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Helping young adult living away after uni- job, daily life, mental health- any advice or support please?

Pink_jellyfish.

My 21yo has just graduated- he doesn't have a diagnosis ( although other family members do) but during uni it has become more obvious and we are now looking to start the process of looking into a diagnosis ( late- I know and already have the mum guilt about this) However, he needs to stay in his uni city to persue the career he wants ( the arts sector!) as all his contacts and work is there but it does not pay the rent...and won't for a while! So he needs other shop/ bar/ anything work and is struggling to find it. We are helping finacially for the moment but the pot will run out soon. It is obvious that everything is now becoming very overwhelming for him...he has visited home for a rare break and obviously much needed rest from the worry of looking after himself. Relectant to talk much about it but we are now realising there is much more going on in terms of struggle. Firstly, he has deveoloped an issue with eating- sometimes just isn't in the mood and then can't force himself to eat. He has never been a fussy eater and has always eaten well- sometimes too well. This has taken him ( and us) by surprise. He had gained weight during uni where his eating habbits werent great  but now he has lost some- not on purpose. He is still 'sturdy' but obvioisly the worry is this could get out of hand. He says he is not trying to lose weight. The knock on effect is he can't bring himself to shop. Says he needs to know 'exactly' what he's going to eat for the week if hes going to shop but because he often doesn't fancy anything he can't make that list. Sounds like the whole shopping experience is overwhelming. We have suggested just buying a few tins and packets as a start but he is adament he has to know exactly what he needs and won't consider just easing in with a few 'stock' things. We can't visit him for at least a few weeks ( hes 200 miles away and we have 2 younger kids) else I would offer to take him shopping- or stock up for him but he refuses most offers of devising a plan to help. He has a weekend job in an area he know well ( actually his specific interest area so he is knowledgeable) but he seems now in conflict with other members of staff. Saying he gets blame for mistakes when it then turns out not to be his fault. I don't know full truth of this but assuming there may well be issues caused by him not communicating efficiently or quickly enough. It is obvioisly causing him anxiety there too. 

   Of course, the obvious answer is he comes home and we support him while he finds work but this mean him leaving any thoughts of his career in the arts behind....again, his area of passion where he is very skilled and has a good reputation amongst his peers but can't earn a living! 

  I'm so sorry this is so long and complex...not really sure advise I'm after other than any undestanding of the eating issues but I obviously needed somewhere to share!

  With regard to the diagnosis, he seems keen to look into it and thinks it'll help but is putting off making the appointment....or even registering at docs! A fre weeks back he had decided to make appointment for mental health but had bern putting it off. I've offered to go with/  make app for him/ lots of different levels of support....trying not to be intrusive or pushy but but just kerps saying he'll do it 'later'.

Obviously, we are v worried about MH and just want to support him in the best way....any thoughts appreciated TIA xxx

  • My advice would be to find who in the family has the best connection with him and arrange a sit down to talk about a few life skills now he has left uni - tell him this is a part of your parental duties to offer him the tools for adulting which he can choose to use or not.

    I would start with:

    1 - nutritional basics and creating a diet plan.

    This means advising him on the sort of balance which is essential to decent health and how to achieve it on a budget. Giving a list of 20 or so dishes that are simple to create and use a mix of dry goods (eg pasta) and fresh, inexpensive veg (eg carrots) with some protein (need options if he is vegetarian or vegan).

    2 - sourcing the shopping.

    You can get everything online, typically with free delivery and decent prices from the bigger supermarkets. Also teach him about local markets as you can get great deals towards the end of day with them and cook/freeze a big batch of this (eg roast veg) to use later to make a quick meal.

    Bulk prep and freezing on portion sized batches is a great way to reduce time and effort to do this.

    3 - budgeting.

    Teach him how to know all the sort of bills that are going to come in, whethere on the spot (buying a coffee), a regular expense (eg weekly bus ticket) or event based (eg music festival or even tax return time) - knowing what to expect helps planning.

    Remind him to include toiletries, medical appointments, time out from sickness and things like eye tests / glasses, a replacement phone every 3 years, mobile phone contract, internet connection, insurance etc.

    All the thinks that can be ignored (eg music festival, daily Starbucks coffee etc) should be marked in a different colout or column in a spreadsheet.

    Once you know what the drain on your funds will be then you know how much you need to earn to stay afloat. Look at what is going on with your income now and if it falls short then look at the optional extras you highlighted before and deduct these.

    If the balance is still significantly negative then the lifestyle is not sustainable and needs to be reassessed.

    4 - making a hard decision

    Point out that your ability to support him financially is about to end so he need to make hard decisions and these may mean either a serious compromise in his standard of living (eg moving into a bedsit) or coming back home and picking up the pieces there.

    Having worked through the process he can take the notes away, go through it himself until he comes to the understanding that he cannot sustain the low paid work effort required to exist while he tries to get his dream job. Some dreams may never come true and coming to terms with it will be hard, but he can at least see the writing on the wall and hopefully plan ahead.

    You should now have given him more tools for planning in life which he can use in a range of situations and the decision making part will be the most useful - what to do then you can see the poop heading towards the fan.

    Here is where you can be most helpful, giving him someone to talk with and bounce ideas off. Please be non judgemental in this process and avoid the "I told you so" comments if you want him to keep coming back to you.

    Thanks for looking out for him. Once you do your bit he will have to make his own mistakes but so long as you are there to help him pick up the pieces, learn from the mistakes and be positive about it then it should cement that bond as their friend as well as their parent.