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Struggling with my daughter who prefers her mum

Bagpuss

Hi. I'm an autistic man desperately looking for some guidance. I have a 4 YO little girl who is my whole world and so far for her age hasn't been too difficult caring for. She's diagnosed with asd. My GF is away next week for her work, at first I wasn't worried but today she was called in to work and I've realised our daughter her name's Laura is much closer to her mum than she is with me. I tried giving her her lunch today, I cut it in the same shapes her mum does but she wouldn't touch it because it wasn't Paige who made it. Paige luckily had some wrapped in the fridge and Laura ate those but because she saw me make the ones I made she wouldn't even attempt to eat them.

The same thing happened this morning when it came to dressing her. She wouldn't have it and threw a huge tantrum saying your not mummy.

Mummy dresses me.

Mummy brushes my hair.

I tried explaining and saying I could do it the same as mummy but she had a huge tantrum though at one point she was on the verge of a meltdown. We got her there eventually, I called her mum and she spoke to her on the phone reassuring her that I knew how to do her hair and put her clothes on. Just hearing Paige's voice calmed her, Laura instantly relaxed I saw it on her face. But next week that won't be possible when she's working.

Laura has struggled integrating in to nursery the same because her mum isn't there with her. I really can't imagine what it will be like next year when she has to start school.

Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks in advance.

  • That may sound stupid and I may be completely wrong, but this might be a problem that fixes itself with time. She will gain more and more independence through visiting school and might even find it a bit easier to settle in there because of the stricter schedule. I remember being very peculiar about my hair. It had to be in two braids and the end of it had to have a certain length while the braids were not too loose and not too tight. On days when my mother was unable to do them for me, I often threw tantrums and had meltdowns about anything until someone got them right. Never developed the motor skills to get them right myself so as a desperate try to gain more independence I cut them at some point in secondary school.
    It is not atypical for a little girl to have a special relationship to their mother. Combine that with a need for routine and…. Well, you witnessed that part. For the food situation though, I think  s idea was already great.

    Wishing you all the best!

  • It does sound like she is quite change averse so it may be a case where you need to agree with Paige to introduce yourself into the routine alongside her to do the things you will need to do when you have her on your own.

    This way if Paige and you make the food together you can observe and copy closely then all 3 of you can play a game where there is one piece of food you made and one Paige made under a napkin and if she can guess correctly then she gets a little prize.

    This should get her to try your food at least and maybe a bit of rigging the outcome is needed for her to eat it then you and Paige agree to say "daddy made that one" after she tasted it and agreed it was acceptable.

    Also with the hair maybe make her close her eyes and guess who is moving the brush through her hair etc - gamify it so it is fun and she gets used to you doing it.

    Dressing will require a little more though as she can't do this blndfold so think of a way of making it a game so she can feel comfortable with you dressing her.

    This will depend on Paige being willing to help of course, but if it gives her some rest and time to herself then I suspect she will agree.

    I hope these ideas are at least food for thought.