Daughter's Outburst and Walkout

The ones I know or suspect are autistic or have autistic trades I can summon up like this is that they will have to walk out on me, or walk out of the situation if they feel they are loosing it.

I don't know why I am the way I am (I am autistic) but I have no fear of abandonment, but have come to understand that the feeling of being rejected, being abandoned is very strong with these people I know.

If the situation would be dangerous to me I know I have to split, but it has never come to that. 

I suspect my husband to be autistic and turns out he has this strong fear of me abandoning him when anxiety arrives. He always gets more upset than I do during a collision. 

I've seen how things has gone down and realized that both his parents has walked out of the room in what to me is a discussion or maybe a fight or about to become a fight. It is as if they are both afraid to have a fight and still want a fight so so much is left unsorted. It lingers on. That to me is not good. Anxiety under the surface. I am not afraid of fights. I have not been taught to be.

I have never in my life had parents or siblings that would leave the room. We all stay. We also always keep focus on the subject so no name calling. 

To me a lot of the wrong way of communicating comes from non autistic people who have some kind of issue that the project out. It's on them. They should own up to that. We have to look at ourselves and figure out our own ways of communicating and how we get in conflict, how we act out. 

My suggestion is that you will tell her when she's ready that you are all ears.

Do not interrupt her.

Do not make your case heard, just yet. Just listen.

Do not prepare in your head when she speaks about what you are going to say next.

You could repeat what she has said out loud so she will know you have heard it the way she wants you to. 

Tell her things went down the wrong way and that both of you have to learn from this on how to handle the situation next time if it happens. How do she wants you to act? Could you have the rule that you stay and she will leave when she feels she can't stand it? And that that will be OK? 

I always say I always love you, love will never go away. People can get fits and so on, so can I, but I will always love you. But you know I too have boundaries. Me having boundaries does not mean I don't love you. It just means I don't want you to step all over me. You have no right. We have to stand up for ourselves. 

I am not justifying your daughter's behavior, but two things she has told you has stood out: You left - she sees it as you rejecting, walking out on her. She had to beg you for help - she had trouble reaching you through it all when she was in her most urgent need.

You need to set up a plan on how to go ahead the next time.

No offense, this is mother-daughter relationship.
Usually from my experience it is worst on the moms and the daughters, what ever it may be.
Somehow the father and daughter bond can make it less demanding being another kind of relationship. What can Dad do next time? Talk it through.

Tell her too (if you want, that is) that we learn from our mistakes. We need to forgive our mistakes: We did not know better, at the time. We did what we thought was best in this new type of situation, but came to understand it wasn't the right thing, after all. 

Look through what was behind this melt down and what of that can be terminated and if there is medication that can help her out. 

Your heart was in the right place, know that, and don't be too hard on  yourself, or her. You will learn as you'll go along. 

The ones I know or suspect are autistic or have autistic trades I can summon up like this is that they will have to walk out on me, or walk out of the situation if they feel they are loosing it.

I don't know why I am the way I am (I am autistic) but I have no fear of abandonment, but have come to understand that the feeling of being rejected, being abandoned is very strong with these people I know.

If the situation would be dangerous to me I know I have to split, but it has never come to that. 

I suspect my husband to be autistic and turns out he has this strong fear of me abandoning him when anxiety arrives. He always gets more upset than I do during a collision. 

I've seen how things has gone down and realized that both his parents has walked out of the room in what to me is a discussion or maybe a fight or about to become a fight. It is as if they are both afraid to have a fight and still want a fight so so much is left unsorted. It lingers on. That to me is not good. Anxiety under the surface. I am not afraid of fights. I have not been taught to be.

I have never in my life had parents or siblings that would leave the room. We all stay. We also always keep focus on the subject so no name calling. 

To me a lot of the wrong way of communicating comes from non autistic people who have some kind of issue that the project out. It's on them. They should own up to that. We have to look at ourselves and figure out our own ways of communicating and how we get in conflict, how we act out. 

My suggestion is that you will tell her when she's ready that you are all ears.

Do not interrupt her.

Do not make your case heard, just yet. Just listen.

Do not prepare in your head when she speaks about what you are going to say next.

You could repeat what she has said out loud so she will know you have heard it the way she wants you to. 

Tell her things went down the wrong way and that both of you have to learn from this on how to handle the situation next time if it happens. How do she wants you to act? Could you have the rule that you stay and she will leave when she feels she can't stand it? And that that will be OK? 

I always say I always love you, love will never go away. People can get fits and so on, so can I, but I will always love you. But you know I too have boundaries. Me having boundaries does not mean I don't love you. It just means I don't want you to step all over me. You have no right. We have to stand up for ourselves. 

I am not justifying your daughter's behavior, but two things she has told you has stood out: You left - she sees it as you rejecting, walking out on her. She had to beg you for help - she had trouble reaching you through it all when she was in her most urgent need.

You need to set up a plan on how to go ahead the next time.

No offense, this is mother-daughter relationship.
Usually from my experience it is worst on the moms and the daughters, what ever it may be.
Somehow the father and daughter bond can make it less demanding being another kind of relationship. What can Dad do next time? Talk it through.

Tell her too (if you want, that is) that we learn from our mistakes. We need to forgive our mistakes: We did not know better, at the time. We did what we thought was best in this new type of situation, but came to understand it wasn't the right thing, after all. 

Look through what was behind this melt down and what of that can be terminated and if there is medication that can help her out. 

Your heart was in the right place, know that, and don't be too hard on  yourself, or her. You will learn as you'll go along.