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23 year old son with Asperger’s/ ADHD

hattieshouse4

Hi there

This is my first post so I hope I make sense and can help others as well as my own family.

I am a mother to my son is 23 who was diagnosed with Asperger’s and ADHD aged 5. He lives at home still with me (I’m Mum) and his 21 year old sister who is away at University much of the year. 
He has meltdowns still, generally when a plan is changed, when he is asked to do something, when I say no.

The biggest problem is his mess, hoarding, and pure destruction of the family home, both when calm and when highly worked up in a meltdown. The environment is not conducive with rest, calm. If I ask him to pick up after himself it can end in rage. There is no awareness for the impact on others. My home is looking like a student pad and it is impossible to rest. It’s escalating out of control.

I am sure that there are some of you out there saying evict him which I get. Some days are ok and despite struggles I am very close to both my children. However, I live threading on eggshells, my home is not a calm sanctuary, and I feel I have no control over my home or my life. I feel depressed. Although high functioning, his monetary skills are atrocious, I fear he has debts, I couldn’t act as a guarantor for him to rent his own place. Worse to me is he tells me everybody hates him and he’d be better off dead. I don’t know how much is control and trying to manipulate me or how much is he really feels that anxious, stressed and inadequate. I am scared that if I can find an appropriate supportive living that he would see it as me rejecting him. His dad moved overseas when he was 12. I’m exhausted and feel at breaking point today. Tomorrow might be easier though my home is still in turmoil.

I am struggling to work in my role as a Critical Care Nurse with all this and I am off sick at present (a further stress). I work full time. 
My Dad passed away 7 weeks ago and my Mum has been unwell in hospital needing support from myself and my sister now home… my son is having to stay on his own for 3 nights a week which he finds hard as he is very ‘clingy’ to me. However he holds down a full time job doing a Degree Apprenticeship. 
Today I feel at breaking point. I’ve been trying to get a Social Worker assigned for all needs to be assessed for over a year. We’ve had Safeguardings put in by neighbours because of the noise… nothing ever comes of them. The Mental Health Team discharged my son… they will no longer speak to me as he is an Adult deemed to have Capacity. And to be honest they treated my son like an 8 year old instead of an adult.

I don’t know what to do and even when I do think I know what to do, I don’t know how to do it as there are barriers every step of the way. 
I’d appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Thanks for listening.

  • Hi Hattie,

    I hope you get this; it has been a while since you posted. It sounds like everything that could go wrong happened at similar times.

    Like your son, I have both, though I must confess I was diagnosed at a much later age. I have racked my brain for something positive to say about the difficulties which your family and you are experiencing at the hands of the 'specialists', but it is not something unusual; sadly, it is more of the norm. And to further heap onto your overflowing plate, there doesn't seem to be a let-up soon. 

    I would suggest getting your son something to fixate on, ideally in his room or out of the house if that is possible. Is it the most ethical solution? Probably not, but any rational person would agree that these are extraordinary circumstances. You need some time to clear your head and to practice some self-preservation.  

    My skin is practically an inch thick, and I have grown immune to abuse over the years. It is a combination of being a pain in the backside and poorly picking relationships. So, if you need to chat or blow off steam anytime, it would be my pleasure to listen or talk. Don't stop yourself from reaching out for one minute. You can assume I am paying penance for some historical misbehaviour. Type away, quilt-free!

    Take care of yourself.

  • I am sorry to read of your difficulties, and can only empathise how it must be to live under the pressures you describe.   

    Sometimes services present solutions that appear oh so easy, but actually trying to access these, or put in practice what they advocate is a totally different matter.  I've tried to indicate as much on this forum before, but I don't think people quite realise. 

    Nothing seems to change until something drastic happens, and this is exactly what I said to the last mental health worker I spoke with.  He told me they do their best with limited resources, and I have no doubt this is true, but quite often their best involves telling people what should or could happen, and signposting people to other agencies who aren't coping either. 

    It seems clear to me that you and your son both need support, but I have no idea where it would come from, and in your son's case, I am not sure if he would accept it. 

    Social Prescribing is something that is mentioned on this forum more & more.  Essentially it is designed to match individuals with groups and activities in their areas that might provide benefit to them.  It could involve all manner of things, including support, meeting others in similar situations, or simply getting out and trying new activities.  It would be dependent on what your locality has to offer, and can often be accessed by speaking to your GP practice.  

    https://www.england.nhs.uk/personalisedcare/social-prescribing/ 

    I really wish you all the best, and wish I could say something more constructive.  Regards