter on his own and blames you for the fact that she is behaving in a way that makes it difficult for him to manage.  He may not see his parenting as part of the problem.

    Secondly you state that he is not complying with authorities as he is refusing to return calls.  This should be highlighted in court as it is unacceptable behaviour.

  • He did state at our last court appearance that he believes he may have asperger's himself, I did question if this may be why he was refusing to listen to my daughter when she has told him she does not want to sleepover however the judge believed sleepovers should be happening.

    I have had a quick search of the Cassandra effect & understand how it may be relevent.It is of course possible that he doesn't realise what he is doing to her & I have not been unkind about him to social servicesm I have stated what I know to be facts and have said nothing about him at all, I have spoken of the effect that the contact has on my daughter as I have seen it and as she has told me but have said nothing against him.

    The social worker has said she believes my daughter is being harmed however, I have suspended contact under advice from the social worker, my solicitor and the police and she she has said social services cannot remain involved because at the minute there are no safeguarding issues because she is not seeing her father & as far as any professionals were concerned, that was where the safeguarding issues lay.

    The police have told me they will not take action against him because the most serious injuries (returning home with bruising across the backs of her legs that were so severe she could not walk) happened over 6 months ago. I reported the injuries to the doctor, who at the time referred to SS but the SW was...lax, to say the least, her phone rang every 5 minutes and she answered it every time & was in a desperate rush to get back to her office and did not even speak to my daughter.

    I have tried explaining to the SW that we have now about the very obvious way in which my daughter behaves, she states things and then shuts down if continually questioned however I just don't think there is much understanding from her, she said (and this is a direct quote) "We do expect all children to fully co-operate with us and tell us everything in one visit" I was a little shocked at that to be honest Frown The last time I spoke to her she said again that my daughter is being very clear on her wishes; that her father scares her and hurts her and she does not wish to see him (which given she is scared of him I guess is probably understandable)

    My daughter's psychologist (from her multi-disciplinary team) has said she will offer support in the way of counselling when she feels she is ready for it, she felt it would be too much to do it now whilst she is having to deal with social services etc because she didn't want to push her too far and cause more problems. I honestly do just worry that the judge will look at his application and not look at the full facts and just see his side of the situation because that is what is there in front of him first Frown We have been trying to get back to court since the disclosures were made 2 months ago however the court are demanding more and more evidence about the situation which I can't provide because the SW has not yet written a report because my daughter's father has refused to return and and all calls. The SW can't liaise with court because they were not appointed by them (which I didn't know!) and she has said when we go back to court they should ask for a report from SS (which has already been done but won't stand because she isn't court appointed!) so I'm worried about all the stress that will put on my daughter as well going over things over and over again Frown I'm struggling with ways to help her cope, she has started sleepwalking since the disclosures, I was told this could be related to stress but I don't know how to help her deal with it :(xx

  • Hi HollyP85

    I am so sorry to hear of the stress you and your daughter are going through at this time.  It is a difficult age, being 7, as the childs wishes and feelings must be taken into account by the courts, yet she is still very young and does not fully understand the implications.

    You say that your child has aspergers, as a general rule children with aspergers are very naiive and will on the whole say it as it is and stating that her dad hurts her will just be a fact and nothing more.  

    Your ex's reaction to these claims in that you are emotionally harming your child could be a rouse to throw you off balance and make your doubt your own actions.  However, as you say, CAFCASS have recognised your action as in the best interests of your child, so don't be thrown by his counter claim.

    There is the other possibility that your ex simply doesn't see or recognise his behaviour and the effect it has on your child.  Have you considered that he may have aspergers?  His explosive reaction to your daughters accusation may be because he hates you, or because he genuinely is unaware of what he has done is wrong.  Many asperger men fail to recognise the effect their behaviour has on others and so when accused in this way, they are both hurt and angered as they see frankly don't see what they do as anything more than a need to correct a behaviour, they are genuinely baffled by the accusation and can become narcissistic in response.  The emotional effect it has on your daughter doesn't register.  Something to think about.

    I would suggest, if this hasn't happened, that your solictior gets you a barrister at your next court appearance and if possible see if you can get a psychological evaluation ordered for your ex.  

    It is probably also worth you getting a psych evaluation as this will show the courts that you have not ruled out a psychological issue that could be contributing to these problems and will show that you are willing to look at all possibilities that could be contirbuting to your relationship problems.

    Sometimes this pinging backwards and forwards between the parents turns the courts against one or other of the parents.  It would probably help if you have independent testimony from others to substantiate his behaviour towards your daughter.  It is also good to make if very clear to your ex that you will only communicate with him if he is civil towards you.  If he fails to do so, you will not respond / reply.  Don't engage in any negative correspondence.  At all times be civil yourself and expect the same in return.  This is equally important in court.  Remaining calm and in control goes a long way in showing the courts that you are being the better person.  

    Also, look up an article called "Cassandra Effect in psychology", might be worth sharing it with your solicitor.

    Try not to react to everything he says to you,  I know it is hard, but he has no control over you any more.  Always do what is right for your daughter and never for you.  As long as the courts see that you are doing that, then whatever happens, you know what you did was for the right reasons.

    finally, is there anyone your child can talk to, i.e. a counsellor to help her work through her anxieties.  It must be very unsettling for her to see mummy and daddy at loggerheads with each other.  Try to do some fun things with her and try not to let her dwell too much on her worries.

    Keep in touch...