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Behaviour

happy_green_pink

Hi all. I’m new here and just wondering if anyone has any suggestions dealing with behaviour. I’m sorry for the ramble but I’m trying to make it make sense.

I have 4 children. My second has been diagnosed ASD and my youngest is currently going through the assessment.

We are doing ok dealing with the one who has been diagnosed but it’s the one undergoing assessment we’re struggling with. He is 5 and is extremely defiant. It doesn’t matter what I tell/ask him to do or in which way I approach it, he always flat out refuses or ignores me and it turns into a full blown tantrum. I always explain my reason for the request so there’s no confusion too. So for example I’ll say, we’re going out for a walk but it’s rocky where we’re going so we’re all wearing trainers not crocs. Or you need to take your coat to school because it’s the school rules but he will fight me and scream the whole way. Yet at school or if anyone else tells him what I’ve just said he’ll do it with minimal to no kick off and accept it. Literally anything I say he will completely ignore, do the exact opposite or refuse and kick off. He is also extremely possessive and controlling towards me. If I am talking to someone he will literally scream and claw at me constantly because he ‘doesn’t want me talking to my friends’. I always deal with the situation immediately but it does NOTHING ! I tell him I’m talking to a friend and we’ll leave in a minute, I remove him from my personal space while he’s clawing at me and tell him it’s unacceptable but he continues to scream and lash out at me more which will also result in me being hit and kicked. I have also tried warning him first that I will be talking to my friends for a few minutes and taking toys to distract him but he is not interested. This behaviour happens every single time anyone tries to talk to me. Even at home he will climb all over me and try to demand my full attention because I am taking to someone. Even if he has been happily playing up until this point. This is the same when his siblings want a cuddle. My husband has to physically remove him just so I can cuddle my other children !

If I start doing any 1-1 activities with another child his behaviour becomes horrendous even if he has been pre warned that I am spending some time with his sibling. He also goes out of his way to annoy family members and ignores when told to stop.

If we go out for the day, 90% of the time he will kick off the whole time we’re there even if it’s an activity he has chosen. Yet if he’s having a good day there’s no problems at all but I can never tell which one it’s going to be because he can be fine on the way then suddenly flip for literally no reason. This now causes me extreme anxiety taking them anywhere because of the behaviour and knowing there is nothing I can do to prevent or stop it.

Rules, warnings and enforcing punishment has always been clear and consistent but he just does not care. And he absolutely knows how to follow them because again, he follows them for others and at school. But as soon as I’m around behaviour plummets. What also confuses me is I am by far the firmest on him so out of everyone he knows that I am the one who will enforce time out swiftly.

I am now really struggling with my own mental health as I am just drained from this constant behaviour from the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep. I feel like an awful mum because I don’t get the 1-1 time with my other children that we all desperately want, I’m always stressed and am finding it hard to enjoy parenthood which is something I absolutely love.

I can recognise triggers and behaviour patterns in my diagnosed child but I am really at a loss with my youngest as the challenges are so different.

Any advice would be so much appreciated because I honestly feel we have tried everything we can possibly think of and it’s just getting worse as he’s getting older.

Thank you 

  • This is a difficult one! The issue you're running up against here appears to be matters of control and personal agency. We all need to feel a sense of grounding, which can allow us room to grow and support our ability to command our own environment. Out of the gate many Autistics and ADHD'rs will feel an internal sense of chaos, an an external world which is beyond our control, if not dangerous. A question you may want to ask is how to help him trust and not panic that the bond between you is broken? 

    As we mature into adulthood, we have to learn the difference between healthy boundaries and abuse, what we can and cannot control, how to be responsible, invest emotionally but with an openness. All of these are things are better learned from 20-40. Some end up in AA and get a hard lesson. Others learn from Limmerance and rejection under a mentorship/therapy. Most of us have encountered a severing of connexion that broke us. 

    The first child gets something none of the others do, but provided we have uninterrupted time with our parents and they steward a healthy bond.

    When it comes to the wrong shoes or no coat, I'd just take his with if he didn't collect them 'just in case' and not bother arguing. Kids have a hard time with anticipating this stuff until they're in their 20's anyway. Autistic kids mature slower.  But the need to have you all to himself is a whole other level that is connected to our deepest survival mechanisms and human needs. It may become prudent to at random, reinforce your connexion with him. Over-hug him. Always bother him for affection before he has a chance to feel insecure. You want to get to the place where he can take it or leave it or is pushing you away. Of course, recognise, someday he'll find someone else and you'll miss him missing you even though you're right there.

  • Many autistic people also have ADHD. It may be worth having your child assessed for both. ADHD, unlike autism, often responds to medication.

  • Hi! I don’t really want to say much to that because I don’t have children or anything, so I don’t really feel entitled for giving advice. But I know a thing or two about demand avoiding behaviours. It can help to leave him choices with a limited amount of almost equally acceptable options to choose from (for example: Do you want to wear trainers or boots? Do you want to put on your coat now or just carry it to school?). Might be worth a shot, but this of course doesn’t work all the time or maybe it doesn’t work at all. 

    With the other things… I don’t really have advice on that. You could try scheduling 1 on 1 times for him on a physical calendar, but that probably won’t solve the problem completely. 

    I hope you’ll work it out, just be assured that you’re doing great by putting in so many thoughts and so much effort. 

  • Hi  , I am sorry you’re going through such a challenging time with your youngest. As you know, some autistic people can display behaviour that can have a negative impact on the person or their family. Our website has lots of links to pages with strategies to try and information on getting support: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour 

    You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

    You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice: https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk.

    I hope these help!

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod