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School calling kids "grubby"

Mumaof2

Hi I'm new here but wanted some advice because I'm at a loss I have a five and three year old boys both have autism sensory needs and developmental delays. The older one is in year 1 and younger in nursery. I myself have medical issues and a symptom I suffer is

insomnia so I don't sleep at night so I do the laundry during the night and lay my boys clean clothes out for the next day the school where both my boys are attending is making comments about both my sons my older boy came home and said an adult called him dirty and my younger is now coming home getting very insistent and upset about having a bath. Now as I said I am disabled but what little energy I have goes on looking after my boys they have clean clothes everyday they have baths at least every other day if not every day I am not saying they are pristine because come on they are kids are kids ever pristine but the sen at the school has now contacted me saying multiple adults at the school have contacted her about it. I'm upset I'm embarrassed I don't know what to do my kids are not dirty they don't smell the most they have is maybe some stuff under their nails maybe some pen on there skin we wash it off but it doesn't always come off after one wash and my younger constantly draws on himself we take the pens we hide the pens but he seems to pull them out of nowhere and I don't think this is an uncommon thing or a reason to call my son grubby. My older boy maybe has a bit of breakfast on his face but again isn't this normal. I'm starting to feel like my family is being pin pointed my husband take the boys to and from school and you could say my husband looks a bit grubby if you are being judgy we both dress goth and my husband has add and is constantly building taking things apart and works as a handy man so usually has stained hands I really don't know what to do it's making me feel like a terrible parent my boys are never dirty their clothes are always clean but they get into things they crawl around floor climb things chew things touch everything getting them dressed and to school everyday is already a battle I shouldn't have to examine my child from fear of them being called grubby especially when you would have to be exaiming them to find it as when me and my husband look we have no idea what they are talking about and the school won't tell us specifics

  • I am sorry to hear you’ve been having such a hard time, the school really should acknowledge your current situation, you don’t have to be qualified to understand that a parent with autistic kids has enough on their plate already without these unhelpful types of interferences. What the parents need is positive reinforcement and a huge round of applause for being not just a parent but a full time carer too. You’ll shoulder things most never will and main stream schools in my experience (I assume that’s where they attend) are uneducated (I know) about autism so much that they almost have a deficit themselves. My step son was expelled from mainstream school because of his behaviour, he is autistic with PDA traits and it’s like the school can do more before you have a diagnosis? Seems to be some grey political area. Once he got his diagnosis though we made sure the school got a copy! 

  • in reply to Lotus

       thank you for your kind reply this was my thought exactly the boys come home in a state and we have never mentioned a word about it because kids get dirty so I was in disbelief when I was told about these "concerns". I have requested a meeting with the headmaster for a weeks time so I can take photos of my boys in the morning before they leave and when they come home from school to make a point. It's hard enough being a parent to a child with extra needs but we have two and I myself am disbabled having this on top of everything was a real hit when I already carry mum guilt for my illness. Thank you for the support 

  • Hi and welcome. I'm shocked at this and sorry to hear it - I can understand your distress.

    I'm an older lady in my sixties and when I was a child most of us were bathed once a week and maybe had two changes of school clothes per week. Also I was a special needs teaching assistant 30 years ago. Both when I was a child and when I was an SEN TA, Kids often got grubby in the playground, got paint or crayon on them, or played football on the grass and got muddy knees - nobody reported anything like that back to parents, it was just kids being normal kids. I can't understand the preoccupation some adults have with wanting children to look freshly bathed and in spotless clothing all the time - they are humans, not dolls.

    You are not a terrible parent - the SEN is in the.wrong, not you. It is their responsibility to ensure access to the curriculum for all SEN pupils and create a welcoming and secure environment for them, not make them feel bad about themselves. If I was you I would make a complaint to the head teacher. If you decide to do this, I would suggest putting it in writing and keeping a copy of it, and keep copies of any replies you get. If you are invited to a meeting, write down what you want to say so that you are prepared and don't forget anything.

    I wish you luck and hope you get this resolved. Take care of yourself.