SUPPORT AT SCHOOL- MASKING

I agree with this. You have to really force them to see what's right in front of them. I've spoken to SALT and they have been really supportive so I'm hoping that will make an in road for me.

I've got in touch with an OT also just to see how I can get a referral to them or how much is private and things. 

To be more precise, you're not getting results because from a NT standpoint, everyone masks. Everyone puts in some kind of labour to fit-in. So they might not feel one kid making a little more effort should be afforded an accommodation/ adjustment. 

Sadly, most of us have to make additional effort to recognise Typical use of words involve saying whatever sounds agreeable so to provide the other with a dislocated sense of resolution. Or I will prove I care about what you're saying by communicating this, and this should be enough to make you feel inclusion, which is usually the NT problem. 

I guess what I'm trying to convey is a New Strategy! Rather than use the word mask which makes sense to you, try using a phrase or an argument with terms which make sense to those you're encountering an on-going communication gap with. :) 

Hi thanks for your comment. I personally don't mind using the term masking to refer to myself and to my children. I do feel i wear a mask, consciously and unconsciously, so it makes sense to me. I also see the same patterns in my children. 

My comment was mainly around strategies or suggestions to support my children within the school system. 

X

There is a massive problem with the term Masking and I personally believe it's not productive to use it. Let me explain... 

1. The first problem is everyone Masks. What masking should look like might be what your son is doing: hiding and pretending to get along. Masking is an old term which has to do with repression and intuiting the world around. It's a way of play-pretending with peers and working with unspoken social contracts. The mask is the front image projected to be socially accepted and "play well with others". It creates a degree of distance so one doesn't socially overwhelm another. And it allows one to learn about themselves by playing with different 'faces' or 'masks of the self' and getting feedback until varying forms and projections crystallise. No one is ever their authentic self (we might all find this around 50ish) as masking affords one the time and growth to learn about and become a 'self'. It's a collective experience. 

2. This differs from Autistic masking, or better, camouflaging, where one is not actually connecting, struggling to fit in and hyper-aware to a point of distress. At one extreme, there are those who don't even get the memo we're supposed to pretend. In the best of cases one's mask is haphazardly made but one isn't quite understanding why they're still being rejected.  Others might not actually be masking (no pretend social play or intuitive merging with peers), but frozen or withdrawn or in a heightened state of survival, which appears as introversion or shyness. All of these effects can hinder learning and growth. While it's N-Typical to have social anxiety daily, there shouldn't also be guesswork and constant confusion. One shouldn't experience being constantly misunderstood and mis-communicating. 

Masking is about fitting in socially, so the staff might see him as polite, diligent and making a friend or two. He might not be able to express difficulty understanding others or catching social cues. There would be a teacher along the way who is in a direct established relationship and notices this either among peers or in how he responds to assignments. I might find this person :) 

I wish you luck going forward.  I know its a daunting road that makes you feel desperate & isolated, but don't let them grind you down. 

Teachers and those in charge of the schools set these rules, without wishing to sound like a parnoid conspiracy theorist, I think they do it on purpose, everything you say will just be batted back at you, I think it's a form of passive aggression if I'm honest, whatever you say, they will tell you that they're doing everything they can, but it's not their job blah blah blah. I think they stonewall because actually they don't know how to help, don't have resourses to help and don't actually want to help, what they want is for you to shut up and go away. You won't make them see it, because they don't want too.

Hi, I am having the same problem with my 2 children, in two different schools. I am also AUDHD, my daughter is autistic but only just become visible at the age of 15, was showing early signs during covid and my son is ADHD, no masking at home but does at school and my daughter heavily masks.

At home we have seen her decline rapidly over this last year which I think is due to pressure of GCSE's. I have spoken to the school and made an appointment with the head of SENCO. I was armed with a detailed list of her behaviour at home but was greeted with the same as you, well she doesn't show any signs at school and her grades are fine so I don't see a problem! Grrrr!!! How can they say her grades are fine when they don't know her potential.

This resulted in me doing lots of research and doing an Alevel on Autism which has helped a lot to recognise her individual traits that could be helped at school and how to help her. It's been hard for me as both kids have always seemed normal to me because they are just like me lol. 

Both kids are in process of being diagnosed but been told this could take years. I went back to daughters school with list of behaviours and told them I want her diagnosed and finally they agreed, I also went to my Dr to fast track through the right to choose pathway. If your school are saying they can't see it, present them with the information they need in writing and outline what reasonable adjustments the school can make to support your child, listing what they need to make them feel more comfortable and to support their learning.

As far as the school was concerned they had done there job and were not offering her any help as they didn't see she needed it. I sent an email, important to have everything with a paper trail, that said I want her to have support during her GCSE's and used the line 'It's not my daughters fault the waiting list for a diagnosis is so long and that you didn't spot her masking her symptoms at school. I want her to be treated fairly and offered her the support she needs in school as it is your duty to provide an education setting to meet her needs.' I asked for her to be allowed fidget toys in class, wear earplugs when needed to minimise distraction sounds from students around her (I chose calmer brand), to be allowed to access the toilet when she's feeling anxious to be able to reset and asked for her to have extra time to be able to read all the questions in her exams as I know she misses a lot as hyperfocuses on a question and looses track of time or panics and skips loads. She had to do a reading test for this and passed so is now allowed the extra time. I've also found the coloured reading overlays that was suggested by her Social Prescriber has really helped her reading focus.

