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Child hides his feelings

Roblox_Parent2016.

Hi, first time poster!!

Our 9 year old son has always hidden his feelings when he is upset, angry, confused or just sad. As parents when kids are happy, it's easy to tell and usually clear why. When they're sad, we automatically want to fix things, offer advice, be a shoulder to cry on...whatever we are needed for.

However, when our son is upset he instantly tries to hide himself away. He'll supress tears, avoid contact or refuse to speak to us. Anything he says in response to us is 'I'm just bored' or 'I'm just tired'. But we know there is more to it.

I know kids will always hide things from their parents, but when there is something obviously wrong, he shuts down any attempt to talk about it, to tell us what's wrong or to vent his frustration. This is obviously concerning for us as parents as we want him to express his feelings. Perhaps when he's a teenager it's more expected that they withdraw from parents a bit, but for years this has always been a problem for us. Since he was very little. and he's still only 9.

Anyone have similar experiences, or advice for getting through to their children to find out what's wrong??

Thank you.

  • in reply to Homebird

    Hi, thanks for your response. Really useful and relatable. 
    We try and find different times or places to ask him with varying results. Being upset is really the main thing he tries to hide from us. But when it comes to his special interests....wow can he talk. It's great, we just try to keep up and remember to respond positively even if we're not quite sure what he's on about!

    I just need to remember that it's not easy for him and keep being there, sometimes just sit next to him and say nothing. We want to know what's wrong to try and help but trying to force it will make it worse. 

    We go to a gaming club on a Tuesday for autistic kids. A special interest thing. He keeps to himself but likes to see what others are doing. 

    All part of the jigsaw. 

    Appreciate your response. 

    Thanks

    • Hi. My son is autistic, but now in his late teens. It is difficult when you want to help and don't know how. I know personally when I have had difficulties I try to hide it.
    • I found my son had difficulty saying what was wrong when he was unhappy. I found there were times when it was easier to have conversations, for example when walking or in the car, rather than set times. It also helped to be a bit of a detective and drop in possibilities into the conversation. There were times when things were difficult and he didn't know why. The best conversations we have are regarding his special interest. I used to know very little about football, but found by asking him about it his communication has improved.
    • Sometimes when he returned from school, the day had been so overwhelming he didn't have the energy to talk. Some days I had to wait until later and say something in passing. Are there little things he might appreciate you doing for him when things are hard that help him to build a bond, so he feels able to say something? We did a lot of small things that other children might have done themselves and this helped, especially when he was overwhelmed. My son finds it difficult if he is feeling unwell to be specific, so I wonder if there may be an element of not being able to find the words for what is wrong.
    • Another thing that was helpful when my son was younger were organizations for parents locally, where we could meet parents who also had autistic children. His school may have details of any in your area or there might be links on the school website.
    • (Apologies for the dots, not sure how that happened as my IT skills are poor). I hope you find a way forward and some support.