Good luck x

Thanks for your reply. I'm definitely feeling better from these responses. 

That's a good thought about contacting them in advance and possibly through the gp. I'm going to look into that. 

There is a lack of a 'pathway'for high masking, fear of being perceived autistic children.  There must be a way to offer better support for these children. I'm just so keen not to repeat my school and life experience all because I didn't know who I was. 

Thanks for saying so. I often feel I'm not advocating enough. Or not saying the 'right things' and I'm a stickler for following a plan. Sooo they aren't going to like me as I have no issue holding tre feet to the fire. But I don't need them to like me.

Hi. Unfortunately what you said sounds familiar. I am not sure how old your son is. We started the process of trying to get an autism diagnosis when my son was in Primary. It took a long time to get on the list because of masking in school, so like your experience they said they did not see it. He did finally get a diagnosis and we decided in the meantime to apply for an EHCP. We got the EHCP just before he started Secondary and autism diagnosis in year 7.

I presume you are keeping a note of meetings etc. As they tend not to put things in writing it might help to email them details of what is discussed so you have a record. The thing we found helpful in the end were keeping a diary of what happened at home, particularly after days at school, because this showed the impact of the masking. We used some of this evidence on the appeal in regard to the EHCP. 

You mention your meeting with the SENCO was deflating. I can say I went through a lot of meetings like that. It is so hard when you are trying to help.

In respect of your son's mental health. I am not sure how Right to Choose works, as we went via a referral to CAMHS. When the mental health issues got worse we were able to contact them and explain, which resulted in a slightly quicker assessment for autism. I am not sure if you can do this via your GP.

The other thing I would recommend is to see if there are any local parent organisations in your area who offer support. They will usually do this before diagnosis. We found it very helpful to talk to others who had gone through this experience. This helped us with the EHCP too and SENDIAS may also be able to advise on this or recommend other help.

Your son has a great advocate for him and it is sad that it is such a battle to get schools to understand. I wish you well and hope you are able to get somewhere and possibly find an advocate locally to support you in getting there.

Thanks for your reply. Thank you for the links. I actually studied under Tony attwood years ago at university doing my under graduate degree. I question if I could be neurodiverse at that time. But later diagnosis wasn't a thing then. I might even attempt to email him for more info.

It's a bit of a mess really. The school recognizes him on the Sen register due to his selective mutism diagnosis through SALT. But they won't acknowledge any of his autistic traits in any real way. Additionally they haven't followed the SALT plan. I emailed then speech and language team last night highlighting this. I emailed sendias and have now but a SPA referral for the cluster. And the GP has agreed to do the RTC referral. And the referral has been accepted. They accept he wears leggings to school but won't formally acknowledge his sensory issues. They will add it to a pupil passport but won't offer any support. 

Round and round we go.

I think I need more evidence for an ehcp. I looked into a private OT assessment....but this out of my budget. Additionally both my children have a strong fear of being perceived. And they switch almost instantly. I do it myself though. So observations need to be done knowing he has an awareness of being perceived. 

Hi Linda and welcome to the community.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with the school.

As you progress through the ECHP process - and also in respect of any further discussions with the school - you might find the practical advice in these resources helpful:

NAS - Extra help at school in England

NAS - Resolving differences in England with schools, local or education authorities

In the meantime, perhaps it might help his teachers to better understand your son's difficulties if he used a stress scale or help card at school:

NAS - Different behaviour between school and home

Thanks for your reply. 

Yes both on right to choose waiting list. 

I spoke with the senco today. Honestly it was so deflating. I truly do not feel they understand. I asked would it be different once diagnosis was received and they said no we support based on need. 

So I can win as the need to masked. 

No EHCP in place at the moment. I think it's likely my next step.  Although the speech and language report they also just ignored.  so ive emailed the salt team to highlight and sendias. 

I'm a bit nervous about EHC plan but will have to bite the bullet. 

I'm just concerned about there mental health whilst that happens 

These are really specific questions that need to be put to the school SENCO if you haven't already done so.   

Is there a EHC plan in place for your children?  It makes a big difference whether there is or isn't - and having an ASD diagnosis rather than a presumption that they have autism may make a big difference to the attitude of the school going forward.

It sounds that they are 'aware' of their needs & difficulties, and are giving you a stock, generalised answer, rather than an agreed plan - but that's just me reading between the lines of your post. 

I don't know how long your children have been waiting for diagnosis, but if you are in England, it may be worth approaching your GP about using the right-to-choose service to hurry-up that waiting time.  I don't want to appear to suggest the school may be fobbing you off right now, but with a formal diagnosis, they've less wriggle room in some regards.